PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS: FIRST CONTACT

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkle
The Trailer Park Psychic
Associate Contributor
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Things have been heating up here in Northern Michigan. It is not just the weather but, stuff really started happening last week which could change the course of history for my trailer park. I was told by some scientist from NASA that what happened to me could change the world forever.

To begin with, everyone knows that recently Congress made everyone give up their free TV unless you bought a converter box from one of the companies that buys nice gifts for Congressmen, or pays for their vacations. Anyway, these boxes are called “perverter boxes” but, no one in my trailer park has figured out how to get a perverter box to work yet. I think this was a big rip-off since the perverter boxes cost a lot more than the coupon the government sent out. Everyone has been thinking that these perverter boxes are a big rip off then, old Chuck Birdsill came up with an idea. He said we should use aluminum foil to try to get in the new airwave signals: the same way we used aluminum foil to get in the Fox Network 20 years ago.

Chucks’ initial idea was not new. Everyone in Northern Michigan has been buying up aluminum foil to try to get a reception on their now, worthless TV sets. No one in my trailer park has to lock their doors anymore since the only valuable thing people here ever owned was their TV set. Now everyone hopes someone comes in and steals their TV so at least they might get some insurance money. Most of the people aren’t buying any insurance yet until after someone steals their Television. Everyone knows it is stupid to buy insurance before something happens. Why pay out all that money unless you are going to get more back on a claim you file as soon as you take out the policy?

As I said before, Old Chucky Boys’ initial idea was not at all original but, ’as several people who had tried to use aluminum foil pointed out, no one got any signal. But, someone in the trailer park with some smarts (probably one of those stuck up community college people) did have I think, a pretty good idea.

The idea was to build a giant tower made up of aluminum foil in the middle of the trailer park. We would connect the four trailers that are in the middle of the park and form our own giant antenna. The smart guy said the aluminum foil would pick up the signal and the trailers would amplify it so that everyone in the park would get to watch free TV again. The smart guy said he doubted we could pick up any local stations but, maybe we might get some Canadian stations in after all, Canadian TV is just a bunch of rebroadcast American TV shows anyway.

Within one week, we had saved up enough aluminum foil to build a thirty foot tall tower. We had a problem with sea gulls pecking away at the aluminum because most of it was recycled from our kitchens and still had food on it. We solved this by spraying the whole thing down with bathroom cleaner. This got rid of the sea gulls but, now the trailer park smells like a public restroom at a fast food restaurant. A clean one like you find in the morning not like the kind you find in the afternoon after the high school kids have been in their for lunch.

Anyway, once the tower was done and hooked up to the four trailers, we all sat in anticipation in front of our TV sets with our French/English dictionaries beside of us in case we got in one of those Montréal stations. But, nothing happened. All the TV sets in the trailer park just had static snow on them. We were all disappointed and depressed. Every resident in the trailer park met at the great shinny metallic tower. All that work for nothing.

As we were standing around sulking, I suddenly felt a buzzing in my teeth. The buzzing became louder and louder. I opened my mouth and everyone started looking at me as a voice began to speak from my mouth “Hello People of the Planet Earth. Live Long and Prosper. We are the Receptacons from the planet Receptor. We scan the Universe for highly technical devices that can receive our signals at faster than light speeds. You earth people have finally built such a device. You must be the most intelligent beings your planet has ever produced. You should be proud of yourselves. We will now transmit the blue prints to build a device to transmit and better receive signals from our civilization. We will also be transmitting the formula for eternal life. Please stand by.” Unfortunately, at that moment the brandy and orange juice drink I had for breakfast kicked in and I started to burp uncontrollably. I was not able to keep my mouth open without belching and drowning out the message. Finally I stopped but most of the message was never heard. The last words we heard were “if you accept our offer to keep in contact with our please contact us within a week on the new device you will construct from our blue prints. If we do not hear from you we will never bother you again but, you can keep our formula for eternal life as a gift from our people to yours.´

That was it. We haven’t heard from them since. NASA spent 11 billion dollar tryig to construct something that might pick up the signal from the Receptacons but, nothing happened. It seems the reason the message came out of my mouth is because of my gold crowns. It seems they are not really gold at all. My dentist bought some gold crown stuff off the internet from some lady in china. The crown material was really made up of a composite of American garbage like old baby diapers, clunker cars and drywall. The NASA scientist told me that I had in my mouth the makings of a space age material which was what brought our aluminum foil tower to life. One scientist told me the material “made the tower light up like a beacon across the cosmos”. I let NASA have my baby diaper composite crowns in exchange for some nice porcelain ones.

Our aluminum tower never brought any other signals in. In fact, just before we tore it down a bolt of lightning struck it. The lightning leaped to the four trailers, caught them all on fire and burned them to the ground. Luckily no one was hurt inside the trailers and, the owners went immediately out and bought fire insurance so they should be o.k.

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL DOES NOVEMBER

NOVEMBER GOES OUT LIKE A TURKEY
by Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel 
Associated Writer Humor News Nuts 

Well, it's November and I predict that pets and their people companions are going to have a really interesting month.  I want to take this opportunity to give a shout-out to four new visitors to my website last month.  Danny  Dewberry and his three pet crows spent a record three minutes on my website before moving on to YouTube.   It seems Danny has very slow motor skills and has problems manipulating his mouse.  That might be the reason he ended up on my website and  stayed so long  but hey, we'll take new visitors anyway we can.

