AUGUST PREDICTIONS

PREDICTIONS FOR AUGUST
By Madam Misty Merkel
Psychic

August will start out cold and get warmer. Lots of storms will scare the heck out of people but, no one should worry. In August, only a couple of people will be hit by lightning each day. If you don’t want to get hit by lightning, don’t go outside or use the copper plumbing. In fact, avoid any and all copper. If you know what’s good for you then, you will empty out those pennies out of your back pocket. If you don’t and you go outside in a lightning storm, you may learn the meaning of the term “rump roast”.

The stock market will take off and the DJIA will hit 24000 (whatever that means). I just report what the spirits tell me so enough with the questions. I really don’t know what I’m talking about when it comes to the economy. I can’t even write out a check. I use money orders. By the way, gas prices are going up along with unemployment and your rent.

The new GI JOE movie will be a big hit next month with District 9 movie also, getting the kids into the theaters. Television will stink since there will be mostly just a bunch of reruns until September. I still haven’t figured out how to set up my digital converter box to bring in a television signal. Even after wrapping my antenna with a box of aluminum foil, all I get is static. I guess I’ll just watch my Magnum PI video tapes. I like Magnum and besides, my Magnum tapes were the only ones that survived my trailer house fire.

What fire you might ask. Well, it was the fire that was started when I was conducting a séance. My dog has bladder and a large intestine control problems so, I have newspapers covering my entire floor. When my dog spooked my friend by running under her feet during the séance, my friend knocked the candles over and they rolled off the table and started the newspapers on fire. The fire roared through the trailer but luckily, it was raining outside and the leaky roof was just like having a sprinkler system inside my house.

I’m glad I did not loose my trailer. I just lost my house downtown because I was unable to pay the mortgage. The dating service I was running, like many small businesses, fell on bad economic times this year. I had several employees working for me and now they are all out on the streets. I’m just glad I have this psychic business to fall back on. I'm thinking about getting a tanning bed and maybe taking up a trade like body piercing or tattooing. My psychic business may not seem to be as legitimate as my old business but, it pays the electric bill each month. If it did not, I would not be able to watch Magnum PI on video cassette.

PSYCHIC MADAM MYSTIC MISTY MERKEL PREDICTS JULY 2012

Madam Misty Merkel
Northern Michigan is preparing for the 4th of July but I am preparing for a real revelation.  It seems that a certain person is trying to get through from the other side in order to visit me and I believe it might be Elvis.  I think he wants to go dancing with me again.  The last time he came through was when I tried to contact Michael Jackson.  Anyway, Elvis showed up at my trailer and took over the body of  this heavy set boy I know named Gerrard.   Now Gerrard is none too pleasing to look at but with Elvis’s personality it was inevitable that we would go out on a date and go dancing.

I will tell you now that dancing with the king was wonderful.  I didn’t even recognize that it was Gerrard’s body that I was dancing with because the king himself is beyond  worldly things like looks and is in fact, just a  plain  phantom of sheer glamour.

Anyway, I predict that the month of July will be a fairly nasty month in terms of weather, politics and money so, just hang tight because the king is coming back and he dresses up well in any fashion and in any times.  And,  just always remember “For my darling I love you and I always will.”

2017 PREDICTIONS AND RHUBARB PIE

Plutonian Arrives On Earth

By Psychic Mystic Misty Murky Merkel

Associate Contributor

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Well, 2017 is here and I predict it will be a year to forget for many of us.  However, 2017 will be a tale of two lifestyles.  It will be a year of great misery, cruelty and insufferable poverty.  It will be a year of great gains in wealth, income, and unimaginable fame.  Of course I'm talking about the annual rhubarb pie eating contest held on the river ice in February.  The winner of the contest gets a brand new pie pan, a roll of old copper pennies and winner also gets their picture posted on the trailer park office door.  The losers all get pushed into the river.  Of course the runner up wins the option of wearing a life jacket when they go in the drink.  Problem for the runner up is that the life jacket doesn't give you much help if you wash down the river two miles while under the ice.   

Many of you might be thinking that it might be dangerous for the loser participants in the pie eating contest and that many of those contestants might wash down river and never be found.  Of course, it is dangerous to wash down river in the winter but, every contestant has always been recovered.  The sheriff uses dogs and usually finds the contestants in the spring right after the ice melts off.  

Besides my prediction of the rhubarb pie eating contest (I also think little Joe Mutter will win again this year) the financial markets will be unimaginably volatile most of the year.  Personally, I've been hording acorns to get me through the rough times ahead.  Acorns are a great commodity to hold and trade. There is always a ready market in acorns since squirrels are usually willing to trade dried birdfeeder corn for acorns and acorns are useful for baking.  Acorns also make excellent ammo for hunting with a slingshot.  My late husband and I went bear hunting once with acorns luckily, I got away.  My late husband ended up in a pile of bear scat.  One bit of luck that came from that hunt was that I saved a ton of money on final expenses and got some really great fertilizer for around my lilac bushes.  Now, every time the lilacs bloom in the spring I remember my late husband.  Sort of romantic isn’t it. 

My last bit of information is a warning:  watch out for natives of the planet Pluto.  They want to move to earth where it’s warmer and by the end of this year they will control most governments on earth.  They will also control most candy bar vending machines. Personally, the Pluto invaders can have the governments but, they’re inviting a revolt if they raise the prices in our candy bar vending machines.  Just so the invaders from Pluto know, I have a friend on mars.