I CONTACTED MARS FOR HALLOWEEN

My Conversation With Ludwig The Martian

by Psychic Madam Mystic Misty Murky Merkel

Well, now the frost is on the foliage and there's a real nip in the air.  The leaves are turning color and the squirrels are trying to gnaw their way into my trailer.  All these signs point to fall and with fall comes the time when the souls of the departed wander aimlessly through my trailer park.  Unfortunately, most of these former personages usually end up at my door wanting me to impart to their living kith and kin certain information that the departed neglected to pass on before they passed on.  Some of the information involves finances such as regarding lost wills, buried treasures or, matters not so important like maybe something as mundane as to how to start the Chevy while in third gear or some family recipe for mincemeat that was never written down or passed on orally.   Of course, since the dead don't have any money it really is not profitable for me to use my gift to help their loved ones and, I don't run a charity here.  I have to make a living selling myself to those with cash.  Hence, because of all the bother from deadbeat deadsters I don't really look forward to Halloween anymore.

Of course my readers are a different matter.  I don't really make any money blogging about my psychic talents however, there is always the potential someone will take a commercial interest in my abilities and hire my abilities at what I hope would be premium prices.  So, for my many readers and potential benefactors I've planned something special to celebrate Halloween this year.  It has to do with the recent discovery of water on mars.  You see, since there is water on mars it only stands to reason deductively that there must also be intelligent life on the planet so, I decided to use my abilities to contact the Martians this year as sort of my Halloween treat for my dedicated readers and potential employers.

Now, in order to contact Mars I had to rely on my Petoskey stone.   The reason I used a Petoskey stone is because Northern Michigan and Mars are the only two places in the galaxy where you can find a Petoskey stone and since Petoskey stones are psychic mediums I figured I would be able to contact a Martian who was in possession of or vicinity of a Petoskey stone.  And so, I proceeded drinking a bottle of wine and going into a trance while rubbing a nicely polished Petoskey stone in between my fingers.

Well, it wasn’t long before I made contact with Mars.  In fact, it was with a Martian named Ludwig.  "Hello Ludwig," I called out across millions of miles of space.   "Don't be alarmed.  I'm Psychic Madam Merkel calling out to you from planet earth.  I can sense you are not human and I believe your name is Ludwig, am I correct."

A few moments passed.  I imagined the alien creature might have been a bit shocked hearing from someone from another world.  "Hi madam Merkel," a voice deep within my head responded.  "I am on planet mars and my name is Ludwig.  I was just polishing my Petoskey stone and thinking about visiting earth."

"Visiting Earth?" I said.  "Why would you be visiting earth?"

"Well Madam Misty, I'm out of cigarettes.  You wouldn't happen to have any cigarettes on you?"

“No, I don't have any cigarettes,” I said. "Cigarettes aren't good for you so I don't smoke them."

"Then, do you have any beer," Ludwig asked. 

"No I don't have any beer," I replied.  "I can't drink beer because it gives me gas.  I drink only wine and liqueur and I only drink them because they help to put me in a trance so I can contact spirits."

"That's too bad," Ludwig commented in a dejected voice.  "I need a smoke really bad.  I guess I'll have to go to earth and pick up some smokes and beer."

I said, "Since you’re going to come to earth then you must have space travel technology."    

Nah; we don't have any spaceships or any technology at all. We just have rocks.  That's all we've got here.  A guy recently discovered water here but, no one knows what to do with it.  It's really weird stuff.  First it's hard then, it's soft, it's hot, it's cold.  Like I said, it doesn’t seem to be good for much but maybe we can sell it to tourists as a souvenir or something.   I really don't know but, I do need to get to earth to get some cigarettes."

"Well, if you don't have spaceships how are you going to get here?" I asked.

"I’ll just hitch a ride from some passersby’s.   I just have to climb up a mountain and stick out my yozi and someone will stop."    

   

"So you just hitchhike from planet mars onboard some spaceship from another world.  And, you stick out your "yozi."  So, what's a yozi anyway?  Is it like the human thumb that we humans use to get a ride?"

