BLING IS THE THING TO MAKE THE SPIRITS SING

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Markel
Associate Contributor
Humor News Nuts Online Publications

I can't stress enough the need to wear lots of bling for good luck. I wear rings on all my fingers and toes. I also have bracelets from my wrist to my elbow. And why wear earrings if they don't dangle down to your shoulders. Of course most of my bling is gold. I mean it's gold colored not real gold. I buy my stuff at rummage sales. In order to get real gold you have to go to one of those fancy pawn shop type stores. Who has the money for that?

Anyway, the spirits don't seem to mind. Just like my boyfriends, spirits don't know gold from the hole in the ground they crawled out of. Yesterday I had four different spirits stop in just to find out when I got my cat's eye ring. That's a cat's eye stone on a ring for my finger and not a ring through my eyeball. I'm not going to get pierced all over like the teenagers do now days. It's bad enough I got a tattoo that says "I Love Wally" tattooed on the back of my neck. Wally has been dead for 18 years and the ladies at the hair salon ask me how's Wally doing?". It just brings back sad memories.

Anyway, I went to the casino last week and won a hundred bucks on the slot machines. My bling was making the spirits sing because I parlayed my hundred bucks into a one hundred and fifteen bucks on the black jack table. I only wished I had some ponies to bet on. Wally and I used to go to the track and bet on the ponies. He bet on ponies and was a jockey at the same time. He always had me bet everything on a horse he was not ridding and sure enough, Wally never rode a winning horse but, we made lots of money. Funny how he knew the horse he rode would never win. I guess he was physic too. Not so physic though to know he would be thrown off a horse named Evil Knockers. Poor Wally had his head split open like a watermelon on the 4th of July.

Anyway, wear lots of bling and you'll hear those spirits sing. At least you'll hear those slot machines sing and quarters ding. I must have written 500 words by now so I can quit and hang out with my bling at the beach.
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AUGUST PREDICTIONS

PREDICTIONS FOR AUGUST
By Madam Misty Merkel
Psychic

August will start out cold and get warmer. Lots of storms will scare the heck out of people but, no one should worry. In August, only a couple of people will be hit by lightning each day. If you don’t want to get hit by lightning, don’t go outside or use the copper plumbing. In fact, avoid any and all copper. If you know what’s good for you then, you will empty out those pennies out of your back pocket. If you don’t and you go outside in a lightning storm, you may learn the meaning of the term “rump roast”.

The stock market will take off and the DJIA will hit 24000 (whatever that means). I just report what the spirits tell me so enough with the questions. I really don’t know what I’m talking about when it comes to the economy. I can’t even write out a check. I use money orders. By the way, gas prices are going up along with unemployment and your rent.

The new GI JOE movie will be a big hit next month with District 9 movie also, getting the kids into the theaters. Television will stink since there will be mostly just a bunch of reruns until September. I still haven’t figured out how to set up my digital converter box to bring in a television signal. Even after wrapping my antenna with a box of aluminum foil, all I get is static. I guess I’ll just watch my Magnum PI video tapes. I like Magnum and besides, my Magnum tapes were the only ones that survived my trailer house fire.

What fire you might ask. Well, it was the fire that was started when I was conducting a séance. My dog has bladder and a large intestine control problems so, I have newspapers covering my entire floor. When my dog spooked my friend by running under her feet during the séance, my friend knocked the candles over and they rolled off the table and started the newspapers on fire. The fire roared through the trailer but luckily, it was raining outside and the leaky roof was just like having a sprinkler system inside my house.

I’m glad I did not loose my trailer. I just lost my house downtown because I was unable to pay the mortgage. The dating service I was running, like many small businesses, fell on bad economic times this year. I had several employees working for me and now they are all out on the streets. I’m just glad I have this psychic business to fall back on. I'm thinking about getting a tanning bed and maybe taking up a trade like body piercing or tattooing. My psychic business may not seem to be as legitimate as my old business but, it pays the electric bill each month. If it did not, I would not be able to watch Magnum PI on video cassette.

PREDICTIONS FOR JULY

PREDICTIONS FOR JULY: WILL THE OBAMA’S BE UNFAITHFUL?
By Madam Misty Merkle
Psychic Mistress

Today, before going to bed, I downed some lemon shooters until about 10:00 A.M. Then I starred into the eyes of my mystic Petoskey stone and noticed the eyes were starring back. I heard a dog bark, a cackle cackled then, suddenly, a premonition started to be visible. It seems the President is going to be unfaithful. In addition, his wife will be unfaithful. His kids are going to be unfaithful. They will all be unfaithful to their little puppy Bo.

In front of the press and the cameras, the Obama family will for a while, pretend to be all lovey dovey with their new little dog. But, behind the closed White House doors, little Bo will be locked up in the kitchen while the real love of the Obama household is allowed the run of the executive mansion.

