NORTHERN MICHIGAN PSYCHIC COMMENTS ON GNOMES, NUMBERS AND RABIES

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Humor New Nuts Associate Contributor

You know that I have been trying to be nice but I have a problem. 
I have a very serious problem that I wish to talk about and no, it's not my drinking. You see, as a trailer park psychic I don't make enough money to have an alcohol consumption problem. Instead, my low income status causes me to have an alcohol acquisition problem. But, "say the bee" as the French would say. No, my serious problem has to do with the numbers of gnomes that have suddenly appeared all over the neighborhood. It seems every single garden and walkway in the trailer park has several scurvy looking little gnomes lurking about. I'm frightened to go for a walk for fear one of those little boogers will try to bite me on the leg.

Of course some of you out there might be thinking that Madam Misty is a racist when it comes to creatures that aren't exactly human. Of course, to such critics I have to say that I am only predjudiced against creatures that want to bite me like werewolves, vampires and of course gnomes.

Gnomes are really bad. There are two types of gnomes or, at least there are two possible outcomes that you can suffer as a result of a gnome bite. One is that like a vampire or werewolf bite changes you into the creature that bites you, when bitten by a certain type of gnome you will then turn into a gnome. And, belive me boys and girls, being a gnome is not what you want to aspire to be. My cousin became a gnome and no one in the family every invites him to any of our get-togethers. He has been completely ostricised by everyone including his own mom and dad. He would have been ostricised by his siblings but rumor has it that he at them.

The second type of gnome is one that has a bite that will litterally give you rabbies (some say kooties). My neighbor down the street was bitten by this type of gnome in the morning and by early afternoon she was frothing at the mouth like my ex-husband Fred frothed at the mouth while standing over the all-you-can-eat bar at Denny's. I once watched a busperson use two bottles of window cleaner just to clean all of my exhusband's drool off the glass over the pasta-bar.

I guess I'm digressing a bit. Well, what I'm trying to say is watch out for gnomes. They're evil, they're ugly and they bite.

 

PSYCHIC MISTY MERKEL CELEBRATES THE NATIONAL CHERRY FESTIVAL AND THE FORTH OF JULY

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
Northern Michigan's Premiere Trailer Park Psychic

Well, another month has passed us by and now it's time for the Fourth of July. Pretty neat rhyme, right? Of course the 4th is going to be really spectacular this year. I went to the National Cherry Festival in Traverse City yesterday and sensed the presence of a lot of spirits. Most of them were hanging around the brew pubs so that's where I spent most of my day.

Getting back to my 4th of July predictions; the weather should be pretty nice. It might be a bit cloudy for the first part of the day but it should gradually clear up. At least that's what they said on the weather channel (sometimes I need a little help predicting the weather). The rest of the month should be fine. Of course I don't really care because I live in a trailer park and stay inside most of the time anyway. My neighbor has a goat and the goat keeps my lawn trimmed for free. Can't have any flowers though. I tried planting plastic whirligig yellow daisies and the goat chowed them down. Then, the goat had crude oil running out his behind for the next week. I'm not sure what happened to the metal rods that the daisies sat on. I know he ate them too.

Anyway, all this talk lately about running people down because you see them as different from yourself got me thinking. You see, for the last few months I've been saying terrible things about one group in particular and maybe well, I think I should be sorry for what I've been saying. I mean this particular group lives in my neighborhood and I see them and their children and old folks every time I look out the window. I know I should feel really bad about my descriptions of these creatures but, somehow I just can't bring myself around to feel that way. I am of course talking about gnomes, in particular garden gnomes. They're everywhere. They're all over peoples yards. Their in their gardens and I even see them in malls and stores often times sitting on the shelves just like they own the darn store. You know I think it takes a lot of guts to climb up on store shelves and harass customers as they walk by.

