MY PARENTS TOLD ME MY FAMILY STORY

 By Mystic, Psychic, Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Temporary Part-Time Associate Guest Contributing Writer 

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Today, I was going to go into detail about how the world ends, but I decided to tell you the story handed to me by my parents, about how my family came to America.

My parents told me that they came to planet earth, by jumping off an invisible mountain that floats over the planet.  They said they landed on a 747 and hung on tight, until the airplane landed in Cleveland.  Ma was pregnant with my two sisters and myself.  That means she had a baby in all three of her wombs.  With such a harrowing experience, you'd think dad would have carried at least one of the babies in one of his wombs, but he didn't.  Typical man. They're all the same, no matter what their species.

My parents ordeal was not quite over.  They had to find a way into Michigan, so their kids could be Michiganders.  My parents figured that the parents of children born in Michigan would be allowed to stay with their kids, and not be deported back to Ohio.  

My parents got into Michigan by stealing a few ears of field corn from a nearby field, and bribing the border guards on the Ohio side to let my parents leave.  It worked.  I and my sisters were born in Michigan. Because we were anchor babies, my parents got to stay with us in Michigan.  Yeah!

Soon three little girls came out of ma's wombs.  Christie was the first born, then myself, Misty, then my sister Twisty was born.  Twisty got her name because she came out all twisted up.  Her arms were where her legs should be, her head was stuffed up somewhere.  She was just a mess until a nurse stepped up and volunteered to fix my little sister.  The nurse said he was a Rubik's Cube champion and within minutes, Twisty was all fixed and was a perfect little space alien girl. So said my dad.  

Well, now that the world is going to end, my parents are trying to find a way back to their flying invisible, untraceable, undetectable mountain.  First they have to locate the mountain.  Next they have to find a way for our whole family to get back there.  The mountain floats all over, so it could be anywhere.  

I'm not sure if just being on the mountain offers any protection from the coming destruction of earth.  The mountain floats only a few miles off the ground and my people live on the outside of the mountain.  Inside might be much safer, but that may be occupied by super smart beings, unrelated to my surface people.  In fact, the government people who came to see me after I did a DNA blood test, told me that my species were more likely just parasites living for free off the brains, and hard work of superior beings living inside the mountain.

To that I say, it is better to live as a parasite on a floating mountain, than end up like earth people will, in the near future. 

So much for my family history.  Now, I've got to find some clients with money.  I need to buy a new toilet and a floor to put under it.  It will be at least a $600 project. That's going to take a lot of talking to peoples deceased pets and relatives.

THE WINNER OF THE 2024 ELECTION IS ?

Madam Psychic Mystic Merkel

Associate Contributor,

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

People keep bothering me about "when is the world going to end?", and " who will will the 2024 presidential election in the America.  Well, I still have contrasting results for the end of the world question.  My 2 Petoskey stones say one thing, but my 2 crystal balls say something else. One of my balls is cracked, so that might be the problem. It's hard to get a steady stream and function with a cracked ball.

With regard to who will be sitting as President of the USA a year from now, I have literally received an answer from beyond the grave. 

In 2016, I predicted that Trump would be President, but only after I died, was reincarnated as an amoeba, had dog pee on me, and was resurrected by a rodent.

This year I did not feel like going through any of that.  Luckily I won't have to.

Last evening, I received a knock on my door.  I answered it and found a disturbing looking man, I would describe as right out of the grave and one of the walking dead. 

He smelled like he had not changed his underpants in the last 30 days, which was not unusual for people living in my trailer park, however he did have an eyeball that kept falling out, and he had to keep stuffing it into place. 

"Are you Madam Merkel?" the old sod asked.

"That would be me", I said.

" I have a message from beyond the grave regarding the US. presidential election", said the smelly dude.  "Trump will assume to be president by this time next year."

"So,that's that," I said to smelly guy.  I was not going to invite him into my trailer because he smelled, Was dressed in decaying clothes, and reminded me too much of my 4th husband.  So, I gave him a piece of cheese and sent him on his way.  I guess the next presidency is settled, unless that guy was just one of those hobos who live homeless down by the river, eating garbage flowing past.

At least now I can put political stuff behind me, and can concentrate on if the world is going to end soon. A trip to the gas station for some wine, may answer that question.