I know who Danny is because he lives on the other side of my trailer-park and drinks bottles of ketchup like they are pop.  Now, poor Danny is disabled and lives on SSI.  Danny can't work because he suffers from a disease that causes his middle fingers to fly up at everyone he sees.  It's very embarrassing and the poor man can't control himself. Of course Danny can't find employment because he just can't overcome his disability during job interviews.  I've heard that his fingers are especially active at popping up and down while sitting across the table from a prospective employer.    

Danny's neighbor tells me that Danny has been trying medicinal herbs to keep his finger from popping up and also to get his birds to calm down.    Danny claims his birds have a "bipolar" disorder.   Not everyone believes Danny needs to possess and use medicinal herbs and the state police have raided his trailer twice in the last six months but, I guess he has a good lawyer so, the police pretty much let him alone now.  It's hard to believe he got a descent lawyer from the public defenders office but, I guess he's proof that such professionals do exist.

Getting back to predictions: I predict that November's weather will come in like a lamb and go out like a turkey.  And, by turkey I am of course referring to Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving is a time in America when whole families get together and, once they've had enough of each other they decide to make other plans for Christmas.  After last thanksgiving I believe my family won't be getting together for the next ten Holiday seasons.  My aunt made everyone pay to use the toilet and only allowed each person to use four sheets of toilet paper.  It seems my aunt is a real psycho when it comes to overusing her septic tank.  She is paranoid that the smell is going to backup into her trailer.  But you know what, after smelling her cooking for several hours a good whiff of septic slurry would be a relief to your olfactory glands. And of course, her cooking tastes worse than it smells.    

Getting back to predictions once again:  I am also predicting that a noted local Northern Michigan ET investigator will reveal that the large meteor explosion over Russia last Winter was in fact an exploding spacecraft.   This investigator will reveal that an alien rat sacrificed it's spaceship in order to save planet earth from eminent doom.  My old friend President Nixon has told me that an evil space-monkey on board Voyager 1 was trying to destroy the earth by aiming an asteroid at it.  Of course, if this all proves to be true then maybe I'll have to get rid of my rat traps that I have spread out underneath my trailer.   If rats are now smart enough to build spaceships then, they probably won't get caught in any of my traps.   I'm just wasting government cheese.    I don't know what you think about the taste of government cheese but, it don't taste too bad if you chase it down with a bottle of Mogen David.

THE TRAILER PARK VAMPIRE

PSYCHIC NEWS
By Madam Misty Merkel
Well, the weathers going to be much colder next week so, if you live in the South you should get in your fruits and veggies this weekend. The stock market is going to have at least one day next week with a triple digit loss. In addition, expect anything you eat in a restaurant next week to taste a little too salty.

Now I’ve got some really bad news. A few weeks ago I predicted my friend Mike here at this blog, would have a new girlfriend well, I was right. He has a new lady in his life but, she has a really bad problem. It seems that she is actually a vampire. I don’t mean one of these nut job college girls that run around the night clubs pretending they are really bad blood suckers. I mean she really is a 300 year old fang toothed monster.

I found out when Mike introduced her to me and he wanted me to tell them what the future had in store for them. Well, I went and got out my best polished Petoskey stone and had here rubbed it with her index finger. The stone started bleeding. Then, my neighbor’s wolf puppies started howling. I knew something was wrong with this woman so I got some garlic out of the refrigerator and set it on the table. She got up and left without saying a word. Mike looked puzzled and got up and went after her. Later that evening I tranced out with apricot brandy and the spirits revealed the creatures true age and confirmed she was a blood sucker.

I don’t know how to tell poor Mike. I don’t know how I’m going to stay safe myself now that I know what the lady craves. I do know she does not like garlic so; I’m keeping plenty of the stinky stuff around. I replaced my gold colored bling with garlic bling. My skin is no longer turning green from my jewelry but; my nose is running all the time.

I have an early alarm system already installed in my neighborhood in the form of the little wolves. I know that the wolf pups my neighbor has will start howling if the blood drainer comes calling. It’s good that I live in a trailer park with a bunch of red necks that pick up their pets when they go hunting. If you shoot a mama wolf it’s only right that you raise her pups like they were your own.

PSYCHIC PREDICTS THE WINNER OF THE SUPER BOWL IS?.

Mystic Madam Misty Merkel Predicts the Superbowl Outcome
by Mistic Madam Misty Merkel
Resident Psychic Investigator
Humor News Nuts Publications
My February 2014 Predictions

It is the Year Of The Horse and also, the year we celebrate fast food hamburger joints.  And no,  I am not inferring that fast food hamburgers are made from horse meat but, I am simply predicting that a lot more people this year will come down with a case of the galloping trots after consuming said burgers.   You see, the meat used at burger joints has become a bit tainted because of all the hot weather we've had during the Year Of The Dog.

Getting back to my predictions for February, this month is going to be cold in Northern Michigan and the people up here will be starving.  Furthermore, because of the increased snowfall this year I predict cannibalism will be on the rise in cities like Gaylord and Petoskey.  When it's harder to find roadkill the locals in Northern Michigan start eating tourists then, their neighbors and finally, their next of kin.  My advise to people living in or visiting Northern Michigan in February is to stay inside your trailers and nail your windows and doors shut.  Remember, there's lots of starving people out there and a family of four will feed another family of four for at least a week (maybe longer if they make sausage out of the innards and bones).

Of course what would Northern Michigan be without a festival to honor our families who have the munchies for human flesh.  So, downtown Traverse City is holding its annual "Eat Humans Food Festival" this weekend.   At this festival several prominent Northern Michigan families will be sharing their culinary favorite dishes of human deliciousness.  Everyone is invited to attend and best of all it's free.  Donations are encouraged but, the donation must be at least 18 years old and weigh no less than 200 lbs.  According to the locals aged tissues with fatty deposits in human meat make it just melt in your mouth like homespun butter.

