PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL
Humor News Nuts Publications
Well, May has begun. As far as the weather is concerned I predict that May will be the warmest month so far this year. I further predict that there will be less snow in May then there was in January. My weather predictions are said to be "uncanny" and "always right-on" so, you can take my prediction for May to the bank.
When it comes to politics, I predict that the ghost of Lincoln will be haunting the Lincoln bedroom at the White House. Specifically, he'll be lying down in his bed next to any guest who ventures to stay overnight in that room. Just be warned if you do stay in Lincoln's bed this month that ghosts have really cold feat and tend to snore often and loud . They also tend to use the bathroom a lot so they're in and out of bed all night long. Flatulence is also a problem for many old ghosts. I don't know what ghosts eat but it goes without saying that the louder the thunder the worse the odor.
For you sportsmen out there I have a really important prediction for you; there will be an incredible number of Big Foots hatching out of eggs this spring. Since Big Foots grow to full adult size in less than six weeks by next fall the numbers of Big Foots taken by hunters, I will predict right now, hit a new all time record in the State of Michigan. Personally, I don't like to eat Big Foot meat however, I do like to eat the eggs. The eggs are just Divine when scrambled in real butter and Christmas eggnog just isn't quite right without using Big Foot eggs to make it. Yum, Yum, Yum!!! So, good luck hunters and remember me if you get one that's full of eggs. Remember, Big Foot eggs are best before they are laid. The ones already laid in a nest tend to be a bit on the rubbery side.
Now, I have a very serious problem that I wish to talk about and no, it's not my drinking. You see, as a trailer park psychic I don't make enough money to have an alcohol consumption problem. Instead, my low income status causes me to have an alcohol acquisition problem. But, "say the bee" as the French would say. No, my serious problem has to do with the numbers of gnomes that have suddenly appeared all over the neighborhood. It seems every single garden and walkway in the trailer park has several scurvy looking little gnomes lurking about. I'm frightened to go for a walk for fear one of those little boogers will try to bite me on the leg.
Of course some of you out there might be thinking that Madam Misty is a racist when it comes to creatures that aren't exactly human. Of course to such critics I have to say that I am only prejudiced against creatures that want to bite me like werewolves, vampires and of course gnomes.
Gnomes are really bad. There are two types of gnomes at least there are two possible outcomes that you can suffer as a result of a gnome bite. One is that like vampires or werewolves, when bitten by a certain type of gnome you will then turn into a gnome. And, believe me boys and girls, a gnome is not what you want to shrink down to be. My cousin became a gnome and no one in the family every invites him to any of our get-togethers. He has been completely ostracised by everyone including his own mom and dad. He would have been ostracised by his siblings but rumor has it that he at them.
The second type of gnome is one that has a bite that will literally give you rabies (some say cooties). My neighbor down the street was bitten by this type of gnome in the morning and by early afternoon she was frothing at the mouth like my ex-husband Fred frothed at the mouth at the all-you-can-eat bar at Denny's. I once watched a bus person use two bottles of window cleaner just to clean all of my ex husband's drool off the glass over the pasta-bar.
I guess I'm digressing a bit. Well, what I'm trying to say is watch out for gnomes. They're evil, they're ugly and they bite.
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