In general, my problem with gnomes is that they bite and, it really hurts when they bite. I know I seem prejudicial toward the little devils but, I have a hard time accepting them in my neighborhood. However, I am willing to try to change. I'm thinking about approaching the little critters this week and trying to talk to them. Maybe, direct communication is the way to get by our obvious cultural and physical differences. Of course the biting is another matter. Maybe I should try tossing some raw hamburger to them before I attempt to make friends. After all, that worked with my neighbor's dobermans. Now when they see me they wag their tails. Before that they barred their teeth. Of course I soaked the hamburger in vodka before I threw it to them. I would have soaked the hamburger in beer but I remembered my ex-husband use to get really mean whenever he drank beer so, I thought better of it.

I think I'll wear some boots because gnomes like to bite around the ankles. If they bite my boots it would be quaint, not painful. I just hope I don't get rabies if they break the skin. I had rabies back in high school when I got that hickey from my swimming coach. I didn't expect to get rabies or, the hickey for that matter. Believe me, the feelings were what you'd call unrequited. I expected a hug when I finished at that swim meet but, I dint think I'd get a bite on the neck too.  I

Anyway, wish me well with the gnomes and have a Happy Forth of July!

psychic mmmm              

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MISTY MERKEL WISHES A HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO HER DAD

FATHER'S DAY

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

I thought I'd take a moment out of my very busy schedule to wish my dad a Happy Father's Day. I realize that because Father's Day falls on Sunday this year that he won't be reading this wish until sometime Monday, when he wakes up. My dad is a bartender and tends to do a great deal of product sampling on his Saturday night shifts. My dad then spends all day and night on Sunday recovering from his product sampling.

In talking about my dad I have to say that he is a man of many surprises. Like the time that kid showed up at the front door and told my mom that he was my dad's son. That was a surprise. The other three kids that showed up over the years at the front door claiming that my dad was their dad caught my mom off guard every time. Then, mom would take me and my sisters over to grandma and grandpa's house for a vacation. It wasn't much of a vacation since grandma and grandpa just lived four doors down the block. One time we stayed there for 2 years then, mom and dad had another wedding and we all finally came home from our vacation.

Of course my dad is also a man of great generosity. My dad paid each of the mothers of the kids that showed up at the door money to pay for raising the kids. In fact, he's still paying money to the mother of the youngest kid.

I just can't say enough about my dad on Father's day but, I'm starting to tear up now so, Happy Father's Day daddy and may you get all the things you deserve.

Sincerely,

Your daughter Misty

IS THERE A SPACE MONKEY SPHINCTER CONTAGION?

PSYCHIC MADAM MYSTIC MISTY MERKEL

Space Monkeys

I hate to keep talking about space monkeys but recently a young man read a posting I made somewhere and said (in an indelicate way) that he had space monkeys flying out his behind. Of course I started an inquiry with my friends regarding space monkeys coming out of the behind area and low and behold many of them said (in a very indelicate way), that they had the same problem.

I became very concerned that maybe there was an epidemic starting so, I asked my gynaecologist if she knew anything about it. She said that she had read in a recent medical journal that space monkeys were flying out of some peoples sphincters and she was not sure if it was contagious or not. My doctor went on to say that scientists believe that the space monkey rectum disease is caused by an accumulation of dark matter and a gravity produced black hole-vortex occurring in the lower intestine. I do not know what my doctor was really saying since I did not get good enough grades to go to community college like she did. I had to go to beauty college and it took me 7 years to get my certificate (a couple of customer lawsuits kind of got me held back a few times).

Anyway, watch out for space monkeys. They evidently have mastered the mysteries of black holes and dark matter.

WHEN THINGS GOT "FUZZY"

By Psychic Madam Mistress Misty Merkel
The Northern Michigan Trailer Park Psychic

Today my good friend President Nixon stopped by the trailer to wish me a happy Memorial Day Holiday.  He said there was going to be a really big celebration on the other side and that if I happened to get killed in a car wreck or something this weekend, I would be invited.   I thanked him for the invitation but told him I had to decline on the grounds that I had other plans.    My other plans of course were related to not being killed in a "car wreck or something" this weekend.   I just hope he wasn't so offended that I never get invited to anything again.  Some spirits are like that you know, vengeful.  Ending up on some spooks enemies list is really the last thing I want to do.

