APRIL SNOW MAKES TIME GO SLOW

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

Well, we have another fun month upon us. I'm afraid it is going to be another cold one. The evil winter spirits just don't seem to want to give it up this year. The bad weather this year is like my second husband;  it just won't go away. Most of my boyfriends have been like that too, excepting of course the ones I really like. Over in England I guess they call liking someone who hates you an unrequited love. Here in Northern Michigan we call that a country- western song. Of course in some parts of Michigan they call it a polka. I don't think I really want to go there. Now down in Motown they call it rhythm and blues. Whatever it's called I've been there just about every other week since junior high.

Anyway, the weather is going to stink until about the last week of April. I do see May, June, July and August as being much warmer months than April. My accuracy in predicting the weather is really pretty good. Just wait and see.

In politics I predict that the thumb part of the state of Michigan will try to secede from the union. They will try to create a super libertarian state known as East Thumbia. There will be no taxes there and universal health care for those that can afford it. The national flag will portray a naked 400 lb man smoking a cigarette, holding a can of sugary pop in one hand and a sack of potato chips in the other. The state motto will be "Health, Who Needs It". It sounds like they're going to use my second husband as the mascot on their flag. 

It will be hoped for by the people of East Thumbia that their new nation will be able to attract tourists from all over the world. The main souvenir sold there will be a Lake Huron Salmon thermometer. Salmon in the great lakes are excellent natural thermometers due to their high mercury content.

In sports, the Detroit Tigers are going to start playing baseball while on the field. In past seasons they tried a "curling" strategy when playing offense which clearly did not work for them. The guy running the bases kept getting tripped up by the guy with the broom. Not a pretty sight in any sport.

Well, I don't have much else to say. Just be wary of those dog gone garden gnomes. They'll be popping up soon as they return from vacationing down south in Cadillac. They'll be showing off the nice tans they have while the rest of us up North have pasty white skin like we're just a bunch of winter zombies up here.