THE TRAILER PARK VAMPIRE

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, the weathers going to be much colder next week so, if you live in the South you should get in your fruits and veggies this weekend. The stock market is going to have at least one day next week with a triple digit loss. In addition, expect anything you eat in a restaurant next week to taste a little too salty.

Now I’ve got some really bad news. A few weeks ago I predicted my friend Mike here at this blog, would have a new girlfriend well, I was right. He has a new lady in his life but, she has a really bad problem. It seems that she is actually a vampire. I don’t mean one of these nut job college girls that run around the night clubs pretending they are really bad blood suckers. I mean she really is a 300 year old fang toothed monster.

I found out when Mike introduced her to me and he wanted me to tell them what the future had in store for them. Well, I went and got out my best polished Petoskey stone and had here rubbed it with her index finger. The stone started bleeding. Then, my neighbor’s wolf puppies started howling. I knew something was wrong with this woman so I got some garlic out of the refrigerator and set it on the table. She got up and left without saying a word. Mike looked puzzled and got up and went after her. Later that evening I tranced out with apricot brandy and the spirits revealed the creatures true age and confirmed she was a blood sucker.

I don’t know how to tell poor Mike. I don’t know how I’m going to stay safe myself now that I know what the lady craves. I do know she does not like garlic so; I’m keeping plenty of the stinky stuff around. I replaced my gold colored bling with garlic bling. My skin is no longer turning green from my jewelry but; my nose is running all the time.

I have an early alarm system already installed in my neighborhood in the form of the little wolves. I know that the wolf pups my neighbor has will start howling if the blood drainer comes calling. It’s good that I live in a trailer park with a bunch of red necks that pick up their pets when they go hunting. If you shoot a mama wolf it’s only right that you raise her pups like they were your own.

AUGUST PREDICTIONS

PREDICTIONS FOR AUGUST
By Madam Misty Merkel
Psychic

August will start out cold and get warmer. Lots of storms will scare the heck out of people but, no one should worry. In August, only a couple of people will be hit by lightning each day. If you don’t want to get hit by lightning, don’t go outside or use the copper plumbing. In fact, avoid any and all copper. If you know what’s good for you then, you will empty out those pennies out of your back pocket. If you don’t and you go outside in a lightning storm, you may learn the meaning of the term “rump roast”.

The stock market will take off and the DJIA will hit 24000 (whatever that means). I just report what the spirits tell me so enough with the questions. I really don’t know what I’m talking about when it comes to the economy. I can’t even write out a check. I use money orders. By the way, gas prices are going up along with unemployment and your rent.

The new GI JOE movie will be a big hit next month with District 9 movie also, getting the kids into the theaters. Television will stink since there will be mostly just a bunch of reruns until September. I still haven’t figured out how to set up my digital converter box to bring in a television signal. Even after wrapping my antenna with a box of aluminum foil, all I get is static. I guess I’ll just watch my Magnum PI video tapes. I like Magnum and besides, my Magnum tapes were the only ones that survived my trailer house fire.

What fire you might ask. Well, it was the fire that was started when I was conducting a séance. My dog has bladder and a large intestine control problems so, I have newspapers covering my entire floor. When my dog spooked my friend by running under her feet during the séance, my friend knocked the candles over and they rolled off the table and started the newspapers on fire. The fire roared through the trailer but luckily, it was raining outside and the leaky roof was just like having a sprinkler system inside my house.

I’m glad I did not loose my trailer. I just lost my house downtown because I was unable to pay the mortgage. The dating service I was running, like many small businesses, fell on bad economic times this year. I had several employees working for me and now they are all out on the streets. I’m just glad I have this psychic business to fall back on. I'm thinking about getting a tanning bed and maybe taking up a trade like body piercing or tattooing. My psychic business may not seem to be as legitimate as my old business but, it pays the electric bill each month. If it did not, I would not be able to watch Magnum PI on video cassette.

PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS: FIRST CONTACT

By Madam Misty Merkle
The Trailer Park Psychic

Things have been heating up here in Northern Michigan. It is not just the weather but, stuff really started happening last week which could change the course of history for my trailer park. I was told by some scientist from NASA that what happened to me could change the world forever.