 I'm still a little creeped out over the invite so I've decided not to go anywhere this weekend.    I'll just hang out here in the trailer park and watch Teddy set off some of his homemade dynamite out in the street.  Last year he set the dynamite off too close to his trailer and blew- up his back bedroom.  He lost six chickens and a pig which he kept housed in that back bedroom.  No one cared about those nasty loud chickens he had but I was kind of fond of that pig.   I did get a nice slab of back bacon that came slamming though my screen door.  I probably should have gave  the back bacon back to Teddy but, “finders keepers” as they say.     Besides, I had to replace the piece of plastic in my screen door window and it cost me a small fortune for the duct tape.  Of course, I duct-taped that piece of plastic in my screen door real good so even a cannon ball will bounce back off of it.  (Teddy fires off his cannon on the Fourth of July).

Well, as I said I'm going to stay put this weekend right here at the trailer park.  Now my prediction for next month is that an asteroid is going to hit somewhere.  My mind was a little fuzzy when I was in my last trance so it might not quite be an asteroid hitting somewhere.  It could be an asterisk being misplaced somewhere.  It could also be an aster being picked somewhere.  Like I said things have been really fuzzy around here.  It started when that trailer down the street that had all those young guys living in it, blew-up.   There was this terrible haze and an awful bathroom chemical smell.  Then, a lot of people in astronaut suits showed up and took the young guys away in a bunch of police cars.   I don't remember much after that.  That's about the time things got fuzzy.       

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL PREDICTS MAY

PSYCHIC MYSTIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL
Associate,
Humor News Nuts Publications

Well, May has begun. As far as the weather is concerned I predict that May will be the warmest month so far this year. I further predict that there will be less snow in May then there was in January. My weather predictions are said to be "uncanny" and "always right-on" so, you can take my prediction for May to the bank.

When it comes to politics, I predict that the ghost of Lincoln will be haunting the Lincoln bedroom at the White House. Specifically, he'll be lying down in his bed next to any guest who ventures to stay overnight in that room. Just be warned if you do stay in Lincoln's bed this month that ghosts have really cold feat and tend to snore often and loud . They also tend to use the bathroom a lot so they're in and out of bed all night long. Flatulence is also a problem for many old ghosts. I don't know what ghosts eat but it goes without saying that the louder the thunder the worse the odor.

For you sportsmen out there I have a really important prediction for you; there will be an incredible number of Big Foots hatching out of eggs this spring. Since Big Foots grow to full adult size in less than six weeks by next fall the numbers of Big Foots taken by hunters, I will predict right now, hit a new all time record in the State of Michigan. Personally, I don't like to eat Big Foot meat however, I do like to eat the eggs. The eggs are just Divine when scrambled in real butter and Christmas eggnog just isn't quite right without using Big Foot eggs to make it. Yum, Yum, Yum!!! So, good luck hunters and remember me if you get one that's full of eggs. Remember, Big Foot eggs are best before they are laid. The ones already laid in a nest tend to be a bit on the rubbery side.

Now, I have a very serious problem that I wish to talk about and no, it's not my drinking. You see, as a trailer park psychic I don't make enough money to have an alcohol consumption problem. Instead, my low income status causes me to have an alcohol acquisition problem.  But, "say the bee" as the French would say. No, my serious problem has to do with the numbers of gnomes that have suddenly appeared all over the neighborhood. It seems every single garden and walkway in the trailer park has several scurvy looking little gnomes lurking about. I'm frightened to go for a walk for fear one of those little boogers will try to bite me on the leg.

Of course some of you out there might be thinking that Madam Misty is a racist when it comes to creatures that aren't exactly human. Of course to such critics I have to say that I am only prejudiced against creatures that want to bite me like werewolves, vampires and of course gnomes.

Gnomes are really bad. There are two types of gnomes at least there are two possible outcomes that you can suffer as a result of a gnome bite. One is that like vampires or werewolves, when bitten by a certain type of gnome you will then turn into a gnome. And, believe me boys and girls, a gnome is not what you want to shrink down to be. My cousin became a gnome and no one in the family every invites him to any of our get-togethers. He has been completely ostracised by everyone including his own mom and dad. He would have been ostracised by his siblings but rumor has it that he at them.

