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Thursday, December 1, 2016

MADAM MERKEL REMEMBERS CHRISTMAS MORNINGS BEFORE HER DAD RAN OFF WITH AUNT PHYLLIS

by Madam Mystic Misty (Murky) Merkel
Associate Writer
Humor News Nuts Publications

Well, it's December and the holidays are upon us.  My family always celebrated Christmas although we didn't know much about it except kids were supposed to get presents Christmas morning and on Christmas day there was always some sort of Christmas dinner; usually canned ham along with some potatoes and beans. 

Dinner wasn't what the kids looked forward to but instead; it was opening of the presents that Santa had brought us the night before.  Back then I used to get good stuff but, now I just get a lump of coal each year.  I won't go into the reasons I just get a lump of coal but, pretty much everyone I associate with only gets a lump of coal from Santa each year.  It seems that either Santa’s standard for whom gets presents is really high or I and people I associate with have standards that are really low. 

One good thing about just getting a lump of coal in my stocking is that I can just leave my stocking on the outside doorknob because no one is going to bother stealing a lump of coal.  Otherwise, if Santa had to climb down my stovepipe I would have to not start a fire in my wood-stove and that would lead to disaster.  Now, I could probably keep personally warm with just a space heater and some extra blankets but, trying to keep my plastic pipes running to the sink and toilet from freezing and breaking would be quite a trick.  No one living in a trailer in Northern Michigan can go long without their wood-stove unless of course they are rich enough to afford kerosene for a kerosene heater.  

Now, when I was a kid Santa always brought my sisters and me a broken candy cane and a coloring book along with a single box of crayons for all of us.  I asked my dad why the candy canes were always broken and why Santa only brought us a single box of crayons.  My dad replied that because the stovepipe was so narrow that Santa broke the candy canes on the way down.  My dad also said that Santa brought us girls just a single box of crayons because Santa wanted us to learn how to share.  Of course, whatever Santa did was o.k. by us kids and we did learn to share the crayons.  We just broke each crayon into three parts and we each got our own set of crayons that way.               


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