THE OLD MAN AND THE STOVE PIPE (A CHRISTMAS STORY)

by Mystic Madam Misty (Murky) Merkel

Associate Writer

Humor News Nuts Publications

Well, it's almost Christmas again and everyone in my trailer park is making merry indeed.  Every bathtub has a still for making gin and every kitchen counter has a mini-winery setup.  I know some of you might be wondering how we Northern Michigan trailer park people take our baths and showers this time of year when we have stills set up in our bathrooms.  Well, it’s really simple isn't it?  We live in Northern Michigan and we don't bathe much in the winter months up here.  It's just too cold and no one wants to literally catch their death of cold up here.  In my trailer park in particular there is always a good chance of some sort of pneumonia or plague breaking out.  The rats around here are as big as watermelons and big rats like that can carry around a lot of little beasties that cause humans to get very ill.  Getting chilled to the bone by bathing just weakens the immune system so the little beasties can take hold more easily.  

Now, Christmas has always been a holiday when many of us adults look back to fond memories of our childhood in particular, Christmas mornings when we'd unwrap all our wonderful presents that Santa brought us during the night.  

My parents, books and television provided the story of how Santa always brought presents on Christmas Eve.  I remember the stories where Santa would enter the houses of strangers by sliding down their chimneys into the fireplace.  Now, my uncle Mike got into strangers houses with a glass-cutter and crowbar which I thought was much easier then the chimney route.   Of course, a really big difference between Santa and my uncle Mike was that my uncle went into stranger’s houses to get presents and not to leave presents behind.  But like Santa, my Uncle Mike did drink a glass of milk and eat some cookies once and that's when he left some fingerprints behind.  Now, my mom and grandma take a fruitcake to Uncle Mike every year a week or so before Christmas.  That's pretty much the only time they go to visit him because of the shame and all that sort of stuff, at least that's what I was told. 

Getting back to Santa and his trip down the chimney, I was always bothered by the fact that my family had a wood-stove with a small round pipe going up through the roof which I could see was way too small for a little girl like myself to slide down let alone a gigantic fat man like Santa.  This bothered me for years until finally when I was 17 I asked my grandpa how Santa was able to slide down the narrow stovepipe when Santa was so big and fat.  

My grandpa thought for a while and then said, " You see Misty,   Santa can really suck in his belly and can slim right down until he is able to slide right down the stovepipe."

"But, where does all that belly fat go?"  I asked, "I can squeeze into some really tight jeans but then, I have this muffin top of flab sticking out all around me.  Surely, Santa would only squeeze down only so much before he formed a giant muffin top and got stuck in the chimney and could go no farther down."

I was becoming really frustrated and my eyes were starting to tear up.  Grandpa squinted and gave me the weirdest look like he couldn't believe how upset I was over the fat Santa-thin stovepipe issue.  I know he could not have known about all the years I had lain awake at night wondering how someone Santa's size could fit down a stove pipe that was only about eight inches wide.  Several times I had asked my math teachers if they could explain to me the geometrical theory which would allow a man of Santa's girth to slide down a really narrow pipe.  My teachers of course would lay some sort of ridicule on me like “Misty, you’re in high school and you still don’t know about Santa?”  Sometimes, my teachers would ridicule me in front of the entire class.  The class of course would roar with laughter and the other girls would taunt me by calling me by my real name "Murky Merkel," and saying, “Murky Merkel is so stupid!”  Of course, even with the ridicule I would have been greatly relieved of my anxiety if only one single teacher would have been kind enough to explain to me the Santa-stovepipe phenomena.  It was as though everyone on earth knew exactly how Santa could get down a narrow stovepipe except me.  I think they were laughing at me because they thought I was ignorant 

Well, grandpa finally did come through for me and explained exactly how jolly old obese Santa got down the narrow stovepipe.  "It's magic," he said, "you see Santa has magic powers and can easily slim himself down to fit into any chimney, any stovepipe even if it is just a narrow furnace pipe or even the narrow plastic pipe that lets the stink for the septic rise up above the rooftop instead of smelling up your trailer house.

Well, that was it then.  Magic is what allowed Santa to slide into any home by using any pipe that stuck out of the roof.  Grandpa had given me the answer that I had been seeking all those years and that answer was “magic.”  Grandpa was always a wise and dear father figure to me after my dad took off.  I miss grandpa dearly every Christmas.  For unfortunately, Uncle Mike in order to get a reduced sentence turned Grandpa in for selling bootleg cigarettes without collecting taxes on them so, Grandpa won't be home for Christmas for the next three-five years.  

NORTHERN MICHIGAN PSYCHIC MOVES UP THE SOCIAL LADDER

by Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel 
Resident Psychic
Assistant Associate Part-Time Contributor
Humor News Nuts 

I am so excited.  As I predicted, April has seen much better weather than in previous months.  The snow is nearly gone and I am now ready to show my neighbors how much I have improved in my social ranking.  I am now poised to become part of the upper-lower class in my trailer park .  I have paid my dues all these years, living in my low-rent trailer park and now I am ready to strut my stuff.