To begin with, everyone knows that recently Congress made everyone give up their free TV unless you bought a converter box from one of the companies that buys nice gifts for Congressmen, or pays for their vacations. Anyway, these boxes are called “perverter boxes” but, no one in my trailer park has figured out how to get a perverter box to work yet. I think this was a big rip-off since the perverter boxes cost a lot more than the coupon the government sent out. Everyone has been thinking that these perverter boxes are a big rip off then, old Chuck Birdsill came up with an idea. He said we should use aluminum foil to try to get in the new airwave signals: the same way we used aluminum foil to get in the Fox Network 20 years ago.

Chucks’ initial idea was not new. Everyone in Northern Michigan has been buying up aluminum foil to try to get a reception on their now, worthless TV sets. No one in my trailer park has to lock their doors anymore since the only valuable thing people here ever owned was their TV set. Now everyone hopes someone comes in and steals their TV so at least they might get some insurance money. Most of the people aren’t buying any insurance yet until after someone steals their Television. Everyone knows it is stupid to buy insurance before something happens. Why pay out all that money unless you are going to get more back on a claim you file as soon as you take out the policy?

As I said before, Old Chucky Boys’ initial idea was not at all original but, ’as several people who had tried to use aluminum foil pointed out. No one got any signal. But, someone in the trailer park with some smarts (probably one of those stuck up community college people) did have I think, a pretty good idea.

The idea was to build a giant tower made up of aluminum foil in the middle of the trailer park. We would connect the four trailers that are in the middle of the park and form our own giant antenna. The smart guy said the aluminum foil would pick up the signal and the trailers would amplify it so that everyone in the park would get to watch free TV again. The smart guy said he doubted we could pick up any local stations but, maybe we might get some Canadian stations in after all, Canadian TV is just a bunch of rebroadcast American TV shows anyway.

Within one week, we had saved up enough aluminum foil to build a thirty foot tall tower. We had a problem with sea gulls pecking away at the aluminum because most of it was recycled from our kitchens and still had food on it. We solved this by spraying the whole thing down with bathroom cleaner. This got rid of the sea gulls but, now the trailer park smells like a public restroom at a fast food restaurant. A clean one like you find in the morning not like the kind you find in the afternoon after the high school kids have been in their for lunch.

Anyway, once the tower was done and hooked up to the four trailers, we all sat in anticipation in front of our TV sets with our French/English dictionaries beside of us in case we got in one of those Montréal stations. But, nothing happened. All the TV sets in the trailer park just had static snow on them. We were all disappointed and depressed. Every resident in the trailer park met at the great shinny metallic tower. All that work for nothing.

As we were standing around sulking, I suddenly felt a buzzing in my teeth. The buzzing became louder and louder. I opened my mouth and everyone started looking at me as a voice began to speak from my mouth “Hello People of the Planet Earth. Live Long and Prosper. We are the Receptacons from the planet Receptor. We scan the Universe for highly technical devices that can receive our signals at faster than light speeds. You earth people have finally built such a device. You must be the most intelligent beings your planet has ever produced. You should be proud of yourselves. We will now transmit the blue prints to build a device to transmit and better receive signals from our civilization. We will also be transmitting the formula for eternal life. Please stand by.” Unfortunately, at that moment the brandy and orange juice drink I had for breakfast kicked in and I started to burp uncontrollably. I was not able to keep my mouth open without belching and drowning out the message. Finally I stopped but most of the message was never heard. The last words we heard were “if you accept our offer to keep in contact with our please contact us within a week on the new device you will construct from our blue prints. If we do not hear from you we will never bother you again but, you can keep our formula for eternal life as a gift from our people to yours.´

That was it. We haven’t heard from them since. NASA spent 11 billion dollar tryig to construct something that might pick up the signal from the Receptacons but, nothing happened. It seems the reason the message came out of my mouth is because of my gold crowns. It seems they are not really gold at all. My dentist bought some gold crown stuff off the internet from some lady in china. The crown material was really made up of a composite of American garbage like old baby diapers, clunker cars and drywall. The NASA scientist told me that I had in my mouth the makings of a space age material which was what brought our aluminum foil tower to life. One scientist told me the material “made the tower light up like a beacon across the cosmos”. I let NASA have my baby diaper composite crowns in exchange for some nice porcelain ones.

Our aluminum tower never brought any other signals in. In fact, just before we tore it down a bolt of lightning struck it. The lightning leaped to the four trailers, caught them all on fire and burned them to the ground. Luckily no one was hurt inside the trailers and, the owners went immediately out and bought fire insurance so they should be o.k.