My next prediction is one of the hardest I have ever had to make.  I had to really go out on a limb to predict the winner of the big Super Bowl game being played this weekend.  I do have a prediction but, it was not easy to come by.  First of all, I had problems finding my crystal balls.  I looked everywhere for them.  I looked under my couch, under my pillow, in the back of my closet, under my sink and in my toilet bowl but still, I could not find either one of them.  Finally, I remembered that I had loaned them out to my friend Sarah who is working a booth at the Eat Humans Food Festival in downtown Traverse City.  Her kidney omelet exhibit is outside this year and Sarah said she needed my crystal balls to hold down the tablecloth she had draped over her plywood exhibit table.  I was going to ask for my balls back but, I knew Sarah needed them this weekend and I knew I could get some replacement crystal balls because they were having a clearance sale on crystal balls at  Penny's.  After taking public transportation to the Penny's store and returning home I set out my crystal balls to try to find out who would win Sunday's big game.

After having a glass of wine I looked into one crystal ball and saw Super Bowl rings on a football team decked out in Denver Broncos Jerseys.  Of course because my prediction for the big game is taken to heart by people across my entire trailer park I decided I had better get a second opinion just to be sure.  So, I drank another glass of wine and took a look into my other crystal ball.    On first inspection this ball seemed to be a little cloudy but I blinked my eyes and the cloudiness was gone.  I guess my eyes had gotten teared up because the wine I was drinking had turned out to be wine vinegar so, it had a bit of a kick to it which caused my eyes to get all teary.  Anyway, when the haze was gone I distinctly saw a football team wearing Super Bowl rings all decked out in Seattle Seahawk uniforms.  I was very confused.  I realized that one of my crystal balls had to be defective and it was giving me an incorrect read of the future but, which one.

Because of my conundrum I decided that I should call upon a spirit from the next world to steer me to the correct prediction.  So, I called upon my good friend President Nixon to help me out.    I ask President Nixon who was going to win the big game on Sunday and he told me he was sure it would be the New York Jets.  He said he would never bet against a team that had Joe Nemeth as quarterback.  I didn't argue with my president but, it seems he would be attending a game played back in the mid-20th century.  I guess I never expected that a spirit could time travel back to whatever Super Bowl game they wanted in order to watch their favorite team and players win.

As I thought about it. this time travel idea started to intrigue me.  Since members of the spirit world could transport themselves back to their favorite team's Super Bowl victory I decided that a powerful mystic  psychic like myself could find a way back to when my favorite team won the Super Bowl.  Being that I am a Michigander my favorite professional football team is of course the Detroit Lions. However, after doing a quick online search I found to my horror that the Detroit Lions have never won the Superbowl.  In fact, my favorite team has never even played in a Super Bowl game.  But, no matter.  On Sunday I am simply going to transport myself into the future where I will find the Lions finally winning a Super Bowl game.  I'm really very excited but, I'm going to have to leave right away in order to get that far into the future to watch the opening kickoff. You see, the first Lions win at the Super Bowl is in the year 2,583,213.4.   Even with my psychic brain traveling along at nearly light speed I will barely get to that game on time. So, there you have it.  I predict that on Sunday, where (when) I am the Detroit Lions will win the Super Bowl.        

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL PREDICTS AUGUST IS IN THE TOILET

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL
Resident Psychic
HNS Publications

I know it's August and summer for the most part is on it's last legs.  It's chilly in the mornings in Northern Michigan and summer squash leaves have a tinge of yellow in them.  I don't raise summer squash but my neighbor Barb does.  She brought me over some squash blossoms and told me to fry them.  She said that squash blossoms are delicious.  I never eat fried foods because then I've got a pan to wash so I just put the squash blossoms in the microwave.  Well, the blossoms pretty much disappeared.  It seems squash blossoms are all water and a microwave really evaporates water out of stuff.  I still told Bard the blossoms were delicious.  You don't want to tick-off your neighbors in a trailer park because most of them are heavily armed and the ones with the most guns are unemployed, drink heavily and raise squash just  to get some squash blossoms to fry.

I predict that August will be a relatively nasty month.  It will turn really cold suddenly and a lot of woodland animals looking for a winter home will be trying to gnaw a way into your trailer.   I already have some gnaw marks on my trailer.
 Chipmunks are especially prone to trailer gnawing.  What's really bad about chipmunks is that once they've gnawed into your trailer they immediately look for a toilet to take a swim in.  Chipmunks are notorious toilet swimmers.  If you catch them in the daytime swimming in your toilet you can just give them a nice flush out to the septic tank  where your former pet goldfish, guppies, turtles and hamsters reside.  However, if you happen to sit on the toilet at night without turning on the light and checking the toilet contents then you might be in for a  surprise.   I find the surprise to be offensive but, some might enjoy it.  It all depends on your point of view.

Well, enough with the toilet talk.  I have to get on with my predicting since that's what I'm paid to do.  So, my final prediction for August is that the U.S. Department of Agriculture will approve foot fungus as a natural food preservative for hot dogs.  This makes a lot of sense since most hot dogs are made up of powdered toenails and other foot related growths and excretions.