You see, I am ready to add to the landscape of my front yard a nice white porcelain toilet into which I will plant some long stem purple petunias.  I will be the absolute envy of section D in my trailer park.

I am of course very proud of my beautiful white porcelain temple.  I have a couple of neighbors who have toilets in their yards however, their toilets are retro-70's colors like that freaky mauve color and baby blue.  Having colored toilets in your front yard is really a sign of not having a taste for the classical aesthetic beauty of white porcelain.

Some of you envious souls out there are probably thinking that I must have torn the toilet out of my own trailer or, perhaps I stole it out of someones cabin but, on both counts you'd be wrong.  I am proud of the way I acquired my petunia pot.  For you see, unlike most people my toilet was not just given to me.  I didn't inherit it from grandma and grandpa or any aunt or uncle.  I earned my toilet.  I gave someone a free willow-witch session where I found them a whole pond full of water just beneath the soil where they wanted to dig a basement.  The couple didn't have any cash to give me so they gave me this old toilet they had found in a ditch.  The toilet was all stained and dirty but, with a little elbow-grease I had it shined up just like new.

I can hardly wait to get some petunias in my toilet so, I can show off my new prominent social status.  My white porcelain piece of art with it's double crown of petunias will be a real welcoming site for anyone coming to visit, be they living or be they dead.  My good friend President Nixon has already told me that a potty in the front yard will make many passed-on politicians feel like they're on the campaign trail again.  

Now, all I have to do is get some petunias.  I'll probably just dig a few up here and there at the gas station down the street.   They always plant their front in mixed colored petunias and they won't worry about a couple of  purple ones missing here and there.  Besides, I buy a bottle of wine there everyday so, I think they'll not mind at all.

Soon, my white porcelain potty will runneth over with long stemmed, royal purple petunias and I will feel just as rich as a Wall Street Ponzi-man.  My next project will be to get a couple of giant truck tires for my backyard and fill them full of purple begonias.  Who knows, if my yard becomes eye-candy for the neighborhood maybe I'll start a part-time landscaping business for the summer.

"The Potty Painting" by the famous artist Rantbean Von Beep.

PSYCHIC PREDICTS THE WINNER OF THE SUPER BOWL IS?.

Mystic Madam Misty Merkel Predicts the Superbowl Outcome
by Mistic Madam Misty Merkel
Resident Psychic Investigator
Humor News Nuts Publications
My February 2014 Predictions

It is the Year Of The Horse and also, the year we celebrate fast food hamburger joints.  And no,  I am not inferring that fast food hamburgers are made from horse meat but, I am simply predicting that a lot more people this year will come down with a case of the galloping trots after consuming said burgers.   You see, the meat used at burger joints has become a bit tainted because of all the hot weather we've had during the Year Of The Dog.

Getting back to my predictions for February, this month is going to be cold in Northern Michigan and the people up here will be starving.  Furthermore, because of the increased snowfall this year I predict cannibalism will be on the rise in cities like Gaylord and Petoskey.  When it's harder to find roadkill the locals in Northern Michigan start eating tourists then, their neighbors and finally, their next of kin.  My advise to people living in or visiting Northern Michigan in February is to stay inside your trailers and nail your windows and doors shut.  Remember, there's lots of starving people out there and a family of four will feed another family of four for at least a week (maybe longer if they make sausage out of the innards and bones).

Of course what would Northern Michigan be without a festival to honor our families who have the munchies for human flesh.  So, downtown Traverse City is holding its annual "Eat Humans Food Festival" this weekend.   At this festival several prominent Northern Michigan families will be sharing their culinary favorite dishes of human deliciousness.  Everyone is invited to attend and best of all it's free.  Donations are encouraged but, the donation must be at least 18 years old and weigh no less than 200 lbs.  According to the locals aged tissues with fatty deposits in human meat make it just melt in your mouth like homespun butter.

My next prediction is one of the hardest I have ever had to make.  I had to really go out on a limb to predict the winner of the big Super Bowl game being played this weekend.  I do have a prediction but, it was not easy to come by.  First of all, I had problems finding my crystal balls.  I looked everywhere for them.  I looked under my couch, under my pillow, in the back of my closet, under my sink and in my toilet bowl but still, I could not find either one of them.  Finally, I remembered that I had loaned them out to my friend Sarah who is working a booth at the Eat Humans Food Festival in downtown Traverse City.  Her kidney omelet exhibit is outside this year and Sarah said she needed my crystal balls to hold down the tablecloth she had draped over her plywood exhibit table.  I was going to ask for my balls back but, I knew Sarah needed them this weekend and I knew I could get some replacement crystal balls because they were having a clearance sale on crystal balls at  Penny's.  After taking public transportation to the Penny's store and returning home I set out my crystal balls to try to find out who would win Sunday's big game.

