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Sunday, August 30, 2009


By Madam Misty Merkel

September will be a tough month for the stock market but, it should end up higher than it did in August. The “Cash for Clunkers” government program was a big hit. Everyone in my trailer park has bought a new SUV which have really great gas mileage. Most of my neighbors have jobs working as cooks and dishwashers in the various restaurants around town. They figure they should have their new vehicles paid for in about 15 years.

The government will pass comprehensive health care reform which will rely mostly on faith healers and witch doctors in order to cut costs. The new program will rely heavily on preventive care. Everyone in America will receive a voucher for $25.00 to see the faith healer or witch doctor of their choice. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Hopefully, psychics will be included in the list of health care providers.

All the guys will still want to go to "District 9" movie that came out in August. "Julie and Julia" will be a popular chick flick but, Hollywood needs to come out with more chick flicks. The last movie I was talked into seeing with my girlfriends was “Borat”. That was no chick flick. I see enough violence at the trailer park on the weekends. When the guy next door and his girlfriend are shooting at each other with pump shotguns and deer rifles, it is just a little bit too exciting for me. Overall, they are pretty good neighbors. They always put their guns away by 1:00 a.m. and never start drinking and playing loud music until at least noon.

September will start out as a really hot month and will then cool off gradually. The prices of pizza and beer will continue to go up as more and more unemployed people suddenly become too lazy to cook. It’s like when people are unemployed they quit doing all the little chores they did when they were working. They don’t cook, they don’t do their laundry and they really let their looks go. I guess they figure that if they are unemployed, no one is going to want them. They’re probably right. I know I don’t want some unemployed bum lazing around drinking up my beer and eating all my pizza.

I have been getting bugged about the Lions football team. The only vibes the spirit world is giving me regarding the Lions is that they are unlikely to win very many games in the foreseeable future. I will have better news during hockey season.

I am going to predict that the “Humor News Nuts” blog will be blogging by Labor Day. Those guys that run it will finally get off their summer hiatus and start publishing again. I feel sorry for Mike who, works as a gofer for his brothers at “Humor News Nuts”. He’s had bad luck all summer.

First of all, he lost his real job. Then, he could not pay his share of the rent so his roomies tossed him out on the street. He just had too many fines to pay that he incurred while doing his research work No one told him he needed a fishing license in order to hunt down killer sharks in Lake Michigan. Poor Mike did not even know that there is a limit on how many bull frogs you can take for a frog leg fry. Finally, he has a huge medical bill because he picked and ate the wrong kind of mushrooms and had to have his stomach pumped.

I decided to cheer Mike up by predicting his future. I felt sure that whatever the prediction turned out to be it would still be better than his present life. How could it be any worse? So I sent Mike out to pick up three Petoskey stones out west of town. There’s an old gravel pit out there that used to be the dig site of some paleontologist. At least he was getting money to dig around out there.

The paleontologist had the theory that Petoskey stones are the remains of a giant, psychic brain that crashed into the earth 350 million years ago. Unfortunately, this scientist used all the money he received for the dig to simply live very well downtown at the Holiday Inn that’s right on the bay. He never went near the dig site until the feds started to investigate him. He never spent a dime on equipment or anything for the dig site. The only shovel he had was a broken one he found. I’m not really sure what happened after the feds arrested him. The guys that run “Humor News Nuts” want to make this paleontologist their scientific advisor if he does not have too long of a jail term. Maybe he can get some sort of work release program.

Mike came back from the pit with three really nice Petoskey stones. They all had lots of really nice eyes on them. The first stone I looked at closely was shaped like an arrowhead. The second stone was more heart shaped. The thrived stone had a crack running across it. After examining the stones, I could give Mike nothing but great news. I told Mike that the cracked stone meant that in the past he was broke and that the arrow shaped stone meant he would be up and coming in his personal finances situation. I further stated the heart shaped stone meant he would of course meet someone who would be significant to him romantically.

I ended my session with Mike by telling him all he had to do to pay me was to give me the three Petoskey stones. I figured that I could polish them up and get $30.00 each by selling them to the tourist. Next time I send someone out to pick up Petoskey stones I’ll have they bring back a lot more stones. Making big bucks off of each stone could finally make this physic business payoff. Maybe I might not have to do body piercing to make ends meet.

The kids will be going back to school so I'll finally get some peace and quiet in my TP (trailer park). There won't be any snow storms in September but, the flu season will keep a lot of kids home. I just hope the kids don't go into the stores and cough all over the cart handles. At times, those things are pretty nasty. Overall, September will be a mediocre month.

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The opinions and ideas expressed on this blog are those of the Psychic and not those of the Humor News Nuts organization.

HNS has a long tradition of associating with persons who have thought processes that are unusual and even weird. We pride ourselves in our diversity of persons with mental irregularities. This diversity allows us to cover stories that no other news organization will investigate let alone, ever put in print.

Tim Colin
HNS Senior Executive Editor-In-Chief

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