APRIL SNOW MAKES TIME GO SLOW

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

Well, we have another fun month upon us. I'm afraid it is going to be another cold one. The evil winter spirits just don't seem to want to give it up this year. The bad weather this year is like my second husband;  it just won't go away. Most of my boyfriends have been like that too, excepting of course the ones I really like. Over in England I guess they call liking someone who hates you an unrequited love. Here in Northern Michigan we call that a country- western song. Of course in some parts of Michigan they call it a polka. I don't think I really want to go there. Now down in Motown they call it rhythm and blues. Whatever it's called I've been there just about every other week since junior high.

Anyway, the weather is going to stink until about the last week of April. I do see May, June, July and August as being much warmer months than April. My accuracy in predicting the weather is really pretty good. Just wait and see.

In politics I predict that the thumb part of the state of Michigan will try to secede from the union. They will try to create a super libertarian state known as East Thumbia. There will be no taxes there and universal health care for those that can afford it. The national flag will portray a naked 400 lb man smoking a cigarette, holding a can of sugary pop in one hand and a sack of potato chips in the other. The state motto will be "Health, Who Needs It". It sounds like they're going to use my second husband as the mascot on their flag. 

It will be hoped for by the people of East Thumbia that their new nation will be able to attract tourists from all over the world. The main souvenir sold there will be a Lake Huron Salmon thermometer. Salmon in the great lakes are excellent natural thermometers due to their high mercury content.

In sports, the Detroit Tigers are going to start playing baseball while on the field. In past seasons they tried a "curling" strategy when playing offense which clearly did not work for them. The guy running the bases kept getting tripped up by the guy with the broom. Not a pretty sight in any sport.

Well, I don't have much else to say. Just be wary of those dog gone garden gnomes. They'll be popping up soon as they return from vacationing down south in Cadillac. They'll be showing off the nice tans they have while the rest of us up North have pasty white skin like we're just a bunch of winter zombies up here. 
 

PSYCHIC NEWS NUTS: FIRST CONTACT

By Madam Misty Merkel
The Trailer Park Psychic
Things have been heating up here in Northern Michigan. It is not just the weather but, stuff really started happening last week which could change the course of history for my trailer park. I was told by some scientist from NASA that what happened to me could change the world forever.

To begin with, everyone knows that recently Congress made everyone give up their free TV unless you bought a converter box from one of the companies that buys nice gifts for Congressmen, or pays for their vacations. Anyway, these boxes are called “perverter boxes” but, no one in my trailer park has figured out how to get a perverter box to work yet. I think this was a big rip-off since the perverter boxes cost a lot more than the coupon the government sent out. Everyone has been thinking that these perverter boxes are a big rip off then, old Chuck Birdsill came up with an idea. He said we should use aluminum foil to try to get in the new airwave signals: the same way we used aluminum foil to get in the Fox Network 20 years ago.

Chucks’ initial idea was not new. Everyone in Northern Michigan has been buying up aluminum foil to try to get a reception on their now, worthless TV sets. No one in my trailer park has to lock their doors anymore since the only valuable thing people here ever owned was their TV set. Now everyone hopes someone comes in and steals their TV so at least they might get some insurance money. Most of the people aren’t buying any insurance yet until after someone steals their Television. Everyone knows it is stupid to buy insurance before something happens. Why pay out all that money unless you are going to get more back on a claim you file as soon as you take out the policy?

As I said before, Old Chucky Boys’ initial idea was not at all original but, ’as several people who had tried to use aluminum foil pointed out. No one got any signal. But, someone in the trailer park with some smarts (probably one of those stuck up community college people) did have I think, a pretty good idea.

The idea was to build a giant tower made up of aluminum foil in the middle of the trailer park. We would connect the four trailers that are in the middle of the park and form our own giant antenna. The smart guy said the aluminum foil would pick up the signal and the trailers would amplify it so that everyone in the park would get to watch free TV again. The smart guy said he doubted we could pick up any local stations but, maybe we might get some Canadian stations in after all, Canadian TV is just a bunch of rebroadcast American TV shows anyway.

Within one week, we had saved up enough aluminum foil to build a thirty foot tall tower. We had a problem with sea gulls pecking away at the aluminum because most of it was recycled from our kitchens and still had food on it. We solved this by spraying the whole thing down with bathroom cleaner. This got rid of the sea gulls but, now the trailer park smells like a public restroom at a fast food restaurant. A clean one like you find in the morning not like the kind you find in the afternoon after the high school kids have been in their for lunch.

Anyway, once the tower was done and hooked up to the four trailers, we all sat in anticipation in front of our TV sets with our French/English dictionaries beside of us in case we got in one of those Montréal stations. But, nothing happened. All the TV sets in the trailer park just had static snow on them. We were all disappointed and depressed. Every resident in the trailer park met at the great shinny metallic tower. All that work for nothing.

As we were standing around sulking, I suddenly felt a buzzing in my teeth. The buzzing became louder and louder. I opened my mouth and everyone started looking at me as a voice began to speak from my mouth “Hello People of the Planet Earth. Live Long and Prosper. We are the Receptacons from the planet Receptor. We scan the Universe for highly technical devices that can receive our signals at faster than light speeds. You earth people have finally built such a device. You must be the most intelligent beings your planet has ever produced. You should be proud of yourselves. We will now transmit the blue prints to build a device to transmit and better receive signals from our civilization. We will also be transmitting the formula for eternal life. Please stand by.” Unfortunately, at that moment the brandy and orange juice drink I had for breakfast kicked in and I started to burp uncontrollably. I was not able to keep my mouth open without belching and drowning out the message. Finally I stopped but most of the message was never heard. The last words we heard were “if you accept our offer to keep in contact with our please contact us within a week on the new device you will construct from our blue prints. If we do not hear from you we will never bother you again but, you can keep our formula for eternal life as a gift from our people to yours.´

That was it. We haven’t heard from them since. NASA spent 11 billion dollar tryig to construct something that might pick up the signal from the Receptacons but, nothing happened. It seems the reason the message came out of my mouth is because of my gold crowns. It seems they are not really gold at all. My dentist bought some gold crown stuff off the internet from some lady in china. The crown material was really made up of a composite of American garbage like old baby diapers, clunker cars and drywall. The NASA scientist told me that I had in my mouth the makings of a space age material which was what brought our aluminum foil tower to life. One scientist told me the material “made the tower light up like a beacon across the cosmos”. I let NASA have my baby diaper composite crowns in exchange for some nice porcelain ones.

