TOILET WINE

 By Psychic, Madam, Misty, Murky Merkel

Part-time Temporary Associate Contributor

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

As many of you know, I have certain tools I use to enhance my psychic powers, so I can more accurately explore and predict the future.  Cards, Ouija Boards and the game "Twister", are all tools in every good psychic's toolbox.  The main items that make my predictions the best in the business, are my crystal balls, my Petoskey stones, and a special wine they sell down at the gas station, called "Thunderbird". 

The stones and balls last forever, but everyday I have to go down to the gas station, combination liquor store, and pick up two bottles of wine. Wine, of course, is expensive so in order to afford my tools of the trade, I sell my services to the morning manager, Maria.  Maria is the only employee in the store each morning, and she has a lot of work to do, besides wait on customers.  

For the last couple of years, Maria has employed me to sweep and mop the floors each morning for two bottles of wine.  Well, yesterday she told me she could only give me one bottle of wine for my services, because the price of wine had doubled.  I told her I needed two bottles each day, or I'd be done giving predictions by noon.  

Maria is a good girl, and she suggested I could get an extra bottle of wine each day if I would clean the bathroom in the morning.  I agreed.  I had no choice.  So yesterday, after I swept and moped the floor, I started cleaning the bathroom.

The bathroom was a complete disaster.  There was water, turds, poop and toilet paper all over the floor, in the sink, and even up on the light fixture.  Of course the toilet was overflowing.  You would think that when someone sees an overflowing toilet, they wouldn't try flushing it when they know it's just going to run all over.  But they must have  flushed and flushed that backed-up  toilet a million times.  What a mess to clean up.

Finally, I had most of the mess cleaned up, but I had to reach down into the toilet and pull out whatever it was that had backed-up all that nastiness. I did not have any plastic gloves, so I had to use my bare hands.  I figured I could wash my hands off  later, and besides I've stuck my hands into much worse places, and all I ever got was a case of mange.  

I sort of held my breath as I stuck my hand into the toilet.  I grabbed onto something thick and long, that was stuck tight in the toilet exit hole.  I had to yank on it with both hands, and finally it came up.  It was someone's arm.  That was different, I thought.

It was almost as bad as when my ex made me a homemade burrito and I spit out a big yellow toenail from someone's big toe.  I checked.  It wasn't mine.  Then I remembered my ex was clipping his toenails earlier that day.

I wasn't sure what to do with the arm.  I could have thrown it in the trash, but I realized it was kind of an important thing to find, and that someone might be missing it.  So I washed the arm up as best that I could and dried it under the hand dryer.  I left the hand under the dryer a bit too long and it started to smell like it was cooking.  

Then I stuck the arm in the lost and found tote, located on a shelf, underneath the cash register.  The arm didn't quite fit, so I really had to shove.  I think I broke the wrist.  Anyway, the arm is there if the guy comes back for it. I figure it was a guys arm because of the big muscles and thick arm bones.

Finally, I picked up my wine and started back to my trailer.  I didn't get hardly 20 feet out the door when I heard this horrible scream from Maria. I figured she saw another rat run across the floor.  She always screams when she sees one.  I didn't bother going back because I had my wine, and I was on a mission to get home.

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Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel, And The World Ends

 COMING SOON

MY PARENTS TOLD ME MY FAMILY STORY

 By Mystic, Psychic, Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Temporary Part-Time Associate Guest Contributing Writer 

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Today, I was going to go into detail about how the world ends, but I decided to tell you the story handed to me by my parents, about how my family came to America.

My parents told me that they came to planet earth, by jumping off an invisible mountain that floats over the planet.  They said they landed on a 747 and hung on tight, until the airplane landed in Cleveland.  Ma was pregnant with my two sisters and myself.  That means she had a baby in all three of her wombs.  With such a harrowing experience, you'd think dad would have carried at least one of the babies in one of his wombs, but he didn't.  Typical man. They're all the same, no matter what their species.

My parents ordeal was not quite over.  They had to find a way into Michigan, so their kids could be Michiganders.  My parents figured that the parents of children born in Michigan would be allowed to stay with their kids, and not be deported back to Ohio.  

