THE HAUNTED SEPTIC TANK

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Paranormal Associate Investigator
Humor News Nuts Publications

My girlfriend Naomi lives just down the road from my trailer park. She lives in an older modular home but, it is on her own lot complete with a well and septic. When she first moved into her home 20 years ago the plumbing didn’t work and she had to use an outhouse. Of course it was not long before big government came along and made he dig a hole for a septic tank and field. It cost a bundle to have indoor plumbing so she had to become a working girl again. She got jobs at bars and did whatever she could on the side to pay for her plumbing.

One day she called me up and insisted that I come over to her house right away. She did not explain to me on the phone what the problem was but, as soon as got to her place I immediately detected a horrible fowl odor that literally brought tears to my eyes and my lunch up to my mouth. After loosing my lunch on the front lawn I felt a little better. My eyes burning and I even started to get a nose bleed. Finally, I managed to make it to the door and pounded on it until Naomi let me inside. I was sure that once inside the house I would not smell the foul vapors but, the stench was even stronger inside the house.

“I’m sorry Naomi,” I said “but, this place really stinks.”

“I know,” responded my chubby pale faced friend. “It’s my septic tank. All kinds of foul smells are bubbling up from the pipes along with oozy smelly goop. There are also all kinds of strange gurgling sounds. I think my septic tank is haunted and I need you to use your psychic powers to perform some sort of exorcism. The neighbors are already complaining about the smells and I’m afraid they’re going to call the county on me again. The last time the county came out they made me put in a septic tank. This time they’ll probably want me to hook up to the sewer line they ran past my house last year. I’m not made of money like British Petroleum. I can’t afford to do anything about my stuff draining into other people’s yards. And, I can’t help it if the Sweeny’s next door have their kids sand box and their swimming pool near my septic field. You’d think they’d be happy that my seepage stuff is giving them the best vegetable garden they have ever had. You should see the size of their tomatoes. I believe their potatoes and radishes have never had such green leaves.”

After inspecting all the places where the ooze was coming to the surface of the ground and backing up the pipes in the sinks, bath and laundry tub, I immediate knew what had to be done. I asked Naomi for fifty bucks to cover my ghost buster fee. I took out my two best Petoskey stones from my purse and rubbed them together saying three times “give up the ghost septic tank, give up the ghost septic tank, and give up the ghost septic tank.” I then told Naomi to light up scented candles throughout the house from now on.

Naomi followed my advice and reported back to me that the scented candles really did make the house smell better. Unfortunately, the septic sewage kept oozing up and the county health department was soon over there advising Naomi that she needed to connect up to the sewer which would cost her about ten thousand dollars. She got mad at me but, I told her the fifty bucks was not refundable because I did at least make her house smell better. She still does not speak to me. Oh well, she no longer has time to hang out with me since she had to get a couple of more jobs to pay for her sewer line hook-up.