PRIDE AND THE WEREWOLF: PART 1

 By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

The Northern Michigan Trailer Park Psychic

Associated With Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Executive Editor In Charge:  Tim Colin

It's finally June, and the bugs and squirrels are leaving my trailer to live in the outdoors.  I'm finally by myself.  I'm ready to kickback, and have a nice peaceful summer. Especially after my last adventure/escapade that happened on Friday, May 23rd.  

Now as everyone knows, each day I walk down the road from my trailer park to the gas station/liquor store for a couple bottles of wine, just to limber up my psychic powers each day.  I find a bottle of wine helps me to contact the souls of the dead.  Two bottles of wine keeps me in contact with the deceased all day long.  That of course, is good for my business, since I am a psychic.

My friend Marie is the day manager at the store, and if I do a little cleanup around the place for her, she gives me two full bottles of wine, for free. The week of Friday the 23rd, I came into the store and found Maria in the storeroom weeping, and wiping her eyes and nose on her white blouse. I asked Maria what was wrong?

Marie told me that she had just been informed by upper management, that she would have to fill in and work the overnight shift on Friday.  Marie then went on to tell me that for over a year, every clerk that worked the graveyard shift when the moon was full, was found the next day, and the next day, and the day after that.  The graveyard shift was usually worked by a college kid, but when the moon turned full, the next morning, the kid's body parts were found all over the store property.  The cops told Maria the kids were literally ripped apart.

"That's horrible," I said.  "Who would and could do such a thing? I of course, am assuming it was not from natural causes, like eating antacid tablets after drinking pop and eating pickled Red Hots.  They really bloat me up to the point I feel like I'm going to explode."

"Huh?" questioned Marie.  "The authorities said these incidents were attacks by some super strong creature.  Maybe a bear or something. What gets me is that they happen every month when the moon turns full.  What bear pays attention to astrology or astronomy to plan it's attacks, and why would a bear just tear people apart and not eat any of the meat?  Bears usually kill for food.  At least that's what I've always thought."

I said, "Well, I found an arm in the toilet last month when I was cleaning.  Didn't think much about it at the time When I walk around the trailer park, I often come across body parts, especially after a wedding, a funeral or our annual Frankenstein Event. 

Marie asked, "What's the annual Frankenstein Event? Is it a scary house with monsters in it, and kids walk through it for candy?

" Not quite," I replied.  For one thing, most of the kids in my park already live in trailers with monsters in them.  Their parent's significant other is often someone right out of a horror flick.  And candy?  Most people where I live, stay alive eating  government, handout beans, crackers and roadkill.  No, our entertainment is free, except for the electricity used to make a  corpse undead."

So, what do you people do for your event?  Nothing illegal or immoral, I hope, or maybe someone should turn your park in."

"Really", I said, " we're just having some nearly free fun that entertains kids and adults, and we all take part during the year, gathering body parts we find down by the river, and then store them in Sam's meat freezer.  On Halloween morning the body parts we have gathered, are unfrozen , and the best ones are selected to be stitched together.  Of course, sometimes we don't have all the body parts we need, in which case, we substitute. If we only have left hands to chose from, we just sew a left hand to each arm. We always make it work, somehow.   My park community is pretty smart, sometimes.  

After a full moon, it is the best time to get the freshest body parts.  No one really knows why? 

Anyway, once the corpse is stiched together, the resulting body is struck up to the electrical line, with a switch setup to charge the corpse with lots of juice.

"What happens when you throw the juice?", Maria asked.

" Well, usually the corpse bumps around a couple of times, and then starts burning.  Although one time, a lightening bolt struck the corpse at the same exact moment the creature was getting juiced, and the body stood up and danced around in a circle a couple of times before it burst into flames. That was quite a show.  Especially for the little kids.  It is primarily a family affair.