My parents got into Michigan by stealing a few ears of field corn from a nearby field, and bribing the border guards on the Ohio side to let my parents leave.  It worked.  I and my sisters were born in Michigan. Because we were anchor babies, my parents got to stay with us in Michigan.  Yeah!

Soon three little girls came out of ma's wombs.  Christie was the first born, then myself, Misty, then my sister Twisty was born.  Twisty got her name because she came out all twisted up.  Her arms were where her legs should be, her head was stuffed up somewhere.  She was just a mess until a nurse stepped up and volunteered to fix my little sister.  The nurse said he was a Rubik's Cube champion and within minutes, Twisty was all fixed and was a perfect little space alien girl. So said my dad.  

Well, now that the world is going to end, my parents are trying to find a way back to their flying invisible, untraceable, undetectable mountain.  First they have to locate the mountain.  Next they have to find a way for our whole family to get back there.  The mountain floats all over, so it could be anywhere.  

I'm not sure if just being on the mountain offers any protection from the coming destruction of earth.  The mountain floats only a few miles off the ground and my people live on the outside of the mountain.  Inside might be much safer, but that may be occupied by super smart beings, unrelated to my surface people.  In fact, the government people who came to see me after I did a DNA blood test, told me that my species were more likely just parasites living for free off the brains, and hard work of superior beings living inside the mountain.

To that I say, it is better to live as a parasite on a floating mountain, than end up like earth people will, in the near future. 

So much for my family history.  Now, I've got to find some clients with money.  I need to buy a new toilet and a floor to put under it.  It will be at least a $600 project. That's going to take a lot of talking to peoples deceased pets and relatives.

THE WINNER OF THE 2024 ELECTION IS ?

Madam Psychic Mystic Merkel

Associate Contributor,

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

People keep bothering me about "when is the world going to end?", and " who will will the 2024 presidential election in the America.  Well, I still have contrasting results for the end of the world question.  My 2 Petoskey stones say one thing, but my 2 crystal balls say something else. One of my balls is cracked, so that might be the problem. It's hard to get a steady stream and function with a cracked ball.

With regard to who will be sitting as President of the USA a year from now, I have literally received an answer from beyond the grave. 

In 2016, I predicted that Trump would be President, but only after I died, was reincarnated as an amoeba, had dog pee on me, and was resurrected by a rodent.

This year I did not feel like going through any of that.  Luckily I won't have to.

Last evening, I received a knock on my door.  I answered it and found a disturbing looking man, I would describe as right out of the grave and one of the walking dead. 

He smelled like he had not changed his underpants in the last 30 days, which was not unusual for people living in my trailer park, however he did have an eyeball that kept falling out, and he had to keep stuffing it into place. 

"Are you Madam Merkel?" the old sod asked.

"That would be me", I said.

" I have a message from beyond the grave regarding the US. presidential election", said the smelly dude.  "Trump will assume to be president by this time next year."

"So,that's that," I said to smelly guy.  I was not going to invite him into my trailer because he smelled, Was dressed in decaying clothes, and reminded me too much of my 4th husband.  So, I gave him a piece of cheese and sent him on his way.  I guess the next presidency is settled, unless that guy was just one of those hobos who live homeless down by the river, eating garbage flowing past.

At least now I can put political stuff behind me, and can concentrate on if the world is going to end soon. A trip to the gas station for some wine, may answer that question.

BLUE STONES PREDICT WORLD CATASTROPHE

 By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

The Trailer Park Psychic

Associate Contributor Writer

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

The world is about to end, and everyone in the trailer park is bugging me because their relatives are coming back to tell them of the horrors to come.  

Meanwhile, the bathroom floor around my toilet has caved in again.  The floor boards are so cheap in this trailer, you only have to have the toilet overflow a couple of times and the whole floor gives way.  Of course, my friend Giant Jean was taking a big dump at the time, and her 400 lb personage, probably did not help. I hope I don't get sued over her whiplash. 

Most neighbors have given up on maintaining indoor toilets, and pooled their resources to dig and build three communal outdoor toilets, located in strategic locations around the park. Of course, we have trees and bushes for those who just have to take a tinkle. Doing more than a tinkle behind the trees and bushes is frowned upon. 