I am Madam Misty Merkle, resident phychsic of the “Humor News Nuts” Internet magazine and member of tcbrandt global Internet publishers. I use a weegie board and a jigger of apricot brandy to make my predictions. I use to light a candle before I tranced out but, drinking heavily and having an open flame sometimes doesn’t end well. My aunt May got wasted on her own corn liquor and fell asleep smoking a cigar on the hay pile. It took a week to find a cup full of Aunt May to put in the urn. My poor cousin Jerry is still afraid of any kind of fire since his mama died so tragically. This makes it hard on the rest of the family since we have to put out our cigs when the creepy mama’s boy comes around.

Anyway, today I am making financial predictions for the rest of 2009. The following are things that will probably happen but, if you wager on my predictions then you will mess up my predictive juices and anger the predicting angels. So, betting on my predictions may well make my predictions not come true. Therefore ye with the numbest of acorns don’t queer my deal with the predicting angels. Don’t make bets on my predictions or you will loose!!!

During the year 2009 there will be plagues, deaths and unhappiness. Finally, people will stop watching cable news and everything will be o.k. The stock market will go up and the stock market will go down. In the end, buy stock in Madam Misty Merkle’s Overnight Wrinkle Cream Remover and you will make me a fortune. I have several franchise opportunities in the Bay Area for people with winning attitudes. Remember, it’s not what the world looks like that counts; it’s what your face looks like.

Overall, I predict things will be pretty good in 2010. We have a large stimulus package that the government is pushing. Bankers are getting their cut. Car dealers are getting their cut. People that over borrowed are being rewarded for their bad judgment. In life I’ve been rewarded with six alimony checks for my bad judgment.

Oh, and the stock market is going to go up then, down then, up again. The final number at the end of the year I can't predict except it has a two in it. I don't know where I'm comming up with the two in the final stock market number except that the apricot brandy I've been sipping has made me realize I've got two hands. I've got two feet too. Two must be some sort magic number like 666 or seven.

FEBRUARY PREDICTIONS

PREDICTIONS FOR AUGUST
By Madam Misty Merkel
Psychic

August will start out cold and get warmer. Lots of storms will scare the heck out of people but, no one should worry. In August, only a couple of people will be hit by lightning each day. If you don’t want to get hit by lightning, don’t go outside or use the copper plumbing. In fact, avoid any and all copper. If you know what’s good for you then, you will empty out those pennies out of your back pocket. If you don’t and you go outside in a lightning storm, you may learn the meaning of the term “rump roast”.

The stock market will take off and the DJIA will hit 10,700 (whatever that means). I just report what the spirits tell me so enough with the questions. I really don’t know what I’m talking about when it comes to the economy. I can’t even write out a check. I use money orders. By the way, gas prices are going up along with unemployment and your rent.

Television will stink since there will be mostly just a bunch of reruns until September. I still haven’t figured out how to set up my digital converter box to bring in a television signal. Even after wrapping my antenna with a box of aluminum foil, all I get is static. I guess I’ll just watch my Magnum PI video tapes. I like Magnum and besides, my Magnum tapes were the only ones that survived my trailer house fire.

What fire you might ask. Well, it was the fire that was started when I was conducting a séance. My dog has bladder and a large intestine control problems so, I have newspapers covering my entire floor. When my dog spooked my friend by running under her feet during the séance, my friend knocked the candles over and they rolled off the table and started the newspapers on fire. The fire roared through the trailer but luckily, it was raining outside and the leaky roof was just like having a sprinkler system inside my house.

I’m glad I did not loose my trailer. I just lost my house downtown because I was unable to pay the mortgage. The dating service I was running, like many small businesses, fell on bad economic times this year. I had several employees working for me and now they are all out on the streets. I’m just glad I have this psychic business to fall back on. I'm thinking about getting a tanning bed and maybe taking up a trade like body piercing or tattooing. My psychic business may not seem to be as legitimate as my old business but, it pays the electric bill each month. If it did not, I would not be able to watch Magnum PI on video cassette.

SEPTEMBER PREDICTIONS

PSYCHIC NEWS AND INFORMATION
By Madam Misty Merkel

September will be a tough month for the stock market but, it should end up higher than it did in August. The “Cash for Clunkers” government program was a big hit. Everyone in my trailer park has bought a new SUV which have really great gas mileage. Most of my neighbors have jobs working as cooks and dishwashers in the various restaurants around town. They figure they should have their new vehicles paid for in about 15 years.