It seems that while Bo is prancing around chasing the President on the North Side of the White House, a little kitty cat named Spanky will sneak through the fence and past the White House guards. The little kitty will immediately go up to the Obama Bedroom where she will make herself at home by curling up on President Obama’s pillow. It seems this kitty cat has a penchant for going after only the most rich and powerful people on earth. Boris Yeltsin, Andy Rooney and Larry King are just some of this furry teases past owners (victims).

What a home wrecker this kitty cat will be. I predict that sooner or later, Spanky will come out of the closet (bedroom to be exact) and take over the lime light from poor, little Bo. Just as Prince Charles couldn't keep his love of Camella Parker a secret, the Obama family will not be able to keep their love for Spanky secret.

And what will happen to poor little Bo? I predict he will suffer an horrific fate. Bo will be sent home with Vice President Joe Biden. Vice President Biden is a nice man but, he will regale poor little Bo both day and night with the Vice Presidents memories of growing up with his working class family. If the Vice President is going to tell stories of his youth he needs to take some lessons from Bill Cosby of somebody. Tell us about Fat Albert or, to keep us women's advocates happy tell us about your friend Fat Alberta.

It could be worse for poor little Bo. He could be sent home with former Vice President Al Gore and have to listen to speeches on climate change day and night. Bo is a puppy Mr. Vice President. The only climate change a puppy knows is inside and outside. Of course none of this has to come to pass. I hope little Bo is reading this. Just plant some cat nip over at the Vice President's mansion. Spanky will then go right for Vice President Joe Biden. Under the spell of cat nip, Spanky won't even hear the extensive stories of the Vice President.

I do have one more prediction. I predict that three men will go out on Lake Michigan in search of a monster. They will be in search of the great white monster that will bring terror to swimmers. I predict things will end badly for these three men and, the monster will not be caught. Maybe I’m just remembering something from a long time ago? Or is it De-ja-vous. Anyway, it’s high noon and long past my nappy time.

Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen Will Be Outstanding

By Mike Collin

When I found out there was going to be a new Transformers movie, don't tell anyone but, I wet myself. This movie I predict, will be an outstanding mega hit this summer. I just wish my brother hadn't sold my Optimus Prime action figure on EBay.

I predict that all the great babes in Hollywood will go to see this movie including, my brother Tim's favorite classic dish, Sirgorney Weaver. Tim was really moved by the movie "Alien" when he was six years old. Since then, he hasn't missed any alien movies including the one with the new really cute alien hunting chick in it called "Alien VS Predator". Everyone digs an alien hunting chick. They make all us guys feel safe.

My mind kind of draws a blank when trying to foretell how much money this movie is going to make but, I'm holding Madam Misty's Petoskey stone and it is giving me vibes like the movie is going to make over a million dollars. You can quote me on that. By the way, I'm taking over for Madam Misty for a couple of days while she visits her sisters Twisty and Christy.

I predict the summer is going to be really hot but, not as hot as the new Transformer movie. I wonder what happened to my Megatron action figure? I bet my brother sold that one too.

NEW STAR TREK MOVIE WILL DECLAW WOLVERRINE

I am Mike Collin, brother of the guys that run "Humor News Nuts" and they let me write for free for their publications. I'm not really too much of a physic but, I did have Attention Deficit Disorder until I quit high school. I din't quit high school because of ADD. Actually, I didn't quit at all. I was sort of made to leave after I mooned the enemy side during a homecoming football game. I thought I did the right thing but, I was told I did the wrong thing by the school board. Right and wrong? It's all according to perspective I say.

Anyway, I'm writing here because of a dream I had last night. From watching lots of movies I've learned that in fantasy/SF, dreams are more important than reality. I guess that's why people always say you should follow your dreams (unless your dream is to moon the other side during a homecoming football game). My dream was that the new Star Trek movie will kick bass (I'm allowed to say bass not the other word that rhymes with bass), when compared with the new X-Men movie. Don't get me wrong. I think Wolverine kicks nut (nut I can say. The other word that rhymes with nut I can't say according to the sensors).

I think the new Star Trek movie will kick bass and nut. I know a lot of people don't like remakes but, come one!!! But, this is going back to the original Star Trek with Captain Kirk, Spock, Bones and the rest. These were the best of times (originality and writing) and the worst of times (cartoonish special effects and really bad hair pieces). How can anything be better than the original than the original with new stuff. I will miss the Ohura fan dance. I won't give details to the the new movie away. Especially, since I haven't seen the new Star Trek movie and have no contacts in Hollywood. In short, I don't know what I'm talking about except that I love Star Trek and my dreams tell me that Star Trek will be the biggest movie of the summer season. Also, the fan dance will be sheik at all the most popular clubs. I know I'm practicing the fan dance for a summer of fun among the important people at the best clubs.