After I told her my Halloween story, Maria started to cheer up.  Yes, the bodies always end up catching on fire, but a few wealthier families who think ahead and can afford a snack for their kids, bring along some chocolate bars, marshmallows and gram crackers, so the kids can have a Smores  snack.

IF YOU WANT TO DOOMSCROOL, THIS IS THE PLACE FOR YOU

 By Psychic Madam Mystic Misty Murky Merkel

Associate Contributing Psychic News Correspondent

Humor News Nuts Online Publications 

Sorry people, but I have had a hard job posting anything anywhere.  It seems like every time I get ready to post, I get a knock at the door, and then I'm deported again.  In fact, I've been deported 16 times, so far this year; mostly to Ohio.  I was deported six times to Myrtle Beach and twice to Grand Rapids. 

 Ohio is getting really hard to escape from, because of the razor wire and machine gun nests they've put along the Ohio border with Michigan.  I always avoid all that by hiring a  Great Lakes Mariner, to sneak into Michigan, the state I love and I which I was born .

Grand Rapids is a terrible place to be reported, because so many people go into that city, and can never find a way out.  It's like you stark walking in one direction, and six days later, you realise you haven't moved at all.  I heard that one time President Gerald Ford went to Grand Rapids, and was never seen again.  Scary place, Grand Rapids.

In terms of  all the worry and turmoil going on in the world, before you dampen your socks and shoes, or soil your new white slacks, chill out a moment.  It's still 2025, and our world won't be completely destroyed until 2026.  You've still have months to hold your loved ones close, unless they smell.  Then, maybe just email them more often.  Maybe use some cute emoji to cheer them up.  Take their mind off the impending misery and doom, that everyone on this planet will experience in 2026.

My parents, myself and my two sisters, Twisty and Christy, are working on finding our way off this death, doomed rock, and back to our invisible mountain, that floats over the earth.  The mountain we call, our ancestral home.  Pretty much everyone, whose species did not originate on this planet, are putting an egg in their shoe, and their going to beat it.  No one wants to live on this planet anymore, especially if they're going to die. 

Of course, people whose ancestors are from this world, have the possibility of escaping planet Earth for Mars, but you will need to pay for the trip.  Also, don't drink the water on Mars, and if you have breathing problems, do not breath the air.  

So, the world is not as bad as you think, if you're reading this blog in 2025.  If you're reading this blog in 2026, Get Off Of Planet Earth!  Find another planet, any planet to live on.  There may still be room on spaceships headed to Mars. If you want your gene pool to keep survive, do whatever it takes to get off this doomed, little rock.  Bye, bye.

Misty💃

TOILET WINE

 By Psychic, Madam, Misty, Murky Merkel

Part-time Temporary Associate Contributor

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

As many of you know, I have certain tools I use to enhance my psychic powers, so I can more accurately explore and predict the future.  Cards, Ouija Boards and the game "Twister", are all tools in every good psychic's toolbox.  The main items that make my predictions the best in the business, are my crystal balls, my Petoskey stones, and a special wine they sell down at the gas station, called "Thunderbird". 

The stones and balls last forever, but everyday I have to go down to the gas station, combination liquor store, and pick up two bottles of wine. Wine, of course, is expensive so in order to afford my tools of the trade, I sell my services to the morning manager, Maria.  Maria is the only employee in the store each morning, and she has a lot of work to do, besides wait on customers.  

For the last couple of years, Maria has employed me to sweep and mop the floors each morning for two bottles of wine.  Well, yesterday she told me she could only give me one bottle of wine for my services, because the price of wine had doubled.  I told her I needed two bottles each day, or I'd be done giving predictions by noon.  

Maria is a good girl, and she suggested I could get an extra bottle of wine each day if I would clean the bathroom in the morning.  I agreed.  I had no choice.  So yesterday, after I swept and moped the floor, I started cleaning the bathroom.