The government will pass comprehensive health care reform which will rely mostly on faith healers and witch doctors in order to cut costs. The new program will rely heavily on preventive care. Everyone in America will receive a voucher for $25.00 to see the faith healer or witch doctor of their choice. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Hopefully, psychics will be included in the list of health care providers.

All the guys will still want to go to "District 9" movie that came out in August. "Julie and Julia" will be a popular chick flick but, Hollywood needs to come out with more chick flicks. The last movie I was talked into seeing with my girlfriends was “Borat”. That was no chick flick. I see enough violence at the trailer park on the weekends. When the guy next door and his girlfriend are shooting at each other with pump shotguns and deer rifles, it is just a little bit too exciting for me. Overall, they are pretty good neighbors. They always put their guns away by 1:00 a.m. and never start drinking and playing loud music until at least noon.

September will start out as a really hot month and will then cool off gradually. The prices of pizza and beer will continue to go up as more and more unemployed people suddenly become too lazy to cook. It’s like when people are unemployed they quit doing all the little chores they did when they were working. They don’t cook, they don’t do their laundry and they really let their looks go. I guess they figure that if they are unemployed, no one is going to want them. They’re probably right. I know I don’t want some unemployed bum lazing around drinking up my beer and eating all my pizza.

I have been getting bugged about the Lions football team. The only vibes the spirit world is giving me regarding the Lions is that they are unlikely to win very many games in the foreseeable future. I will have better news during hockey season.

I am going to predict that the “Humor News Nuts” blog will be blogging by Labor Day. Those guys that run it will finally get off their summer hiatus and start publishing again. I feel sorry for Mike who, works as a gofer for his brothers at “Humor News Nuts”. He’s had bad luck all summer.

First of all, he lost his real job. Then, he could not pay his share of the rent so his roomies tossed him out on the street. He just had too many fines to pay that he incurred while doing his research work No one told him he needed a fishing license in order to hunt down killer sharks in Lake Michigan. Poor Mike did not even know that there is a limit on how many bull frogs you can take for a frog leg fry. Finally, he has a huge medical bill because he picked and ate the wrong kind of mushrooms and had to have his stomach pumped.

I decided to cheer Mike up by predicting his future. I felt sure that whatever the prediction turned out to be it would still be better than his present life. How could it be any worse? So I sent Mike out to pick up three Petoskey stones out west of town. There’s an old gravel pit out there that used to be the dig site of some paleontologist. At least he was getting money to dig around out there.

The paleontologist had the theory that Petoskey stones are the remains of a giant, psychic brain that crashed into the earth 350 million years ago. Unfortunately, this scientist used all the money he received for the dig to simply live very well downtown at the Holiday Inn that’s right on the bay. He never went near the dig site until the feds started to investigate him. He never spent a dime on equipment or anything for the dig site. The only shovel he had was a broken one he found. I’m not really sure what happened after the feds arrested him. The guys that run “Humor News Nuts” want to make this paleontologist their scientific advisor if he does not have too long of a jail term. Maybe he can get some sort of work release program.

Mike came back from the pit with three really nice Petoskey stones. They all had lots of really nice eyes on them. The first stone I looked at closely was shaped like an arrowhead. The second stone was more heart shaped. The thrived stone had a crack running across it. After examining the stones, I could give Mike nothing but great news. I told Mike that the cracked stone meant that in the past he was broke and that the arrow shaped stone meant he would be up and coming in his personal finances situation. I further stated the heart shaped stone meant he would of course meet someone who would be significant to him romantically.

I ended my session with Mike by telling him all he had to do to pay me was to give me the three Petoskey stones. I figured that I could polish them up and get $30.00 each by selling them to the tourist. Next time I send someone out to pick up Petoskey stones I’ll have they bring back a lot more stones. Making big bucks off of each stone could finally make this physic business payoff. Maybe I might not have to do body piercing to make ends meet.

The kids will be going back to school so I'll finally get some peace and quiet in my TP (trailer park). There won't be any snow storms in September but, the flu season will keep a lot of kids home. I just hope the kids don't go into the stores and cough all over the cart handles. At times, those things are pretty nasty. Overall, September will be a mediocre month.

