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Sunday, March 4, 2012


By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
Everyone is once again trying to figure out where the worlds’ most notorious criminal is hiding. I believe that there is still a twenty five million dollar price tag on his head so; I’ve decided to use my abilities to find Mr. Bin Laden. I really need to get the twenty five million dollars so that I can put a new roof on my trailer. I’m running out of pots and pans to catch all the water that’s pouring in. I’d also like to stock up on apricot brandy for the winter. All the cheap wine I’ve been drinking lately is really giving me gas.

I knew I would need to use all my psychic and physic powers to find Bin Laden. The first thing I did was to load my arms up with gold simulated bracelets and my fingers up with silver colored rings. If you want any help from the spirit world you have to get their attention. “You need a lot of bling to get the spirits to sing,” is what I always say. I got out my best polished Petoskey stones and gave them each a good rubbing. Next I got out my two crystal balls and shook them up really well so the glittery snowflakes in side would twinkle as they fell on the plastic Santa and his reindeer that I have inside of each ball. Finally, it was time for me to trance out. I was all out of apricot brandy so I had to rely on some cheap wine. The wine was really sweet but I had to add some bourbon to “kick it up a notch” like that hairy chef guy always says. I’m just glad I found some bourbon to make my wine drinkable. Otherwise I’d have to use my vanilla extract to spice up my stuff. That stuff is getting really expensive so I only use it in an emergency. Some people use it to cook with too.

I only had about four coffee mugs full of my bourbon/wine combination (called bwine) when I suddenly began to feel mysteriously light headed. I felt the room starting to move around so I closed my eyes so I could concentrate on catching Bin Laden. I kept concentrating on finding an old man with a long white beard. Of course since it was getting close to X-mass I saw a whole bunch of different Santa Clauses. I saw a Santa in a red suit then, I saw a Russian Santa with a big Russian hat on then, I saw a French Santa dressed in a blue bath robe. He had high heels and wore lipstick. Then I realized that this wasn’t Santa or Bin Laden. This was my ex-husband Bill.

From directly above my head, a splash of water hit my face from a leak in my trailer house roof. The picture of my ex-husband disappeared. The sudden splash of rain water reminded me that I needed a new roof and would have to focus better to find Osama. Then, just as I was thinking I needed a few more mugs of bwine, the location of Osama Bin Laden was becoming clear to me. Bin Laden was neither in Pakistan nor in Afghanistan. He was not in the United States working as a mall Santa and, he was definitely not my cross dressing ex-husband Bill.

It was a cloudy vision at first but, I could finally make out that Bin Laden was living in an Arabian palace. I could see him sitting all dressed out in fine robes like the ones he is dressed up in when he sends us those nasty videos he makes at election time. In my vision Bin Laden was sitting in the middle of a great big ball room in the middle of his palace. He is sitting on a golden throne. The palace itself is extremely hot. It seems the thermostat on the furnace is turned way up. You can see sweat and drool running down Bin Ladens’ long gray beard. The whole place smells like rotten eggs. I guess eating goat meat sausages and beans everyday must make Bin Laden a very musical man. He really should get some air freshener if he intends on entertaining. The smell was so rank that it brought tears to my eyes.

Next, I saw in my vision 72 virgins dancing around Osama while the old man continued to drool. The virgins were not covered up in traditional clothing but, were all wearing totoos like ballerinas. In fact, the virgins were all big burly hairy guys all dancing around Osama Bin Laden to the song called “The Hustle”. This was a very bizarre picture but, I know that the spirits I consult never lie. They may tweak the truth a bit but, I am very confident that I had a true vision of Osama Bin Laden as he is today.

It was starting to dawn on me that maybe Bin Laden was where he belonged. The hot smelly foul air, the fat naked dancing male virgins; maybe Bin Laden was actually in hell. Maybe he died a while ago in the mountains and his followers literally covered him up. Maybe we should all be relieved that our planet was finally safe. And, Bin Laden had gotten his just deserts and would suffer for an eternity. The only problem was that I noticed that Bin Laden was nodding his head to the beat while he smiled at his dirty dancers. Could it be that Bin Laden was having fun down in hell?

I decided I had had enough of that trance so I shook it off and went back to drinking mugs of my bourbon/wine drink. I guess I’ll be mending my ways a bit so I don’t end up down in hell with Bin Laden and with a bunch of hairy fat male virgins dancing all around me. I had enough of that when I was a member of a singles club.

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

HNS has a long tradition of associating with persons who have thought processes that are unusual and even weird. We pride ourselves in our diversity of persons with mental irregularities. This diversity allows us to cover stories that no other news organization will investigate let alone, ever put in print.

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