The second type of gnome is one that has a bite that will literally give you rabies (some say cooties). My neighbor down the street was bitten by this type of gnome in the morning and by early afternoon she was frothing at the mouth like my ex-husband Fred frothed at the mouth at the all-you-can-eat bar at Denny's. I once watched a bus person use two bottles of window cleaner just to clean all of my ex husband's drool off the glass over the pasta-bar.

I guess I'm digressing a bit. Well, what I'm trying to say is watch out for gnomes. They're evil, they're ugly and they bite.

　

APRIL SNOW MAKES TIME GO SLOW

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Merkel

Well, we have another fun month upon us. I'm afraid it is going to be another cold one. The evil winter spirits just don't seem to want to give it up this year. The bad weather this year is like my second husband;  it just won't go away. Most of my boyfriends have been like that too, excepting of course the ones I really like. Over in England I guess they call liking someone who hates you an unrequited love. Here in Northern Michigan we call that a country- western song. Of course in some parts of Michigan they call it a polka. I don't think I really want to go there. Now down in Motown they call it rhythm and blues. Whatever it's called I've been there just about every other week since junior high.

Anyway, the weather is going to stink until about the last week of April. I do see May, June, July and August as being much warmer months than April. My accuracy in predicting the weather is really pretty good. Just wait and see.

In politics I predict that the thumb part of the state of Michigan will try to secede from the union. They will try to create a super libertarian state known as East Thumbia. There will be no taxes there and universal health care for those that can afford it. The national flag will portray a naked 400 lb man smoking a cigarette, holding a can of sugary pop in one hand and a sack of potato chips in the other. The state motto will be "Health, Who Needs It". It sounds like they're going to use my second husband as the mascot on their flag. 

It will be hoped for by the people of East Thumbia that their new nation will be able to attract tourists from all over the world. The main souvenir sold there will be a Lake Huron Salmon thermometer. Salmon in the great lakes are excellent natural thermometers due to their high mercury content.

In sports, the Detroit Tigers are going to start playing baseball while on the field. In past seasons they tried a "curling" strategy when playing offense which clearly did not work for them. The guy running the bases kept getting tripped up by the guy with the broom. Not a pretty sight in any sport.

Well, I don't have much else to say. Just be wary of those dog gone garden gnomes. They'll be popping up soon as they return from vacationing down south in Cadillac. They'll be showing off the nice tans they have while the rest of us up North have pasty white skin like we're just a bunch of winter zombies up here. 
 

MY INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT NIXON

By Madam Misty Merkel
The other day I was cleaning up my kitchen when I heard knocking at the door. I opened it and saw it was former President Richard M. Nixon. “Hello Madam Misty,” said the former president. “I was just in the area visiting one of my old Haunts when I decided to stop in and say hello.”

“Well, hello and come on in,” I said. “The place is a mess. I was just cleaning up the kitchen a little bit.”

“Don’t worry about it Madam Misty,” replied the President. “I visited Beethoven a few weeks ago and there is no worse housekeeper than a musician. All they care about is writing down notes and waving their arms around; pretending to be conducting an orchestra. Most musicians are bit nuts if you ask me.”

“Can I get you something to drink?” I asked.

“No Madam Misty you see on earth I’m just an apparition so, I can’t drink or eat anything here. But, just wait until I get back to my own dimension. The food and drinks are just great there.”

“I take it that you must have gone to heaven and not the other place,” I said.

Nixon looked down at the ground for a moment as he seemed to be searching for his next words. “You see Madam Misty,” Nixon began,” Heaven and Hell are really not what you might think. Heaven and Hell are really just concepts of how you view the world around you. You understand that after you pass over you are judged for your deeds and misdeeds in this life and are rewarded in kind. The thing is there is no absolute great place called Heaven or another terrible place called Hell. In fact, we all live in a dormitory that has seven floors. The bottom floor is where people that are not very good go and the 7th floor is what you might call heaven, hence the name “7th Heaven.”