Our aluminum tower never brought any other signals in. In fact, just before we tore it down a bolt of lightning struck it. The lightning leaped to the four trailers, caught them all on fire and burned them to the ground. Luckily no one was hurt inside the trailers and, the owners went immediately out and bought fire insurance so they should be o.k

PSYCHIC PREDICTS ECONOMIC DISASTER IN 2012

A 2012 PREDICTION
By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
People need to start taking the year 2012 seriously. 2012 is the year the Mayans, ancient Hebrews, Hindus and some others I can’t remember, said that the world would be in big trouble. It seems the planets will be lining up in such a way that the earth will be devastated by cosmic forces beyond the control of humans. There will be a number of disaster events that will happen in 2012. Last Saturday night I tranced out at the bar located down the block from the trailer park. Then, I had a vision of an economic disaster that will happen in May of 2012.

I have consorted with the spirits of good and evil and rubbed my mystical Petoskey stones until they are smooth and polished. I think I can sell them on EBay now. I should be able t get about $30.00 a piece out of them. That will pay my cable bill so I won’t be cut off. Anyway, the calamity of 2012 will occur when five giant ships loaded with tons of merchandise destined for Wall Mart Stores around the world, collide in mid ocean and sink. When all that merchandise sinks to the ocean floor, so will the world economy. The hopes and dreams of every person on earth will drown in the sudsy brine and, forever sleep with the fishes.

Earth will change that day. We cannot stop our destiny from happening no more than we can wear adult diapers and not get wet. However, we will try unsuccessfully, to prepare ourselves mentally for the day the earth will stand still. We will attempt to brace ourselves for the day our forbidden planet no longer offers the hope of living a fulfilling life of non-stop shopping and mounting credit card debt. It will be difficult for us to accept the fact that one day a creature from a black lagoon will be wearing the cubic zirconium jewelry which we had hoped to be wearing and showing off to our friends and neighbors. The tragedy will leave our minds lost in space. Our hearts will be heavy like a big blob. One day we will be forced to accept as the Mayans foretold, that our humanity will die when all our stuff takes a voyage to the bottom of the sea.

THE MARY JANE DOUGHNUT COMPANY
By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
Psychic
I hope everyone is doing well this week because I predict next week to be a bunch of farm fertilizer. It will be like the pigs, cows and, horses had eaten a whole pick-up load of laxatives. You might ask “can things get worse?” Well, so far I’ve just been predicting everyone’s personal life. All the stormy weather next week is going to blow pretty bad too. When it comes to singing “Here Comes the Sun”, the Beetles can put a sock in it next week.

You know that lately I think I’m getting a bit of a bad attitude. I think that later on today I’m going to go down to Mr. Henry’s trailer. He has something that really makes me smile. In fact, after about an hour I usually feel pretty giddy. Of course I’m talking about the famous doughnuts that he brings home from his organic bakery. Mr. Henry is a local celebrity and everyone loves his bakery.

Although Mr. Henry is famous and well liked by the local community today, it was not always like that. In fact, there were always a bunch of policemen down at his trailer searching it and then hauling poor Mr. Henry away to the slammer. One time I asked one older deputy why Mr. Henry was in trouble. The old fellow just looked at me and said that Mr. Henry had some Mary Jane in his trailer and he was using it to make brownies for distribution. For a while I thought I had heard the deputy wrong. I figured that Mary Jane had nothing to do with distribution but instead Mary Jane was doing something illegal that sounded like the word “distribution”.

Then, I wondered what this had to do with brownie ingredients when eureka, I finally figured out that in fact Mr. Henry was putting the herb “rosemary” not “Mary Jane” into his brownies. I tried to make some brownies with rosemary in them and they turned out really bad. I didn’t think were bad enough to be something you could get arrested for but, who really knows what laws are lurking out there. I was once arrested for being a psychic without having a license.

Suddenly, a few months ago the police stopped arresting Mr. Henry. The police kept stopping into his trailer but, instead of giving him the tazer and handcuff treatment, the police left his place all smiles and carrying a brown lunch bag that had grease dripping from the bottom of it. I asked Mr. Henry what was going on. He told me that since it was now legal to sell medical grass in Michigan, he had started selling medicinal brownies. Well, some large pharmaceutical company sicked the police on him even though he was doing something that was legal so, in order to get the police on his side he switched from making medicinal brownies to making medicinal organic doughnuts.

Just to make sure everyone knows his business is legitimate everyday the police stop by and pick up a few dozen medicinal doughnuts to take back to their crime lab for testing. Mr. Henry told me that, “at the crime lab the authorities make sure my doughnuts only contain the legal amounts of home grown herbs. In addition to turning my doughnuts over to the police, I’ve sent several hundred to both the Governor’s office and the state legislature. They all agree that my doughnuts are both nutritious and delicious. We all know that if a person has the proper nutrition, they tend to feel a lot better both physically and mentally.”