The bathroom was a complete disaster.  There was water, turds, poop and toilet paper all over the floor, in the sink, and even up on the light fixture.  Of course the toilet was overflowing.  You would think that when someone sees an overflowing toilet, they wouldn't try flushing it when they know it's just going to run all over.  But they must have  flushed and flushed that backed-up  toilet a million times.  What a mess to clean up.

Finally, I had most of the mess cleaned up, but I had to reach down into the toilet and pull out whatever it was that had backed-up all that nastiness. I did not have any plastic gloves, so I had to use my bare hands.  I figured I could wash my hands off  later, and besides I've stuck my hands into much worse places, and all I ever got was a case of mange.  

I sort of held my breath as I stuck my hand into the toilet.  I grabbed onto something thick and long, that was stuck tight in the toilet exit hole.  I had to yank on it with both hands, and finally it came up.  It was someone's arm.  That was different, I thought.

It was almost as bad as when my ex made me a homemade burrito and I spit out a big yellow toenail from someone's big toe.  I checked.  It wasn't mine.  Then I remembered my ex was clipping his toenails earlier that day.

I wasn't sure what to do with the arm.  I could have thrown it in the trash, but I realized it was kind of an important thing to find, and that someone might be missing it.  So I washed the arm up as best that I could and dried it under the hand dryer.  I left the hand under the dryer a bit too long and it started to smell like it was cooking.  

Then I stuck the arm in the lost and found tote, located on a shelf, underneath the cash register.  The arm didn't quite fit, so I really had to shove.  I think I broke the wrist.  Anyway, the arm is there if the guy comes back for it. I figure it was a guys arm because of the big muscles and thick arm bones.

Finally, I picked up my wine and started back to my trailer.  I didn't get hardly 20 feet out the door when I heard this horrible scream from Maria. I figured she saw another rat run across the floor.  She always screams when she sees one.  I didn't bother going back because I had my wine, and I was on a mission to get home.

032424

MADAM MISTY TAKES A SPIN WITH JIMMY THIRTY-FIVE TOES

Psychic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

The Northern Michigan Trailer Park Psychic 

Part-time Associate Contributing Writer

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

 I was just sitting in my trailer during a severe winter storm, when suddenly there was a knocking on my door.  Hard to think of anyone being out in this weather, but I opened the door, and there stood Jimmy Thirty-five toes, looking up at me with forlorn big blue eyes.  He was almost crying and couldn't quite get out a word.

Jimmy Thirty-five toes is usually, cheerful with a wide smile that showed off the few teeth he still had left in his jaw bones.  Jimmy Thirty-five toes was happy and very rich.  He became rich using his celebrity of having a total of thirty-five toes.  There was an entire summer festival in Northern Michigan built around Jimmy Thirty-five toes, including a parade where Jimmy was of course, always the grand marshal and rode on the front float.  

Not only was Jimmy Thirty-five Toes rich and famous, but much of the areas economy was built upon the annual festival with carnival rides, vendors, beer tent and polka dance, all boosting the local incomes.

Anyway, Jimmy was pounding on my door at night, during the worst winter storm to hit the region in thirty-five years. "What's the problem, Jimmy?", I asked.

" It's terrible Madam Misty.  I was out cutting wood for my woodstove all day today.  I'm going to have a party tomorrow, you're invited, by the way.  As I was saying, I'm cutting wood for my party, my party celebrating my turning thirty-five, when I noticed some of my toes had gone numb. Now I'm feeling dread.  Maybe they got froze.  And, if they were froze they'll have to be cut off, then Jimmy Thirty-five toes would be no more."

"But, you would still have some toes.  Many more little bulges than the average man."

"Yeah, but no one will want to see Jimmy Twenty Seven Toes, or Jimmy nine-teen Toes.  Not after all these decades of celebrating the man with thirty-five toes. My parade will be gone.  My only source of income will be gone, and everyone around here will hate me, because their money will be gone, and they won't be able to feed their kids."

"So, what do we do?" I asked.

"I'm thinking we need to get to the emergency room pronto, so that maybe they can still save my toes", said Jimmy.