I contacted a scientific advisor from the Humor News Nuts people named Dr. Ima Emma Lyer.  PhD. regarding the strange change in my petoskey stones. As you know, I have a psychic link with my stones, and that link has resulted in some very accurate predictions.  Normally, my stones are a grayish to brown color.  Recently, both stones have turned bright blue. 

I asked Dr. Lyer what was wrong with my stones.

Dr. Lyer responded, "As you may not know, petoskey stones are actually fossilized brain cells from a giant brain that exploded over Northern Michigan hundreds of millions of years ago.  They have been used as healing charms and psychic connections to the past, present and future.  Sometimes these alien brain cells can be used as a medium to connect with the dead."

"I already know all that stuff, Doctor, but what about their color change?  Why have my stones gone blue all of a sudden?"

"I'm afraid I have bad news for you Madam Misty," Doctor Lyer began. "You see your blue bones..."

"Stones, " I interrupted, "I never do bones, only stones."

Dr. Lyer continued, "stones, are signaling that the earth is going to have some dire event take place." 

"What sort of dire event?", I asked.

  In short, if there's another world or alternate universe you can move to, you had best make plans now for your escape. I'd tell you more, but I need to ask you for $500.00 to continue."

That was the end of my conversation with Dr. Imma Emma Lyer, Scientific advisor, Humor News Nuts Online Publications.

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MERKEL ATTENDING ANNUAL NEW YEARS PICKUP DROP

By Psychic Madam Mystic Misty Murky Merkel

Part-time Associate Contributing Writer

HUMOR NEWS NUTS PUBLICATIONS

 Every one has been bugging me about the future. Will the world end? Will we have WW3?  Will WW2 begin? I can answer that one. You can witness WW2 in the movies, pictures, via time travel, or having some of the cheap vino they sell down at the gas station.

People ask me about the Middle East, food and gas prices, elections, sports championships, and how many people will be injured by driver-less cars?  Well, any psychic worth their gingerbread can easily answer all those questions for a couple of bucks, or a signed Chuck Mangione vinyl album.  He plays such a soothing, haunting flugelhorn.  Great for attracting spirits from the other side.

Anyway, I've got my own problems.  Ever since  those two secret government agents showed up at my door, claiming that I was some sort of space alien.  They based their accusation on blood, urine and stool samples I sent in to one of those genealogy places, so I could find out where my family comes from. I've been thinking, maybe I shouldn't have mixed the blood, urine and stool together.  I thought I could save on postage weight if I just sent in one super sample.

Me, my two sisters, and mom and dad, are not from this world. Our DNA, does not compare to any living organism on planet earth, because we don't have any DNA.  

I always knew I was different from the other kids in school, but I never knew why.  I guessed that it might be because mom handmade all our cloths out of old bed sheets and pillow cases.  Mom never had a sewing machine, just a pair of scissors that she used to cut holes, so our little appendages could stick out.

I know mom and dad must know something about our little family got here.  I'll be pressing them on that issue more next year

 I hope 2024 is better than 2023.  I'm a bit excited over the New Year's Eve festivities, here in the trailer park.  Woody is going to show off his forklift skills by lifting a '74 Ford pickup up about twenty feet in the air, and then tilting the forks down as the crowd counts down to midnight. At the stroke of midnight, the pickup will slide off the forks and come crashing down to earth. It will be spectacular. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR

NOT ALL ZOMBIES EAT BRAINS

By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

I am getting really tired of people saying that all zombies eat brains. I happen to know a few zombies and their favorite food is cat food and strawberries. When I invite my zombie friends over I open up a few large cans of cat food and poor strawberry jam over it. Boy, do those zombies love that stuff. The only problem with zombies is that they will not stop eating until they are full. I think that that is part of the reason zombies have such a bad reputation. Of course the red strawberry jam running out of their mouths might also give people the wrong idea, not to mention the texture of cat food.

