I GOT PROFILED IN ARIZONA

By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
I just got back from my trip to Vegas and I am still really annoyed. For one thing I ended up loosing all my gambling money within the first few minutes I was in Vegas. It is amazing how fast $100.00 goes at the craps table. Now I know why they call it the game of craps. It is called craps because when you’ve lost your entire life savings in just a few minutes you have to say “Oh Crap!” or, something much stronger like “Oh Phooey Sticks!” I was so mad think I used both expressions.

Since I lost all my money right away I was stuck in my room for three days watching TV. The TV was kind of a treat since I haven’t had any TV since the government switched over to that new digital broadcast system. That adaptor I bought with my $50.00 coupon won’t even bring in AM radio let alone any local channels.

My vacation in Los Vegas was pretty stinky but, the one night I spent in Arizona was much more harrying. It seems that I almost got deported to parts unknown because of their new racial profiling law. I guess it is because I’m from up north that I never even think about my racial background. Especially since, I‘m white and everyone always tells me that I’m looking awfully pasty and I need to get some sun before someone tries to burry me.

Anyway, on my way to Los Vegas I had to stop off and visit my Aunt Winnie down in Arizona. I stopped off at the old peoples home but, Aunt Winnie couldn’t talk too long because she had to give everyone there a bath before putting them to bed. Aunt Winnie is 77 years old and is still working to get health insurance. I had to visit her at her workplace because she lives with her boyfriend and he really does not like me. He told me once that my psychic predictions were just some sort of con game so; I put an old psychic hex on him that I said would give him gout. Sure enough he developed gout. Of course he blames me for his malady but, actually it was his heavy consumption of beer that I knew would sooner or later make his toes swell (and toe jams smell).

After I left Aunt Winnie I went back to the hotel that I was staying at while in Arizona. I was only going to stay there one night before going on to Los Vegas. I was too board to just watch TV so I decided to go down to the bar and maybe see if they had some free popcorn I could eat for my supper. I didn’t want to spend any money on food since I was saving it for drinks and to gamble with in Los Vegas. When I went to the hotel bar I bellied up to it and ordered a glass of peach brandy. Popcorn was not offered for free so, I just took a bowl of leftover popcorn off an empty table that sat behind me. I also picked up about a half dozen French fries that were lying in front of the bar seat next to me. Overall, it was a pretty good meal.

I sat at the bar for about another twenty minutes when this fellow dressed in s security uniform sat down beside of me. “Lady,” he began “I noticed you come in here and I am required by law to ask you a few questions.”

“Who are you?” I asked “and why should I answer your questions?”

“What’s your name?” he responded.

“I’m Madam Mystic Misty Merkel and again, who are?”

“I’m Mr. T. Bowels. I am the Chief Hotel Inspector and Public Bathroom Maintenance Engineer. I’ve been watching you MS Merkel and I maybe arresting you here shortly. It all depends on how honest you are with me when you answer my questions. You see, here in Arizona we have just passed a racial profiling law that allows me to interrogate and/or detain anyone at my discretion if they do not have proper papers to show me. So, I say to you, please present your papers or you will be arrested and most likely deported back to where you came from.”

I opened up my purse and got out my Michigan ID card and handed it to the crazy windbag. I’m from Michigan Mr. Bowels. You can see that on my ID card. “

Mr. Bowels looked intently at my ID card and then said,” This is just as I suspected. You are definitely a foreigner and should not be here.”

“Say What?” I shouted angrily.

“You are an undesirable,” Mr. Bowels affirmed. “It seems you’re from Michigan which is one of those liberal states up north. You’re a Yankee and in the South we don’t cotton much to you Yankees. You need to leave this town by tomorrow morning or sooner if you can. You see I know your type Misty Merkel. You come down here with your University of Michigan T-shirts on and then, you stay at one of our finer hotels and steal our towels and our complimentary toiletries. Then, you only stay here one day because you are just here to visit some obscure relative and then, you leave to go gambling in Los Vegas. I know your type and now the new law allows me to do something about you. “

Well, I decided to shut Mr. Bowels up by offering him half of my complimentary toiletries. Most of the stuff was berry flavored and I didn’t want to smell fruity anyway. I also returned the hotel towels so know I’ll have to buy mom something for Mother’s Day.