I responded, " sounds great, but I don't have a vehicle or a driver's licence."

"That's ok Madam Misty," replied Jimmy, "I don't have a licence either, but I do have a four-wheel drive pickup that should get us there, even tonight.  I just need you to ride along as my navigator, so I don't hit something, or take a wrong turn when we drive through a white-out".

" Ok, lets go," I said.

Soon we were barreling town the nearest highway, heading to Mancelona Memorial Hospital.  Their motto is "We Will Treat Your Loved Ones, And Turn Them Into Memories".  

So far, I was proud of Jimmy's driving.  He was clearly worked up over the prospect of losing some toes, but he kept his head cool, watching the icy road, and not traveling more than 35 MPH.  Finally, Jimmy whipped into the emergency entrance area of the hospital, and several.people came running out to see what was happening.  Jimmy was soon inside the hospital, and taken to an operating room, where unfortunately, they had to remove 10 of Jimmy's toes.  Luckily, they were small toes, and the hospital had some prosthetic ones lying in a drawer.  Within an hour of Jimmy losing his original toes, he had replacement toes screwed into place. 

I promised Jimmy that his replacement toes would be our secret, so that Jimmy could continue his Northern Michigan celebrity status.

As a momentum of our friendship, Jimmy had his dead toes mounted on a bracelet, and he gave that bracelet to me.  I thanked Jimmy for the wonderful gift, and promised him that I would wear his toes everywhere I go.

NORTHERN MICHIGAN'S TRAILER PARK PSYCHIC PREDICTS 2025, AND BEYOND

By Psychic Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Michigan's Backwoods Backwards Trailer Park Psychic

Part-time Associate Assistant Contributing Writer Commenter

Humor News Nuts Online Publications And Septic Tank Services

Congratulations.  If you're reading this, then you probably survived 2024.  What a year of dangers and destruction. I'm mostly referring to the trailer park down the road from mine, that got hit by that tornado.  That was just plain bad luck.  I mean, what are the odds of a tornado hitting a trailer park? That's a really nice trailer park.  The trailers still have floors in them, and the indoor plumbing, actually works.💩🙈

That trailer park is mainly for really rich people.  The lot rent is hundreds of dollars each month, whereas the lot rent in my park is only $22.00 every other week.  It's still a lot of money.  Especially, if you're dependent on selling your psychic abilities to the public.  Believe it or not, sometimes I go for several weeks without making any money at all.🙎♥

I've been trying to branch out to doing piercings and tattoos, but I have to wait for the lawsuits to be settled first, before I can continue that business.  There's also the matter of waiting to hear from the county prosecutors office.  I feel good about that one.  It's been at least a week, since the Sheriff's office has had a deputy parked in front of my trailer. I know from experience, that's usually a good sign.🚔

Anyway, the trailer park down the road was almost completely destroyed by the tornado.  FEMA even showed up with disaster relief, but they all pulled into my trailer park.  It was nice for a while, before they found out they were at the wrong place. The free boxes of food and toilet paper will come in handy.  Some residents have been here so long, they've forgotten what toilet paper is used for.  They thought it was a form of soft shell tacos that are sold on a roll. 🌮 Oh, boy.🤦

So much for 2024.  🎉🎉🎉

I have good news and bad news for 2025 and beyond. The good news is that all of you reading this article right now, will probably be here one year from now.  The bad news is that none of you, reading this article right now, should make severe sacrifices in 2025, to save money for a nice vacation in 2026.🙀  I'm going to be living in the present.🙈🙉🙊  Maybe you should too.👩

HAPPY NEW YEAR'S EVE EVERYBODY🙋

2025: INFLATION, WAR AND PEACE, WHILE I HUNT DOWN MY MAN

 Psychic Madam Misty Murky Merkel 

Associate Contributing Part-time Author, And Resident Psychic

Humor News Nuts Worldwide Online Publications

It's time again for my predictions of events that will take place in and around, 2025.

