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| Chili of the Weird Sisters |
By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
I've decided to find out once and for all who is
going to be the president. I've used all
my psychic abilities to try to see into the future but alas, I just can’t get a
clear picture on this one so, I've decided to use the nuclear option on this
one and go down the street to the trailer of the weird sisters; My direct psychic
competitors, and divine from them the outcome of this election.
I suppose I should give you a bit of background
regarding the Weird Sisters and I have to say that "weird" hardly describes
them. The sisters are not considered
weird because they have always lived together, never married or even dated and,
spend all their time cooking and eating.
You see in my trailer park there are lots of sisters living together to
share expenses like rent, have a roommate they can trust and spend a lot of
time cooking and eating what they cook.
Luckily, most of these sisters like to give out samples of their cooking
to neighbors who like myself, don't like to cook but, still like to eat good
stuff.
That all said, the weird sisters are considered
weird because of the demonic powers they seem to draw from the chili that they coagulate
in a large black cauldron in front of their trailer every afternoon on All
Hollow’s Eve.
Well, this year I went down to visit the weird
sisters to find out from them if a man or a woman would be sleeping in the
White House after this year’s election for president. I did not want to ask the
weird sisters the name of the person who would be sleeping in the white house
because they would just give me some indirect answer anyway.
As luck would have it all three weird sisters
were busily stirring their wicked chili together when I approached them on All
Hollow’s Eve.
“Hi Morgen, Zorgon and Dorgon. How are the sisters Gorgon doing today?” I addressed them by their first names and
their last name, Gorgon.”
“The sisters Gorgon are doing very well on this
most festive of holidays." replied Morgan, "We are
preparing our chili for the potluck that our place of worship is having this
evening. Would you like a little taste
of it in a bowl?”
“It smells so delicious I can’t help but take a
sample of it, thank you,” I said. All three sisters were on the chunky side. No doubt they did a lot of sampling of their
creations as they concocted them. This
of course made me feel very safe to taste their food since they obviously did a
lot of tasting themselves.
Morgon then said, “We have to first say a little
word over our chili and add the final ingredients before we can give you a
sample Madam Merkel. Do you have a few
minutes?”
“No problem,” I said.
“Well sisters, let’s begin now,” Morgan said as
each sister held up by a thumb and forefinger a part of the final ingredients.
The sisters then began a short incantation with
each sister reciting exactly one sentence and then releasing their ingredient
into the chili.
“Wing of bat,” Morgan said as she released from
between her thumb and index finger what looked to be a rodent wing.
“Tail of rat,” said sister Zorgon as she released
a long hair string like tail into the chili.
“Eye of Nat,” said weird sister Dorgan as she
released the thing that really creeped me out, a very real looking human
eyeball.”
Then the sister chanted the following
incantation:
“Boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, boil, and boil
The bear and chief inspector,
The election totals they will spoil.”
Well, I was just shocked. I couldn’t believe it and I just had to say
something,
“Hey sisters,” I said, “That looked like a real human eye that you
dropped into your chili. What’s up with
that?”
“Well, that was an eye from Jerry Nathan who
lives down the road,” responded Zorgon.
“You mean one-eyed Willie,” I asked.
“The same,” answered Dorgon.
“So now one-eyed Willie doesn’t have any eyes left and can’t see at all?” I proclaimed.
“Naw,” responded Morgon “that was his glass
eye. Every year he lets us use it in our
potluck Halloween social down at our church.
The person who gets the surprise in their chili, the eyeball, wins the jackpot which is a
brand new vacuum cleaner courtesy of the second hand store in Chum’s
Corners. And, our course if you’re
wondering, in order to claim the prize, someone has to give up the
eyeball and then we return it to Jerry along with all our sisterly love and
affections for his good and charitable lending of his eyeball to our good
cause.”
“Wow, that’s a relief,” I remarked to the weird
sisters. “Can I have a bowl of you
delicious chili now?” I asked. I was
actually getting quite hungry and I was intending to go out trick or treating
later on that evening.
Weird sister Morgan then used a ladle to place
some very chunky looking chili into a porcelain bowl and then Morgan handed me
the bowl along with a plastic spoon to eat it with. She then kindly handed me a few oyster
crackers which I then dropped on top of my homemade chili.
“Well, this looks delicious,” I said. “Too bad I don’t have any cheese,”
Unfortunately, we just don’t have that,”
responded Dorgon with a sigh, “But, if you wait a few hours you’ll be making
your own cheese.”
We all broke out in a very loud laugh. Dorgan’s joke was just so funny. Then, I started
stirring around my chili with my plastic spoon and found that it seemed to have
a lot of flakes of what looked like skin in it along with pieces of intestine
looking worms. “What’s all this stuff in
my chili?” I asked.
“You must be referring to the pedestrian roadkill
that we add to our chili. It’s really
just like zucchini. The roadkill does not have much taste but, it’s really good
filler. Otherwise our chili would be too
strongly flavored by tomatoes and taste like everyone else’s chili”.
“Oh, that sounds alright,” I responded. “I just didn’t want to be eating something
weird. Something that, no one in Northern
Michigan hasn’t eaten before.
After I was done eating I handed my empty bowl
and spoon back to the weird sisters. The chili was delicious but, it could have
had more salt for my liking but I didn’t want to say anything insulting before
I got my presidential prediction from the weird sisters.
“Thank you kind sisters for a taste of your
wonderful chili,” I said. “I didn’t get any eyeball so I guess I won’t get a
prize.”
Then Morgan said, “You should come to our potluck
tonight Madam Merkel. You might win the
big prize and it only cost a five dollar donation to sample all the chili’s
there.”
“I’d love to come,” I said, “but, I’m going
trick-or-treating tonight with a friend. Say, I do have a large favor to ask
you sisters though.”
Well sisters Gorgon, as you probably know there
is a presidential election going on and I am having a hard time predicting it
and I was wondering if you couldn’t help me out by giving me your prediction.
“No problem,” replied Gorgon. Then, the three
weird sister each grabbed hold of the long ladle that sat in their chili and
began stirring it together. After a few
seconds the sisters chanted together the following:
“After a campaign so much contested, where evil
shouts and good protested, within the White House it shall keep, a man and woman
will lightly sleep.”
After that I walked back to my trailer racking my
brain to decipher the Gorgons prediction. Then, it came to me. Finally, I had my answer. I can now say with complete certainty that the presidential candidate who wins will share the White House with their spouse. Those weird sisters are pretty amazing. No wonder I lose so much psychic prediction business to them. I just wonder who got one-eyed Willie's eye in their bowl of chili? Of course, maybe no one got One-eyed Willie's eye. But, does that mean we are all in the jackpot?
