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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

THE MARY JANE DOUGHNUT COMPANY
By Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
Psychic
I hope everyone is doing well this week because I predict next week to be a bunch of farm fertilizer. It will be like the pigs, cows and, horses had eaten a whole pick-up load of laxatives. You might ask “can things get worse?” Well, so far I’ve just been predicting everyone’s personal life. All the stormy weather next week is going to blow pretty bad too. When it comes to singing “Here Comes the Sun”, the Beetles can put a sock in it next week.

You know that lately I think I’m getting a bit of a bad attitude. I think that later on today I’m going to go down to Mr. Henry’s trailer. He has something that really makes me smile. In fact, after about an hour I usually feel pretty giddy. Of course I’m talking about the famous doughnuts that he brings home from his organic bakery. Mr. Henry is a local celebrity and everyone loves his bakery.

Although Mr. Henry is famous and well liked by the local community today, it was not always like that. In fact, there were always a bunch of policemen down at his trailer searching it and then hauling poor Mr. Henry away to the slammer. One time I asked one older deputy why Mr. Henry was in trouble. The old fellow just looked at me and said that Mr. Henry had some Mary Jane in his trailer and he was using it to make brownies for distribution. For a while I thought I had heard the deputy wrong. I figured that Mary Jane had nothing to do with distribution but instead Mary Jane was doing something illegal that sounded like the word “distribution”.

Then, I wondered what this had to do with brownie ingredients when eureka, I finally figured out that in fact Mr. Henry was putting the herb “rosemary” not “Mary Jane” into his brownies. I tried to make some brownies with rosemary in them and they turned out really bad. I didn’t think were bad enough to be something you could get arrested for but, who really knows what laws are lurking out there. I was once arrested for being a psychic without having a license.

Suddenly, a few months ago the police stopped arresting Mr. Henry. The police kept stopping into his trailer but, instead of giving him the tazer and handcuff treatment, the police left his place all smiles and carrying a brown lunch bag that had grease dripping from the bottom of it. I asked Mr. Henry what was going on. He told me that since it was now legal to sell medical grass in Michigan, he had started selling medicinal brownies. Well, some large pharmaceutical company sicked the police on him even though he was doing something that was legal so, in order to get the police on his side he switched from making medicinal brownies to making medicinal organic doughnuts.

Just to make sure everyone knows his business is legitimate everyday the police stop by and pick up a few dozen medicinal doughnuts to take back to their crime lab for testing. Mr. Henry told me that, “at the crime lab the authorities make sure my doughnuts only contain the legal amounts of home grown herbs. In addition to turning my doughnuts over to the police, I’ve sent several hundred to both the Governor’s office and the state legislature. They all agree that my doughnuts are both nutritious and delicious. We all know that if a person has the proper nutrition, they tend to feel a lot better both physically and mentally.”

Mr. Henry received some government stimulus money to build a local doughnut factory. Now that it is up and running there are about 300 people who work there and support the local economy. Mr. Henry named the business “The Mary Jane Doughnut Company”. He said he named the company after his first and only true love, Mary Jane. Personally, I only hope that wherever Mary Jane is out there that she realizes what a great and honorable guy Mr. Henry has turned out to be.

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