I'm doing my predictions a bit earlier this year, because I am going to be traveling in space and time hunting down the owner of this publication.  Why am I hunting for this person?  Well, according  to two sources from the other side (Richard Nixon and Henry KissingeneedThe owner of HNNWOP, is going to do something years in the past and/or future, that will bring about the end of the world. I've enlisted an alien rat who, sometimes contributes anonymously, articles to HNNWOP. The rat is really smart, and he has a time machine, so no fears for the future folks.  We will save the world, eventually, maybe? 

In addition to the possible end of all things, I have two more predictions that will no doubt, affect almost everyone.  The first one is that inflation will hit the world hard next hear so make sure you stock up on items you need.  I see in particular, the hoarding of toilet paper and canned peas going on, which will drive up the price of those two necessary products.  For some strange reason,  two-ply tp will be especially overrun by price spikes.  Of course, the price of pea going up.is just a given.  Peas are the most popular of the canned vegetables.  Peas taste a whole lot better than green beans, and corn, well, as most people know, you never really absorb any nutrition from a corn kernel, because you really just borrow it to.make your tummy feel full for a few hours.

One future event you won't hear from anyone else, is that the U.S. will finally get around to invading Canada.  All those natural resources lying within the Canadian borders, have been lusted after by Americans for many years.  We Americans admire persons, and aspire to be a people who grab things.  Things that are clearly not ours, we just grab. Those resources are ours for the grabbing. It will be a peaceful takeover, except instead of using  weapons to drive back U.S. forces, Canadians will all dust off their secretly hidden bagpipes, and will wail out "Unchanged Melody" across the cities, mountains, fields, forests and fisheries of Canada.  The yanks will be overwhelmed by the onslaught of the Canadian wind bags, and run back across the border, forgetting about all the natural resources hidden beneath the pristine beauty.

Well, those are my major predictions for 2025.  I'm doing them early, because I may not be around much.  No, I'm not going back to jail, again.  There are a couple of old arrests warrants out there, but I gave the sheriff the slip the last two times they came calling.  Last time, they did have their guns drawn, but I think they saw an unfriendly creature, like a rabid squirrel, lurking about in the shadows, and it was after dark. Could have been Peeping Paul, our area window peepster. He's real creepy, and lives alone with his python snake. He would be a complete social outcast, but he makes the most delicious stuffed peppers, so he gets invited to all the local potlucks.  Everyone wants to know what the secret sauce is, that uniquely flavors his yummy peppers.

So, Happy 2025

Misty Merkel

 Well, the American election is over, and as I predicted months ago, Donald Trump won the Presidency.  Some of you are happy.  Some of you are unhappy.  I will remind you that I'm not a Trump fan, and I'm not an oscillating fan.  My parents fell to earth from a floating mountain, so we might get deported back. That might be a good thing, since more important than who the U.S. President is, is the coming destruction of planet earth by foreseen, sinister forces.  

Of course, I'm referring to those forces unexplained to me, by former President Nixon and his sidekick, Henry Kissinger.  Except  for the accent, those two spirits are quite a bit alike.  They do have different accents. They're like brothers from a different mother. Nixon sounds normal, but Kissinger sounds like he's Belgium or something. Maybe it's a Mesopotamian accent.  They both sound  a lot  alike.  I know because,  I have spirit clients from both those countries.

Psychic Mystic Madam Misty Murky Merkel, And The World Ends

 COMING SOON

MY PARENTS TOLD ME MY FAMILY STORY

 By Mystic, Psychic, Madam Misty Murky Merkel

Temporary Part-Time Associate Guest Contributing Writer 

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

Today, I was going to go into detail about how the world ends, but I decided to tell you the story handed to me by my parents, about how my family came to America.