Then I said, “I always thought the name “7th Heaven” came from a TV show. What about people that are really bad? Do they live in the same dorm?”

“Not quite,” answered Nixon. “For example, I live on the 3rd floor. It is not the top floor so I don’t have as nice view. I can watch the pretty girls sunbathe on the lawn out my window that is, if I were interested in watching pretty girls. My wife Pat would frown on my doing such a thing. No, I just take my dog Checkers for a walk everyday. But, getting back to the dorm structure you see it was designed by Chairman Mao. It seems that he did such a great job of organizing China into a world class superpower that he was given the job of designing heaven. He of course created the dormitory system with the best people living on the top floor and the very worst of society living in the basement.

I live on the 3rd floor which is not 7th Heaven however, it is not the basement. I’m hoping that my old boss and running mate President Eisenhower can use his clout to eventually move me up to the 7th floor where he is staying. I’ve heard they have a great piano bar there and Karen Carpenter performs there every day. My, she always had the voice of an angel.”

“So, what about the basement?” I asked. “What kind of people are down there?”

“Well, Madam Misty you really don’t want to go down to the basement. Unfortunately, that is where the laundry room is located. People on the top couple of floors have lots of perks like pickup laundry service. Down where I’m at you have to do your own which means every week you have to trudge down to the basement for a few hours. Last week Hitler and Mussolini grabbed my favorite boxer shorts and played “keep away” with me. They never did give them back and they were a gift from Kissinger. They were genuine silk with red, white and, blue vertical stripes on them. They had a big red heart on the backside. He got them made special just for me in Taiwan before we kicked them out of the U.N. and invited in mainland China. I tried to get my boxer shorts back by meeting with my floor’s Resident Assistant (RA) but, he said he could not really do anything about the rowdies down in the basement. I guess I’m going to have to wash my boxer shorts in my bathroom sink from now on. I’d like to get General Patton to go down and kick the behinds of Hitler and Mussolini but, General Patton is stuck in limbo on the elevator for one thousand years. I guess he slapped some angel when he first got to the dorm.”

President Nixon looked at his watch and said,” I see it’s getting late and time for me to go. Hope to see you again soon Madam Misty and, by the way, Elvis says ’Hi’.” The president got up and made his way out the door.

“Goodbye Mr. President,” I said, “and say hello to Elvis for me when you see him.”

PSYCHIC MADAM MISTY MERKEL PREDICTS 2013

"I Got Tongued By A Zombie"   
By Psychic Madam Misty Merkel

I just want to say to all of you "Happy New Year"! Of course if you drive a motorized vehicle please don't drink and drive. And, if you drive a non-motorized vehicle eat plenty of breath mints before starting for home. Last year a friend of mine got busted for swerving around too much on his skateboard as he came home from a New Year's Eve Party. This was his fourth offense so I don't think he'll ever be getting his skateboard back.

This year I decided to spend New Year's Eve at a movie theatre. It was a pretty good movie but this creepy guy who was sitting next to me turned out to be a zombie. I know he was a zombie because about halfway through the movie he stuck his tongue in my ear. I think he was trying to eat my brains. I then gave him a fist in the forehead and left the theatre. I hurried home to make sure that he did not leave any bite marks. I know that if a zombie bites you and breaks the skin then you will for sure turn into one of them. Luckily, I did not find any marks and I haven't started to change yet and it has been three hours since I got tongued.

I think that I am safe because I have never seen any movies or TV shows where people turn into zombies after being tongued in the ear. I did wash my ear out with some alcohol just to make sure that I killed off any residual zombie germs. I also had a few glasses of Mogen David just to make sure my blood stream was immunized from zombie germs. The wine also helps me get all tranced-up so I can easily make my predictions for 2013.

I'm pretty much in a trance right now so I will begin my predictions. First of all, the markets will be in turmoil all year long because of economic uncertainties in Europe and the U.S. Of course most of the economic problems will stem from an alien invasion that will happen sometime in the second fiscal quarter. I'm not really sure what a "fiscal" is but I do know what a quarter is. I just hope I have enough quarters lying around my trailer so I can go pick-up another bottle of wine tomorrow. (I need to keep my blood sanitized after being tongued in the ear by a zombie).

