By Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel
Assistant Associate Contributing Psychic,
Humor News Nuts Online Publications
Well, the Fourth of July is coming up this weekend and I predict that it will be spectacular. The bands, parades, fireworks and airshows will be the best we've ever had up here in Northern Michigan. And, I also predict that there will be fewer shark attacks and cases of swimmer's itch this year than what we’ve had in recent years. There will still be problems with jitterbugs this year however, I've always found that drinking a couple of glasses of wine usually make those pesky jitterbugs completely go away. And of course, drinking additional glasses of wine will also make all the nasty spiders stop crawling all over your skin. So, stock up at your favorite winery in Northern Michigan and you can save a fortune on sprays and repellents.
Overall, the Fourth of July looks fantastic however, later on in July I predict a really serious problem will literally begin eating away at our tourist industry. You see we have a new problem that I predict will come to light shortly. I predict that problem will be an infestation of carnivorous sunfish that will begin eating first area beach balls and then as the fish get bigger; these fish will start to consume area swimmers.
This new species of flesh eating sunfish will be created by area scientist who is at this very moment crossing pumpkin seed sunfish DNA with DNA taken from a moon monster that was captured on the secret Apollo 31 moon mission. Now, most of you don't know that the Apollo 31 mission took place in December 2015 and the return of Apollo 31 capsule with the captured moon monster was a very popular Christmas special on the "Dark Web."
Well, for now I have to go. I have to camp outside tonight because I’m fumigating my trailer to get rid of those pesky bedbugs. It seems that no matter how much wine I drink those dog gone bedbugs just won't go away like the spiders and jitterbugs.
Anyway, have a happy Fourth of July and watch out for those man eating sunfish that are coming later on this month.