Mr. Henry received some government stimulus money to build a local doughnut factory. Now that it is up and running there are about 300 people who work there and support the local economy. Mr. Henry named the business “The Mary Jane Doughnut Company”. He said he named the company after his first and only true love, Mary Jane. Personally, I only hope that wherever Mary Jane is out there that she realizes what a great and honorable guy Mr. Henry has turned out to be.

SNAKES IN A TRAILER PARK PART I OF III

By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
PART I OF III
I just got back here from Becky Newman’s trailer. Boy is that place a dump. Becky is one of the filthiest people I have even known in my life. I would not have stepped foot into her pig sty except I wanted to check on her after the horrible ordeal this trailer park went through last week. Becky was at the center of the whole situation and it was caused because of the way she decided to deal with visitors she was having during the night. She is still my neighbor so I felt I had to look out for her even though she caused herself and everyone else in the trailer park a lot of problems.

I really found out just how unclean Becky’s house was a few months ago when I was invited over for one of those jewelry home sales parties. I love home shopping parties. Sometimes you can buy some really good bling there. Now, I have already said that Becky’s place was a pig sty but, I don’t even think any self-respecting pig would live in those filthy conditions. I know I am not perfect and from time to time let the dishes stack up in the sink and let a bit of dust build up on the furniture. Becky and I are both working girls so, I think it is justified that we don’t always keep things neat and tidy however, Becky was well beyond being a bit lazy or sloppy. She had dishes with half eaten food stuck to her furniture. She had encrusted silverware all over the floor, garbage bags stacked and leaking stuff all the way down the hallway and I don’t even want to mention her sink, stove or, the thing that was growing in her refrigerator. I am no doctor but, I think that the thing growing in her refrigerator was about to either give birth or go to seed. It growled and barred its fangs when I opened the door so I never got a really good look at it.

I did not eat anything at her party but, I did buy a nice bracelet for just $15.00. It was quite a bit of money but, a person has to splurge on themselves once in a while. After the party I didn’t hear from Becky for several weeks. I was beginning to wonder if she turned my money in for my bracelet. I hate to say it but, sometimes people are a bit forgetful once they have your cash from one of those parties. Finally, Becky showed up on my doorstep one day all upset about some spirits that were haunting her at night. She said she needed my psychic help and I asked her if she had heard anything about the bracelet I ordered. She told me she would check on it but, she desperately needed my help right away. I invited her in for some coffee so she could explain what was going on at her trailer. I didn’t want to go to her place for coffee because coffee is dark and you can’t always see what might be floating in it.

The ordeal started when Becky started to notice that some of her dishes that had encrusted food on them were miraculously self-cleaning overnight. Becky would come out of her bedroom in the morning expecting to see the same dishes full of gunk sitting around that had been sitting around for days, weeks, months and, even years. Instead, the dishes were shinny clean. In addition to the dishes being clean, her counters were getting cleaned up as well. She even could discern the original color of her sink and countertops. Becky was overwhelmed with both surprise at the work that was getting done and also with a since of gratitude for whoever was helping her out. It was like some kindly elves were coming in the middle of the night and cleaning up her house for her.

One night Becky left out some nice frosted cookies she had purchased at Dobermans Bakery. That bakery has the best cookies. There is so much frosting on their cookies that you can’t even taste the cookie dough underneath it. Anyway, Becky left the cookies out for her friends who were cleaning up her trailer for her hat night. At midnight Becky heard someone munching away on the cookies so she decided to pop out of her bedroom. Before Becky could turn the lights on she saw two big red eyes starring back at her. Becky assumed it was the devil so she screamed and ran out of her trailer. Once outside she waited until it started to get light out before she started beating on my door.

END OF PART I OF III
PUBLISHED WEEKLY

THE MOON MONSTERS WILL NOT ATTACK EARTH DIRECTLY

By Madam Misty Merkel
As my part of the war effort, in order to find out exactly how anti-matter worked and to pass on this information to my government, I tried contacting Mr. Scott who was chief engineer on the starship Enterprise. He told me that in order to get the real science behind anti-matter or death stars; I needed to contact Mr. Spook, the science officer. I tried all night to contact Mr. Spook but, I had no luck. So I called those two twin Star Trek girls, Laurie and Carrie, and they told me that Mr. Spook was still alive. They also said that he was just an actor and had no real scientific training. Who new?




My prediction about the war with the moon creatures is that there will not be one. Instead, the moon monsters are already destroying us by encouraging the Chinese to flood the U.S. with cheap plastic junk which will fill up our landfills and pollute our water and soil. The Leap already killed us while we were sleeping. That reminds me. I need to put my garbage out next week. I have a whole bunch of plastic nick knacks I’m getting rid of so I can up grade to better stuff.

2010 PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS

By Madam Mystic Merkel
2010 will be a year of fantastic upheaval. A lot of people will loose a lot more money in the stock and real estate markets. People will be starving around the globe and I’m going to buy a new wardrobe. You see I used my psychic abilities to hit the jackpot at the casino. I won $29,000 so I’m going to be living well for the next couple of years.

I am also changing my byline from Misty Merkel to Mystic Merkel. I have a couple of cousins named Misty Merkel who live in Flint Michigan. They are mad because people keep calling them up in the middle of the night for psychic advice. People always want to decide if they should move out on their significant other in the middle of the night. It seems that after they have been at the bar all night and come home in the early hours of the morning, that’s when people want to make significant life changing decisions.