Artist Concept:  Martian uses yozi to hitchhike to earth.

“It’s not like a thumb,” Ludwig responded, “A yozi is the only appendage that we Martians have.  I know you earth people have all kinds of things sticking out of you: you have arms and legs and those long gnarly things that are on the ends of your arms that you stick up your nose to clean it out.  By the way, that habit of yours is really gross.  I would never stick my yozi up my nose of course; I don't have a nose; all I have is a yozi."

"That seems pretty odd," I commented, "What can you do with just a yozi?"

"We do everything with our Yozi," Ludwig replied.  "We hop around on our yozi, we shoot hoops with our yozi and we play tetherball with our yozi.  Of course the Martian with the longest yozi usually wins at tetherball but hey, it's still our major sporting event and it’s one where every Martian can show off his or her prowess with his or her yozi.  And finally, the best thing that we do is we cuddle with our yozi.  It’s pretty hard to cuddle if you don't have a yozi.  Of course you humans couldn't know anything about cuddling since you always have your fingers up your nose and who'd want to cuddle with you anyway after you've been digging away up your nose all day." 

I began to become afraid that Ludwig was taking me into some deep dark places that I and my readers did not want to go so; I decided to end the conversation.  "Well, Ludwig," I said," I hope you can catch a ride to earth so you can get some cigarettes and beer.  I'm going to have to be going now since the wine I drank is wearing off and I'm starting to come out our my psychic trance but, before I go I just want to wish you and all my readers a Happy Halloween."

Then Ludwig said “And, a Happy Halloween to you Madam Merkel and to all the peoples of earth.  I just wish I had some cigarettes."     

2017 PREDICTIONS AND RHUBARB PIE

Plutonian Arrives On Earth

By Psychic Mystic Misty Murky Merkel

Associate Contributor

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Well, 2017 is here and I predict it will be a year to forget for many of us.  However, 2017 will be a tale of two lifestyles.  It will be a year of great misery, cruelty and insufferable poverty.  It will be a year of great gains in wealth, income, and unimaginable fame.  Of course I'm talking about the annual rhubarb pie eating contest held on the river ice in February.  The winner of the contest gets a brand new pie pan, a roll of old copper pennies and winner also gets their picture posted on the trailer park office door.  The losers all get pushed into the river.  Of course the runner up wins the option of wearing a life jacket when they go in the drink.  Problem for the runner up is that the life jacket doesn't give you much help if you wash down the river two miles while under the ice.   

Many of you might be thinking that it might be dangerous for the loser participants in the pie eating contest and that many of those contestants might wash down river and never be found.  Of course, it is dangerous to wash down river in the winter but, every contestant has always been recovered.  The sheriff uses dogs and usually finds the contestants in the spring right after the ice melts off.  

Besides my prediction of the rhubarb pie eating contest (I also think little Joe Mutter will win again this year) the financial markets will be unimaginably volatile most of the year.  Personally, I've been hording acorns to get me through the rough times ahead.  Acorns are a great commodity to hold and trade. There is always a ready market in acorns since squirrels are usually willing to trade dried birdfeeder corn for acorns and acorns are useful for baking.  Acorns also make excellent ammo for hunting with a slingshot.  My late husband and I went bear hunting once with acorns luckily, I got away.  My late husband ended up in a pile of bear scat.  One bit of luck that came from that hunt was that I saved a ton of money on final expenses and got some really great fertilizer for around my lilac bushes.  Now, every time the lilacs bloom in the spring I remember my late husband.  Sort of romantic isn’t it. 

My last bit of information is a warning:  watch out for natives of the planet Pluto.  They want to move to earth where it’s warmer and by the end of this year they will control most governments on earth.  They will also control most candy bar vending machines. Personally, the Pluto invaders can have the governments but, they’re inviting a revolt if they raise the prices in our candy bar vending machines.  Just so the invaders from Pluto know, I have a friend on mars.