The biggest problem most people will have to face this year is an outbreak of mini-gargoyles in the spring. The little pests seem to hatch out every spring during the rainy season and will bite you every time you go outside. The bites are not even that bad but the terrible scratching that occurs just drives me insane.  Some people claim that the mini-gargoyles are really just mosquitoes but, my granddad told me that they were gargoyles and he was pretty wise.  He'd be alive today if he would have left that woman alone.  (Her gun dealer husband was a very jealous man.)   

The big-foot hunting season should be excellent this year. There will be a bumper crop of big-foot eggs in Michigan so there should be plenty of these hairy beasts to shoot and toss on the grill. Personally, the only good part of the big-foot to eat are the steaks. The rest of their meat is just too gamy for me. There is also so much sinew in most of the meat that you feel like you're flossing when you pull out the long strings that get stuck between your teeth.  .

Well, 2013 is going to be a heck of a year. My bottle of wine is dry and my predictions have dried up as well. Just remember to keep those zombies from sticking their tongue in your ear. I was lucky but you might just find your brains being scooped out of your skull the next time you are watching a movie at the theatre and you may not even notice it until you've gotten back home and try to remember if you put the cat out or not. Most of the time you would not even miss your brains but a few times a day something comes up that requires you to remember something like putting the cat out.  Right now I can't remember if I have a cat or a dog.  Sometimes wine makes me feel like a zombie must have eaten my brains.    

NORTHERN MICHIGAN TRAILER PARK LIVING

By Mystic Madam Misty Merkel
I predict that winter is going to last a really long time this year for people in the North while people in the South will have a wonderful time soaking up the sun.

You know the saying “The grass is always greener,” well believe me it is true.  I received a postcard from the sisters Christie and Twisty Merkel and they are down in Miami.  They said the sun is so warm and the grass is so green that a person could forget that a place like Kalamazoo Michigan even existed.   Well I just threw out that postcard and I’m going to pretend I never got it.  They are just really rubbing it in because I’m stuck in a trailer park way up in Northern Michigan this winter and I don’t have the money to even get to the balmy Michigan weather they are having down in Detroit.  I don’t think they even have a foot of snow down in Detroit and with my finances I can only dream about getting that far south.  In fact with my finances I can't even dream about turning the furnace up to 60 degrees.  I have a wood stove but it's hard to maintain much of a woodlot when you live in a trailer park.  I do raid the dumpsters sometimes in order to find some furniture to burn but the pickings for furniture are pretty slim.  I tried burning plastic bottles that I got out of the dumpster but the fumes made me see double and my head felt like it was detaching from my body.  Usually, I only have these problems on New Years Eve. Of course on New Years Day I wish my head was detached from my body that way I'd only have a headache and not the stomach and bowl problems that excess wine gives a person.  I get so gassed up I feel like had spent the night at an all you can eat taco bar.  .

Another irritating thing about the weather up here right now is that part of the roof on my trailer caved in.     It happened to be my bedroom so this morning I woke-up with wet sheets and snow in my face.  Then, when I rolled out of bed and my feet hit the floor the flow gave way under me and I ended up standing with my legs in the crawl space and the rest of me standing up in the bedroom above the floor line.  I was so disgusted that I sat down on the floor behind me only to have my behind smack down to the crawl space because the entire floor in the room was too sopped with water to support me.   Finally, I made my way to the hallway and was able to find some solid floor to climb up on.

I should not be surprised that my floor collapsed with all that water on it.  A few years ago when I was getting out of the tub the floor gave way underneath me and I am not a heavy woman.  The woman a couple of trailers down from mine was sitting on the pot once and the whole thing went right through the floor.  She was a good fifty pounds heavy than myself so I could see her floor giving way underneath her but, I never thought it would happen to me.  I guess it’s that cheap glue they use in that particle board that just does not hold up under water.  My next floor is going to be made out of something water proof because leaking roofs and pipes are what trailer living is all about;  not to mention living with the constant fear of cave-ins from both above and below.