NOVEMBER GOES OUT LIKE A TURKEY
by Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Associated Writer Humor News Nuts
Well, it's November and I predict that pets and their people companions are going to have a really interesting month. I want to take this opportunity to give a shout-out to four new visitors to my website last month. Danny Dewberry and his three pet crows spent a record three minutes on my website before moving on to YouTube. It seems Danny has very slow motor skills and has problems manipulating his mouse. That might be the reason he ended up on my website and stayed so long but hey, we'll take new visitors anyway we can.
I know who Danny is because he lives on the other side of my trailer-park and drinks bottles of ketchup like they are pop. Now, poor Danny is disabled and lives on SSI. Danny can't work because he suffers from a disease that causes his middle fingers to fly up at everyone he sees. It's very embarrassing and the poor man can't control himself. Of course Danny can't find employment because he just can't overcome his disability during job interviews. I've heard that his fingers are especially active at popping up and down while sitting across the table from a prospective employer.
Danny's neighbor tells me that Danny has been trying medicinal herbs to keep his finger from popping up and also to get his birds to calm down. Danny claims his birds have a "bipolar" disorder. Not everyone believes Danny needs to possess and use medicinal herbs and the state police have raided his trailer twice in the last six months but, I guess he has a good lawyer so, the police pretty much let him alone now. It's hard to believe he got a descent lawyer from the public defenders office but, I guess he's proof that such professionals do exist.
Getting back to predictions: I predict that November's weather will come in like a lamb and go out like a turkey. And, by turkey I am of course referring to Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a time in America when whole families get together and, once they've had enough of each other they decide to make other plans for Christmas. After last thanksgiving I believe my family won't be getting together for the next ten Holiday seasons. My aunt made everyone pay to use the toilet and only allowed each person to use four sheets of toilet paper. It seems my aunt is a real psycho when it comes to overusing her septic tank. She is paranoid that the smell is going to backup into her trailer. But you know what, after smelling her cooking for several hours a good whiff of septic slurry would be a relief to your olfactory glands. And of course, her cooking tastes worse than it smells.
Getting back to predictions once again: I am also predicting that a noted local Northern Michigan ET investigator will reveal that the large meteor explosion over Russia last Winter was in fact an exploding spacecraft. This investigator will reveal that an alien rat sacrificed it's spaceship in order to save planet earth from eminent doom. My old friend President Nixon has told me that an evil space-monkey on board Voyager 1 was trying to destroy the earth by aiming an asteroid at it. Of course, if this all proves to be true then maybe I'll have to get rid of my rat traps that I have spread out underneath my trailer. If rats are now smart enough to build spaceships then, they probably won't get caught in any of my traps. I'm just wasting government cheese. I don't know what you think about the taste of government cheese but, it don't taste too bad if you chase it down with a bottle of Mogen David.
OUTHOUSE PHILOSOPHY - As they gaze out their outhouse portal, Many people dream of being immortal, But, a firm rap on the door, And, you wish you could stay more, And, knowing you...
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