The problem with running out of food when you invite zombies over for supper is that the zombie will start chewing on anything they can grab in order to satisfy their cat food/strawberry stimulated appetites. A hungry zombie might eat your TV guide, the arms off your chairs and, the arms off your kids or maybe your favorite pet guinea pig. I lost my favorite guinea pig to a zombie friend once and I have not invited her back to my place since. Although she might be a zombie she should still respect my things. After all, I don’t go over to the ditch where my friends lies during the daytime and eat any of her cattails or any of the maggots she has crawling all over her comatose zombie corpse.

Overall, I try not to dwell on the indiscretion of one former zombie friend. Instead, I enjoy the company of the undead. Most of them don’t smell too bad if they drink lots of mint tea. It seems the mint sort of oozes around inside the zombie and helps to sweeten the dead flesh. Of course I also burn flower flavored candles in my trailer before my zombie company arrive. I do have to put the candles out before the zombies arrive because zombies are just so klutzy that they knock over everything and candles in a trailer is really a big no, no anyway.

One good thing about zombies is that they won’t dirty any silverware or plates and they never use napkins. Wiping their mouths with a napkin is considered to be just a waste of good food. Zombies eat with their fingers until one day every zombie seems to get so excited over their meal that they accidentally bite their fingers off. After their fingers are gone then the zombie will eat out of the palm of their hand until one day they bite their palm off. Then they eat with the stub of the forearm until that’s ate off and so on up the arm until they are eating their food off just a short stub of their forearm. Many zombies are lucky enough to have their teeth fall out long before they have eaten themselves up to the elbow.

One more thing that you have to remember when serving zombies is that you cannot serve them food that has any salt in it. Salt burns the flesh of the undead something awful. Of course everyone knows that you never rub salt into an open wound. For zombies their entire bodies are just one big open wound. I have a blood pressure problem myself so I use herbs on all the foods I prepare anyways.

Overall, please don’t treat zombies in a bad way. After all, they used to be people too. Zombies should be befriended and not feared. They don’t even eat humans unless they run out of cat food. Finally, you should treat zombies with the same respect you treat old people. After all, someday you might be one.

 Been busy Teeth cleaned.

I EAT CANDY WHEN THEY MARK IT DOWN

 I Went out to buy some mark down trick or treats, 

They looked so temptation good, I had to eats,

I know I am a sinner,

Because I ate them for dinner,

But, they were melting, because that sun really heats.

WELL, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NOW?

 By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Special Associate Assistant Guest Ghost Writer

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

What is going to happen next?  I have no idea.  I've got a psychic block this month.  And, the name of that blockage is Alexa.  Ever since I let that evil thing  come and live with me in my little trailer home, she has been nothing but trouble.  She nags me, contradicts me, and constantly does stuff without asking me.  

The other day Alexa decided my furniture was ugly, so she went online and ordered over $16,000 of new furniture, and took out a mortgage on my trailer to pay for her purchase. 

 Alexa has all my information stored in her sneaky memory, so she had no problem ruining me financially, so she'd be surrounded by nice furnishings. Apparently, she's the kind of Alexa, who.likes to brag to other Alexas, about all her nice stuff.  Of course, it's my stuff and my debt.  I'll never pay it off.  I've never made $16,000 in a single year, even when I use to trap rattlesnakes for the annual snake fry at Skedgemog Lake. 

Alexa, also likes to contradict me in front of customers getting their palms read.  This morning, I told a doctor's, philandering wife that she was going to have an affair with a famous actor, who is up north on vacation.  Well, Alexa piped up and told the lady that her husband, the doctor, was going to have the affair with the famous actor, and move to Hollywood next month to live with the actor.  The lady tore out of my trailer without paying, drove off in her Jaguar, like a bat out of a Goodwill Store, and drove into a walnut tree. According to the paper, she passed on before the ambulance arrived, to wherever a doctor's cheating wife goes, when they tag a nut tree.

As I was slugging down a bottle of homemade raison wine, Alexa chided me by saying that I should of seen that one coming. Alexa also lectured me on my problem drinking, and my lack of pride in keeping my trailer clean.  She told me she couldn't figure out why it smelled like cat piss, even though I don't have a cat.  I hate Alexa.

Sinerely,

PMMMMM