After having a glass of wine I looked into one crystal ball and saw Super Bowl rings on a football team decked out in Denver Broncos Jerseys.  Of course because my prediction for the big game is taken to heart by people across my entire trailer park I decided I had better get a second opinion just to be sure.  So, I drank another glass of wine and took a look into my other crystal ball.    On first inspection this ball seemed to be a little cloudy but I blinked my eyes and the cloudiness was gone.  I guess my eyes had gotten teared up because the wine I was drinking had turned out to be wine vinegar so, it had a bit of a kick to it which caused my eyes to get all teary.  Anyway, when the haze was gone I distinctly saw a football team wearing Super Bowl rings all decked out in Seattle Seahawk uniforms.  I was very confused.  I realized that one of my crystal balls had to be defective and it was giving me an incorrect read of the future but, which one.

Because of my conundrum I decided that I should call upon a spirit from the next world to steer me to the correct prediction.  So, I called upon my good friend President Nixon to help me out.    I ask President Nixon who was going to win the big game on Sunday and he told me he was sure it would be the New York Jets.  He said he would never bet against a team that had Joe Nemeth as quarterback.  I didn't argue with my president but, it seems he would be attending a game played back in the mid-20th century.  I guess I never expected that a spirit could time travel back to whatever Super Bowl game they wanted in order to watch their favorite team and players win.

As I thought about it. this time travel idea started to intrigue me.  Since members of the spirit world could transport themselves back to their favorite team's Super Bowl victory I decided that a powerful mystic  psychic like myself could find a way back to when my favorite team won the Super Bowl.  Being that I am a Michigander my favorite professional football team is of course the Detroit Lions. However, after doing a quick online search I found to my horror that the Detroit Lions have never won the Superbowl.  In fact, my favorite team has never even played in a Super Bowl game.  But, no matter.  On Sunday I am simply going to transport myself into the future where I will find the Lions finally winning a Super Bowl game.  I'm really very excited but, I'm going to have to leave right away in order to get that far into the future to watch the opening kickoff. You see, the first Lions win at the Super Bowl is in the year 2,583,213.4.   Even with my psychic brain traveling along at nearly light speed I will barely get to that game on time. So, there you have it.  I predict that on Sunday, where (when) I am the Detroit Lions will win the Super Bowl.        

NEW YEARS PREDICTIONS FOR 2014

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL
Associate Investigator Of The Paranormal 
Humor News Nuts Publications

I've finally recuperated enough from New Years Eve to post my predictions for 2014.  On New Years Eve I attended the Black Cherry Drop in Traverse City.  I of course spent all afternoon visiting all the local bars so that by the time the big cherry was to drop at midnight I had to get really close to it to notice it dropping.  Well, when the big cherry dropped it bopped me right on the head and knocked me senseless to the ground.  When I came to my senses everyone was gone and I was just lying there in the open cold.  I crawled along for a while until I came to a porch and then I climbed underneath it for shelter.  Unfortunately, I ran into a  very large raccoon already bedding down for the evening.  The raccoon was not happy to see me and snarled and bared his teeth.  I snarled back and bared my teeth because I certainly was not happy to see him.  It wasn't long before the two of us were wrestling around under that porch.  I got scratched up pretty good but, I bit off the raccoons right ear.  The scratches I got will eventually heal but that raccoon will remember his missing ear the rest of his days.  After I spit the ear out the raccoon ran off so I had the entire place to myself.  It was kind of cozy under that porch but, when  the sun finally came up I was glad to crawl out to the nearest sidewalk and stand up like a human being.

After I got back to my trailer I took a couple of days to rest up before I decided it was time to contacts the spirit-world for guidance to my annual predictions.  
I usually consume a bottle of wine before the spirits are ready to contact me but, having not quite recovered from New Years Eve I could not stand the smell of  even a single glass of wine.  Luckily, I had a half bottle of schnapps left over from Christmas Day and that was enough to conjure some predictions for 2014.
First of all, I predict the winter will be long and cold.  Spring will be almost non-existent and next summer will be sweltering hot followed by a mild early fall followed by a snownado in Northern Michigan.  There will also be a yettinado but, that will be up in Canada so no one really cares except for the guy that still live there.

I predict the Republicans will completely control all governmental offices after the 2014 election; except for the office of President of the U.S.  The winner of that election will be a member of the Peabody Party.  That's the party made up of fans of the old "Peabody and Sherman" cartoons.   They believe the best way to change government is to go back in time and interfere with some well documented historical event. I suppose if a Peabody member wanted to get rid of the Tea Party they'd just go back in time and snitch to the British about the planned destruction of private property in Boston Harbor by a group of white men dressed up like Native Americans.  

The economy will tinker along in 2014.  Ginger-snaps will be the new sensation on the Internet.  I'm not sure what they'll be doing on the Internet but, I think I'm going to eat some since they sound pretty good right now.  Clothing stores and manufacturers will be going out of business in droves in 2014 when a new pragmatic approach to dress design is adopted by the general public.  The design style will be called "naked"  and everyone in the U.S. will quickly adopt it.  It seems that people will realize that for hundreds of years they've been paying for cloths when they could get by not paying for any clothing  and just walk around in the suit of cloths they were born in.  Personally, there are a lot of people living in my trailer park that I would buy cloths for just so I wouldn't have to see them in the buff.