People should be more like my parents. When my dad would come home after a late night of playing pool, my mom would lock him out of the house so he had to go and try to sleep on a kids swing set. He always fell out of it and ended up lying on the ground all night but, my parents never split up because my dad came home late from the bar. Now my ex-husbands I couldn’t lock out of the house because they never came home from the bar. At least they never came home to my house.

2010 is the year of the tiger in China. I predict that a lot of Americans will move to places like China next year in order to better themselves and raise their standard of living. A lot of Americans now have degrees in engineering so; they will be able to work on running all the new trains china is building. America does not need engineers anymore because it does not take too much math ability to figure out how to put a hamburger, taco, or pizza together.

Furthermore, in regards to jobs in America, more jobs that require good language skills will be exported to India. In fact, most Americans will almost completely loose the ability to communicate verbally. The only two words most Americans will be using by the end of the year 2010 are “huh?” and, “whatever”.

Politics will be really nasty in 2010. Nightly commentary shows will pounce on anyone who has any kind of opinion that is contrary to the opinion of the host/moderator. I think I’ll get all my news from the Home Shopping Network. They seem to have honest reporters who give people the kind of information that people really care about. It is important to know how many carrots are in a 24 carrot cubic zirconium diamond ring. Furthermore, people in America don’t want to go and vote at some polling place. We’d rather vote with our pocket books (credit cards).

In 2010 there will be a lot of movies made. There will also be a lot of fights over how content providers on TV should be compensated. I think they should be compensated the same way that internet content providers are compensated. If no one buys anything during the program then the network would make no money. The only people who watch TV ads are either comatose in a nursing home or, people who find the ads to be more entertaining than the programming itself. Maybe they should set up a channel that just has advertising on it. It certainly would have more viewers than the network news shows. Maybe the Home Shopping Network would fall into category of a station that only carries advertising.

I have to admit now that I lied. 2010 will not be a year of fantastic upheaval. I just said that to get your attention. I write a blog on the internet. What kind of integrity do you think I have? Overall, 2010 should be a boring year so those who want excitement should make their own excitement. Get out and meet people in your community. Volunteer to work at a library or homeless shelter. Pick up cans and bottles and give the money to charities. You could also use the can and bottle money to go to the casino. Maybe you’ll win $29,000 playing those one armed bandit machines. ’

SEPTEMBER PREDICTIONS

PSYCHIC NEWS AND INFORMATION
By Madam Misty Merkel

September will be a tough month for the stock market but, it should end up higher than it did in August. The “Cash for Clunkers” government program was a big hit. Everyone in my trailer park has bought a new SUV which have really great gas mileage. Most of my neighbors have jobs working as cooks and dishwashers in the various restaurants around town. They figure they should have their new vehicles paid for in about 15 years.

The government will pass comprehensive health care reform which will rely mostly on faith healers and witch doctors in order to cut costs. The new program will rely heavily on preventive care. Everyone in America will receive a voucher for $25.00 to see the faith healer or witch doctor of their choice. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Hopefully, psychics will be included in the list of health care providers.

All the guys will still want to go to "District 9" movie that came out in August. "Julie and Julia" will be a popular chick flick but, Hollywood needs to come out with more chick flicks. The last movie I was talked into seeing with my girlfriends was “Borat”. That was no chick flick. I see enough violence at the trailer park on the weekends. When the guy next door and his girlfriend are shooting at each other with pump shotguns and deer rifles, it is just a little bit too exciting for me. Overall, they are pretty good neighbors. They always put their guns away by 1:00 a.m. and never start drinking and playing loud music until at least noon.

September will start out as a really hot month and will then cool off gradually. The prices of pizza and beer will continue to go up as more and more unemployed people suddenly become too lazy to cook. It’s like when people are unemployed they quit doing all the little chores they did when they were working. They don’t cook, they don’t do their laundry and they really let their looks go. I guess they figure that if they are unemployed, no one is going to want them. They’re probably right. I know I don’t want some unemployed bum lazing around drinking up my beer and eating all my pizza.

I have been getting bugged about the Lions football team. The only vibes the spirit world is giving me regarding the Lions is that they are unlikely to win very many games in the foreseeable future. I will have better news during hockey season.

I am going to predict that the “Humor News Nuts” blog will be blogging by Labor Day. Those guys that run it will finally get off their summer hiatus and start publishing again. I feel sorry for Mike who, works as a gofer for his brothers at “Humor News Nuts”. He’s had bad luck all summer.

First of all, he lost his real job. Then, he could not pay his share of the rent so his roomies tossed him out on the street. He just had too many fines to pay that he incurred while doing his research work No one told him he needed a fishing license in order to hunt down killer sharks in Lake Michigan. Poor Mike did not even know that there is a limit on how many bull frogs you can take for a frog leg fry. Finally, he has a huge medical bill because he picked and ate the wrong kind of mushrooms and had to have his stomach pumped.

I decided to cheer Mike up by predicting his future. I felt sure that whatever the prediction turned out to be it would still be better than his present life. How could it be any worse? So I sent Mike out to pick up three Petoskey stones out west of town. There’s an old gravel pit out there that used to be the dig site of some paleontologist. At least he was getting money to dig around out there.

The paleontologist had the theory that Petoskey stones are the remains of a giant, psychic brain that crashed into the earth 350 million years ago. Unfortunately, this scientist used all the money he received for the dig to simply live very well downtown at the Holiday Inn that’s right on the bay. He never went near the dig site until the feds started to investigate him. He never spent a dime on equipment or anything for the dig site. The only shovel he had was a broken one he found. I’m not really sure what happened after the feds arrested him. The guys that run “Humor News Nuts” want to make this paleontologist their scientific advisor if he does not have too long of a jail term. Maybe he can get some sort of work release program.