PREDICTIONS FOR SEPTEMBER 2009

PHYCHIC NEWS AND INFORMATION
By Madam Misty Merkel

September will be a tough month for the stock market but, it should end up higher than it did in August. The “Cash for Clunkers” [government program will continue to be a big hit. Everyone in my trailer park has bought a new SUV which have really great gas mileage. Most of my neighbors have jobs working as cooks and dishwashers in the various restaurants around town. They figure they should have their new vehicles paid for in about 15 years.

The government will pass comprehensive health care reform which will rely mostly on faith healers and witch doctors in order to cut costs. The new program will rely heavily on preventive care. Everyone in America will receive a voucher for $25.00 to see the faith healer or witch doctor of their choice. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Hopefully, psychics will be included in the list of health care providers.

All the guys will still want to go to the GI Joe movie that came out in August. Hollywood needs to come out with more chick flicks. The last movie I was talked into seeing with my girlfriends was “Borat”. That was no chick flick. I see enough violence at the trailer park on the weekends. When the guy next door and his girlfriend are shooting at each other with pump shotguns and deer rifles, it is just a little bit too exciting for me. Overall, they are pretty good neighbors. They always put their guns away by 1:00 a.m. and never start drinking and playing loud music until at least noon.

September will start out as a really hot month and will then cool off gradually. The prices of pizza and beer will continue to go up as more and more unemployed people suddenly become too lazy to cook. It’s like when people are unemployed they quit doing all the little chores they did when they were working. They don’t cook, they don’t do their laundry and they really let their looks go. I guess they figure that if they are unemployed, no one is going to want them. They’re probably right. I know I don’t want some unemployed bum lazing around drinking up my beer and eating all my pizza.

I have been getting bugged about the Lions football team. The only vibes the spirit world is giving me regarding the Lions is that they are unlikely to win any games in the foreseeable future. I will have better news during hockey season.

I am going to predict that the “Humor News Nuts” blog will be blogging by Labor Day. Those guys that run it will finally get off their summer hiatus and start publishing again. I feel sorry for Mike who, works as a gofer for his brothers at “Humor News Nuts”. He’s had bad luck all summer.

First of all, he lost his real job. Then, he could not pay his share of the rent so his roomies tossed him out on the street. He just had too many fines to pay that he incurred while doing his research work No one told him he needed a fishing license in order to hunt down killer sharks in Lake Michigan. Poor Mike did not even know that there is a limit on how many bull frogs you can take for a frog leg fry. Finally, he has a huge medical bill because he picked and ate the wrong kind of mushrooms and had to have his stomach pumped.

I decided to cheer Mike up by predicting his future. I felt sure that whatever the prediction turned out to be it would still be better than his present life. How could it be any worse? So I sent Mike out to pick up three Petoskey stones out west of town. There’s an old gravel pit out there that used to be the dig site of some paleontologist. At least he was getting money to dig around out there.

The paleontologist had the theory that Petoskey stones are the remains of a giant, psychic brain that crashed into the earth 350 million years ago. Unfortunately, this scientist used all the money he received for the dig to simply live very well downtown at the Holiday Inn that’s right on the bay. He never went near the dig site until the feds started to investigate him. He never spent a dime on equipment or anything for the dig site. The only shovel he had was a broken one he found. I’m not really sure what happened after the feds arrested him. The guys that run “Humor News Nuts” want to make this paleontologist their scientific advisor if he does not have too long of a jail term. Maybe he can get some sort of work release program.

Mike came back from the pit with three really nice Petoskey stones. They all had lots of really nice eyes on them. The first stone I looked at closely was shaped like an arrowhead. The second stone was more heart shaped. The thrived stone had a crack running across it. After examining the stones, I could give Mike nothing but great news. I told Mike that the cracked stone meant that in the past hi was broke and that the arrow shaped stone meant he would be up and coming in his personal finances situation. I further stated the heart shaped stone meant he would of course meet someone who would be significant to him romantically.

I ended my session with Mike by telling him all he had to do to pay me was to give me the three Petoskey stones. I figured that I could polish them up and get $30.00 each by selling them to the tourist. Next time I send someone out to pick up Petoskey stones I’ll have they bring back a lot more stones. Making big bucks off of each stone could finally make this physic business payoff. Maybe I might not have to do body piercing to make ends meet.