My parents told me that they came to planet earth, by jumping off an invisible mountain that floats over the planet.  They said they landed on a 747 and hung on tight, until the airplane landed in Cleveland.  Ma was pregnant with my two sisters and myself.  That means she had a baby in all three of her wombs.  With such a harrowing experience, you'd think dad would have carried at least one of the babies in one of his wombs, but he didn't.  Typical man. They're all the same, no matter what their species.

My parents ordeal was not quite over.  They had to find a way into Michigan, so their kids could be Michiganders.  My parents figured that the parents of children born in Michigan would be allowed to stay with their kids, and not be deported back to Ohio.  

My parents got into Michigan by stealing a few ears of field corn from a nearby field, and bribing the border guards on the Ohio side to let my parents leave.  It worked.  I and my sisters were born in Michigan. Because we were anchor babies, my parents got to stay with us in Michigan.  Yeah!

Soon three little girls came out of ma's wombs.  Christie was the first born, then myself, Misty, then my sister Twisty was born.  Twisty got her name because she came out all twisted up.  Her arms were where her legs should be, her head was stuffed up somewhere.  She was just a mess until a nurse stepped up and volunteered to fix my little sister.  The nurse said he was a Rubik's Cube champion and within minutes, Twisty was all fixed and was a perfect little space alien girl. So said my dad.  

Well, now that the world is going to end, my parents are trying to find a way back to their flying invisible, untraceable, undetectable mountain.  First they have to locate the mountain.  Next they have to find a way for our whole family to get back there.  The mountain floats all over, so it could be anywhere.  

I'm not sure if just being on the mountain offers any protection from the coming destruction of earth.  The mountain floats only a few miles off the ground and my people live on the outside of the mountain.  Inside might be much safer, but that may be occupied by super smart beings, unrelated to my surface people.  In fact, the government people who came to see me after I did a DNA blood test, told me that my species were more likely just parasites living for free off the brains, and hard work of superior beings living inside the mountain.

To that I say, it is better to live as a parasite on a floating mountain, than end up like earth people will, in the near future. 

So much for my family history.  Now, I've got to find some clients with money.  I need to buy a new toilet and a floor to put under it.  It will be at least a $600 project. That's going to take a lot of talking to peoples deceased pets and relatives.

THE WINNER OF THE 2024 ELECTION IS ?

Madam Psychic Mystic Merkel

Associate Contributor,

Humor News Nuts Online Publications

People keep bothering me about "when is the world going to end?", and " who will will the 2024 presidential election in the America.  Well, I still have contrasting results for the end of the world question.  My 2 Petoskey stones say one thing, but my 2 crystal balls say something else. One of my balls is cracked, so that might be the problem. It's hard to get a steady stream and function with a cracked ball.

With regard to who will be sitting as President of the USA a year from now, I have literally received an answer from beyond the grave. 

In 2016, I predicted that Trump would be President, but only after I died, was reincarnated as an amoeba, had dog pee on me, and was resurrected by a rodent.

This year I did not feel like going through any of that.  Luckily I won't have to.

Last evening, I received a knock on my door.  I answered it and found a disturbing looking man, I would describe as right out of the grave and one of the walking dead. 

He smelled like he had not changed his underpants in the last 30 days, which was not unusual for people living in my trailer park, however he did have an eyeball that kept falling out, and he had to keep stuffing it into place. 

"Are you Madam Merkel?" the old sod asked.

"That would be me", I said.

" I have a message from beyond the grave regarding the US. presidential election", said the smelly dude.  "Trump will assume to be president by this time next year."

"So,that's that," I said to smelly guy.  I was not going to invite him into my trailer because he smelled, Was dressed in decaying clothes, and reminded me too much of my 4th husband.  So, I gave him a piece of cheese and sent him on his way.  I guess the next presidency is settled, unless that guy was just one of those hobos who live homeless down by the river, eating garbage flowing past.

At least now I can put political stuff behind me, and can concentrate on if the world is going to end soon. A trip to the gas station for some wine, may answer that question.