Mike came back from the pit with three really nice Petoskey stones. They all had lots of really nice eyes on them. The first stone I looked at closely was shaped like an arrowhead. The second stone was more heart shaped. The thrived stone had a crack running across it. After examining the stones, I could give Mike nothing but great news. I told Mike that the cracked stone meant that in the past he was broke and that the arrow shaped stone meant he would be up and coming in his personal finances situation. I further stated the heart shaped stone meant he would of course meet someone who would be significant to him romantically.

I ended my session with Mike by telling him all he had to do to pay me was to give me the three Petoskey stones. I figured that I could polish them up and get $30.00 each by selling them to the tourist. Next time I send someone out to pick up Petoskey stones I’ll have they bring back a lot more stones. Making big bucks off of each stone could finally make this physic business payoff. Maybe I might not have to do body piercing to make ends meet.

The kids will be going back to school so I'll finally get some peace and quiet in my TP (trailer park). There won't be any snow storms in September but, the flu season will keep a lot of kids home. I just hope the kids don't go into the stores and cough all over the cart handles. At times, those things are pretty nasty. Overall, September will be a mediocre month.

PREDICTIONS FOR SEPTEMBER 2009

PHYCHIC NEWS AND INFORMATION
By Madam Misty Merkel

September will be a tough month for the stock market but, it should end up higher than it did in August. The “Cash for Clunkers” [government program will continue to be a big hit. Everyone in my trailer park has bought a new SUV which have really great gas mileage. Most of my neighbors have jobs working as cooks and dishwashers in the various restaurants around town. They figure they should have their new vehicles paid for in about 15 years.

The government will pass comprehensive health care reform which will rely mostly on faith healers and witch doctors in order to cut costs. The new program will rely heavily on preventive care. Everyone in America will receive a voucher for $25.00 to see the faith healer or witch doctor of their choice. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Hopefully, psychics will be included in the list of health care providers.

All the guys will still want to go to the GI Joe movie that came out in August. Hollywood needs to come out with more chick flicks. The last movie I was talked into seeing with my girlfriends was “Borat”. That was no chick flick. I see enough violence at the trailer park on the weekends. When the guy next door and his girlfriend are shooting at each other with pump shotguns and deer rifles, it is just a little bit too exciting for me. Overall, they are pretty good neighbors. They always put their guns away by 1:00 a.m. and never start drinking and playing loud music until at least noon.

September will start out as a really hot month and will then cool off gradually. The prices of pizza and beer will continue to go up as more and more unemployed people suddenly become too lazy to cook. It’s like when people are unemployed they quit doing all the little chores they did when they were working. They don’t cook, they don’t do their laundry and they really let their looks go. I guess they figure that if they are unemployed, no one is going to want them. They’re probably right. I know I don’t want some unemployed bum lazing around drinking up my beer and eating all my pizza.

I have been getting bugged about the Lions football team. The only vibes the spirit world is giving me regarding the Lions is that they are unlikely to win any games in the foreseeable future. I will have better news during hockey season.

I am going to predict that the “Humor News Nuts” blog will be blogging by Labor Day. Those guys that run it will finally get off their summer hiatus and start publishing again. I feel sorry for Mike who, works as a gofer for his brothers at “Humor News Nuts”. He’s had bad luck all summer.

First of all, he lost his real job. Then, he could not pay his share of the rent so his roomies tossed him out on the street. He just had too many fines to pay that he incurred while doing his research work No one told him he needed a fishing license in order to hunt down killer sharks in Lake Michigan. Poor Mike did not even know that there is a limit on how many bull frogs you can take for a frog leg fry. Finally, he has a huge medical bill because he picked and ate the wrong kind of mushrooms and had to have his stomach pumped.

I decided to cheer Mike up by predicting his future. I felt sure that whatever the prediction turned out to be it would still be better than his present life. How could it be any worse? So I sent Mike out to pick up three Petoskey stones out west of town. There’s an old gravel pit out there that used to be the dig site of some paleontologist. At least he was getting money to dig around out there.

The paleontologist had the theory that Petoskey stones are the remains of a giant, psychic brain that crashed into the earth 350 million years ago. Unfortunately, this scientist used all the money he received for the dig to simply live very well downtown at the Holiday Inn that’s right on the bay. He never went near the dig site until the feds started to investigate him. He never spent a dime on equipment or anything for the dig site. The only shovel he had was a broken one he found. I’m not really sure what happened after the feds arrested him. The guys that run “Humor News Nuts” want to make this paleontologist their scientific advisor if he does not have too long of a jail term. Maybe he can get some sort of work release program.

Mike came back from the pit with three really nice Petoskey stones. They all had lots of really nice eyes on them. The first stone I looked at closely was shaped like an arrowhead. The second stone was more heart shaped. The thrived stone had a crack running across it. After examining the stones, I could give Mike nothing but great news. I told Mike that the cracked stone meant that in the past hi was broke and that the arrow shaped stone meant he would be up and coming in his personal finances situation. I further stated the heart shaped stone meant he would of course meet someone who would be significant to him romantically.

I ended my session with Mike by telling him all he had to do to pay me was to give me the three Petoskey stones. I figured that I could polish them up and get $30.00 each by selling them to the tourist. Next time I send someone out to pick up Petoskey stones I’ll have they bring back a lot more stones. Making big bucks off of each stone could finally make this physic business payoff. Maybe I might not have to do body piercing to make ends meet.