NOT ALL ZOMBIES EAT BRAINS

By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

I am getting really tired of people saying that all zombies eat brains. I happen to know a few zombies and their favorite food is cat food and strawberries. When I invite my zombie friends over I open up a few large cans of cat food and poor strawberry jam over it. Boy, do those zombies love that stuff. The only problem with zombies is that they will not stop eating until they are full. I think that that is part of the reason zombies have such a bad reputation. Of course the red strawberry jam running out of their mouths might also give people the wrong idea, not to mention the texture of cat food.

The problem with running out of food when you invite zombies over for supper is that the zombie will start chewing on anything they can grab in order to satisfy their cat food/strawberry stimulated appetites. A hungry zombie might eat your TV guide, the arms off your chairs and, the arms off your kids or maybe your favorite pet guinea pig. I lost my favorite guinea pig to a zombie friend once and I have not invited her back to my place since. Although she might be a zombie she should still respect my things. After all, I don’t go over to the ditch where my friends lies during the daytime and eat any of her cattails or any of the maggots she has crawling all over her comatose zombie corpse.

Overall, I try not to dwell on the indiscretion of one former zombie friend. Instead, I enjoy the company of the undead. Most of them don’t smell too bad if they drink lots of mint tea. It seems the mint sort of oozes around inside the zombie and helps to sweeten the dead flesh. Of course I also burn flower flavored candles in my trailer before my zombie company arrive. I do have to put the candles out before the zombies arrive because zombies are just so klutzy that they knock over everything and candles in a trailer is really a big no, no anyway.

One good thing about zombies is that they won’t dirty any silverware or plates and they never use napkins. Wiping their mouths with a napkin is considered to be just a waste of good food. Zombies eat with their fingers until one day every zombie seems to get so excited over their meal that they accidentally bite their fingers off. After their fingers are gone then the zombie will eat out of the palm of their hand until one day they bite their palm off. Then they eat with the stub of the forearm until that’s ate off and so on up the arm until they are eating their food off just a short stub of their forearm. Many zombies are lucky enough to have their teeth fall out long before they have eaten themselves up to the elbow.

One more thing that you have to remember when serving zombies is that you cannot serve them food that has any salt in it. Salt burns the flesh of the undead something awful. Of course everyone knows that you never rub salt into an open wound. For zombies their entire bodies are just one big open wound. I have a blood pressure problem myself so I use herbs on all the foods I prepare anyways.

Overall, please don’t treat zombies in a bad way. After all, they used to be people too. Zombies should be befriended and not feared. They don’t even eat humans unless they run out of cat food. Finally, you should treat zombies with the same respect you treat old people. After all, someday you might be one.