FEBRUARY PREDICTIONS

PREDICTIONS FOR AUGUST
By Madam Misty Merkel
Psychic

August will start out cold and get warmer. Lots of storms will scare the heck out of people but, no one should worry. In August, only a couple of people will be hit by lightning each day. If you don’t want to get hit by lightning, don’t go outside or use the copper plumbing. In fact, avoid any and all copper. If you know what’s good for you then, you will empty out those pennies out of your back pocket. If you don’t and you go outside in a lightning storm, you may learn the meaning of the term “rump roast”.

The stock market will take off and the DJIA will hit 10,700 (whatever that means). I just report what the spirits tell me so enough with the questions. I really don’t know what I’m talking about when it comes to the economy. I can’t even write out a check. I use money orders. By the way, gas prices are going up along with unemployment and your rent.

Television will stink since there will be mostly just a bunch of reruns until September. I still haven’t figured out how to set up my digital converter box to bring in a television signal. Even after wrapping my antenna with a box of aluminum foil, all I get is static. I guess I’ll just watch my Magnum PI video tapes. I like Magnum and besides, my Magnum tapes were the only ones that survived my trailer house fire.

What fire you might ask. Well, it was the fire that was started when I was conducting a séance. My dog has bladder and a large intestine control problems so, I have newspapers covering my entire floor. When my dog spooked my friend by running under her feet during the séance, my friend knocked the candles over and they rolled off the table and started the newspapers on fire. The fire roared through the trailer but luckily, it was raining outside and the leaky roof was just like having a sprinkler system inside my house.

I’m glad I did not loose my trailer. I just lost my house downtown because I was unable to pay the mortgage. The dating service I was running, like many small businesses, fell on bad economic times this year. I had several employees working for me and now they are all out on the streets. I’m just glad I have this psychic business to fall back on. I'm thinking about getting a tanning bed and maybe taking up a trade like body piercing or tattooing. My psychic business may not seem to be as legitimate as my old business but, it pays the electric bill each month. If it did not, I would not be able to watch Magnum PI on video cassette.

NEW STAR TREK MOVIE WILL DECLAW WOLVERRINE

I am Mike Collin, brother of the guys that run "Humor News Nuts" and they let me write for free for their publications. I'm not really too much of a physic but, I did have Attention Deficit Disorder until I quit high school. I din't quit high school because of ADD. Actually, I didn't quit at all. I was sort of made to leave after I mooned the enemy side during a homecoming football game. I thought I did the right thing but, I was told I did the wrong thing by the school board. Right and wrong? It's all according to perspective I say.

Anyway, I'm writing here because of a dream I had last night. From watching lots of movies I've learned that in fantasy/SF, dreams are more important than reality. I guess that's why people always say you should follow your dreams (unless your dream is to moon the other side during a homecoming football game). My dream was that the new Star Trek movie will kick bass (I'm allowed to say bass not the other word that rhymes with bass), when compared with the new X-Men movie. Don't get me wrong. I think Wolverine kicks nut (nut I can say. The other word that rhymes with nut I can't say according to the sensors).

I think the new Star Trek movie will kick bass and nut. I know a lot of people don't like remakes but, come one!!! But, this is going back to the original Star Trek with Captain Kirk, Spock, Bones and the rest. These were the best of times (originality and writing) and the worst of times (cartoonish special effects and really bad hair pieces). How can anything be better than the original than the original with new stuff. I will miss the Ohura fan dance. I won't give details to the the new movie away. Especially, since I haven't seen the new Star Trek movie and have no contacts in Hollywood. In short, I don't know what I'm talking about except that I love Star Trek and my dreams tell me that Star Trek will be the biggest movie of the summer season. Also, the fan dance will be sheik at all the most popular clubs. I know I'm practicing the fan dance for a summer of fun among the important people at the best clubs.